“Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love” (Leo Buscaglia).
I first encountered Ms. Folasayo Dele-Ogunrinde on the Internet seven months ago when a friend brought her to my attention. In the months since, I have wondered why she seems to be angry at men. All her treatises seem to center on or around men: how men cheated on her, how they abused her, how they attempted to domesticate her against her will, how ungrateful and duplicitous men are, and how lazy and dense they are. She doesn’t tire of telling us men are hooligans; cowards who were unable to fend off the invasion, enslavement and colonization of the continent. African men, she posits, are responsible for virtually all the ills that hails the continent. To crown her mountain of accusations, she visits the sins of the fathers on the sons. How unfortunate!
Simply put, Folasayo doesn’t think much of men. Left to her whim and imagination, at least 90% of men would be thrown off the cliff. Or decapitated. Or have their nuts cracked open and fed to the dogs. My goodness, how did she get to this point? What influenced her thinking and attitude? Who were the boys and men who eroded her earlier regard for men? What is it about men that makes her want to puke and take cover?Whatever her answers and thinking are, she sends sweat droplets down my spine. How, in the name of humanity could anyone, man or woman, be this angry?
Whatever her line of advocacy — single parenthood, spinsterhood, celibacy, misandry or whatever — I am certain she can live a fruitful life without resorting to anger. My chief concern lay in the fact that some young minds seem to be taking her words and actions for the gospel truth. In other words, I worry about the young and impressionable minds who gulp down her every word.
The rules and regulations governing African Marriages and or romantic relationships seem to pain Ms. Ogunrinde the most. She fails to realize that marriage is like a partnership, but not the 50:50 kind of partnership she envisions.In some aspect the men do more, and in other aspects, the women do more. In the end though, there is and can only be one captain, no co-captainship. Now, if you and your partner decide to make it 50:50 or 70:30 or whatever, well, that’s between you and your husband or lover. Some men won’t care if your husband is a ladies’ man, a woman-wrapper, or an assistant wife — that’s his taste.
Marry the type of man or woman that suits you. Common sense dictates you don’t tango with any man or woman who expects you to do things you otherwise would not do. That is to say marry your kind. If you are the type of woman who likes to takes order from men or who likes to cook and clean and provide sex on demand, well, please stick with such a man. Do not listen to all the foolish talks about rights and choice and preference and all such craps and colossal nonsense.
How many White couples do you suppose are constantly in and out of marriage therapy? America, we all know or should know, is full of all kinds of people who are “single and seeking” and who gallivant from one dating site to another and from one bar to another hoping to grab the man. Now, who does not know that “African wives” find partners quicker and easier and have long, happy and prosperous marriages when compared to the “modernists” who are merely mimicking what they perceive to be western.
From Italy to New Zealand, from the UK to the United States, traditional marriages abound. Why do you think husbands and wives who “know their place” within the union tend to stay married longer? And why do you suppose all the major religions of the world are very particular about the role and place of men and women within a marriage? Ask your Chinese, Brazilian, Korean, Mexican, Japanese, Malaysian, Indian, Pakistani, Argentine, or Chilean friends. Go ahead; ask them! They will tell you that their marital system is not much different from the African marital system. On the average, it is not different. And whatever difference there is, is minuscule. So, what’s all these shakara, all these huffing and puffing and talks about the suffering and subservient role women in Africa have?
Choose your wife or your husband wisely. Do not fall prey to some alien concepts. The Chinese would live 10, 15 or more years in Nigeria with his family and still remain Chinese. Same for the Germans and the Irish and others; they don’t repudiate their way of life in favor of the “African way.” It is only Africans, who after 30 days in a foreign land would disavow their Africanness and opt for a strange life. Tell me — more so in the marriage and family system — what does the Whites have to offer Africans?
Our culture may need tinkering here and there, and yes, we may not have high science and technology and may indeed not have all the good-good things that make the West attractive and prosperous; but when it comes to happiness and keeping the family whole, sane and secure, we Africans have the upper hand. How much do you suppose family and marriage therapists charge per hour in this country? Think!
Whatever it is about men that pains Ms. Ogunrinde, it is time to let the anger and the pain dissipate. “Holding on to anger,” Buddha counsels, “is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” All our love and respect…
7 comments
There are only two types of people on the earth – good and bad people regardless of gender, creed and race. Allowing your experiences with bad people to color your views of EVERYONE will only serve to give one a reputation which is also jaded. We can’t control life’s experiences but we can choose how we respond to it! Unfortunately, the human mind automatically focuses on what is wrong, bad, unacceptable and evil because that is the psychological make up of the Human Being.
Excellent article. Ms Folasayo does indeed have alot of anger towards men. Instead of focusing on the strengthening of the african family she focus on the inter-independence and selfish pursuit for women, that will only hurt them in the long run as marriage will ever last with such attitude. Every institutions needs strucuture, even Oprah know that. Why does Oprah have one president at Harpos studio and not two. The US has one president and not two, family is also an institution and thus needs structure. Look at societies such as the US (in particular black america)that have attempted to build families without structure, they have the highest divorce rates and suicide rates. Yet in Italy, greece, asia, and africa, where structure exists, hold the lowest divorce rates.
I personally do not perceive Ms. lady as being angry with men. What I do perceive is her distaste at men, in general, their attitude towards treating woman as less than, servitude, as second class citizen. If both people work and pay the bills, why shouldn't both be willing to serve the other? Isn't marriage give and take.
In America women have not been allowed to vote for that many years. Most women who are murdered are murdered by not a stranger, but their own husband. Women are disgarded when they age, for women old as their own daughters.
I personally think we, as women are just human. If she was too tired to cook for the man, why wasn't he willing to cook for her. He says he likes her, well does he or doesn't he care about her. How is that going to make him less the man? Does it make her less the woman, beautiful women that she is, because she worked and bought the food for him, something that is traditionally a mans role in America and probably every other country in the world?
As far as impressing on young people's minds these ideas, good! It is a changing world as it should be. People in general need, want more rights, why shouldn't women. Do you really want a world where anyone is used only for what they will "DO" for another person. If so, we could go back to slavery days, of course not being American you can't remember that time. Do not all persons, colors, creeds, sexes, ages want our rights, and to be recognized for our total worth as people. Think Nelson Mandela. Now why should women want to be treated as second class citizens by the very men who are their lovers, husbands. Do you want your mother, sister, daughter, niece, aunt to be treated with the utmost dignity or as someone to have their congo shined. Are you not indignent as men when someone treats you as less than what you are and what you are capable of being? Do you, as men want a women to look to you for only how much money you can supply her with? Or what you can buy her? Do you want to be loved for yourself or for what you can do for her? How about having a wife who says if you can't bring home a paycheck she will leave you? Think if you can't be off work in time to cook dinner then forget it all. Or you are a spinster now, not attractive. Let me get a second wife, younger maybe. These things degrade us all, men and women.
A japanese general after the second world war was reported to have said something to this effect and I will paraphrase. "The problems that people have caused me is nothing compared to the problems I have created for myself". The Ogunrides of this world need to think hard on this before trying to specify a mathematical formula for a social relationship and in the process misleading the impressionable minds. There are no perfect relationships. When we reduce human relationships particularly marriage to fictional mathematical models then we court trouble. Marriage is not a democracy neither is it a dictatorship but rather it is the coming together of complements or similars (not equals and no gender is superior) who can learn to leave with their differences and dispositions and who are willing to give up many things for the sake of the other. If you are in a relationship in which you are being oppressed (in whatever form) by the other then you are mismatched and it does not matter whether you are caucasian, african or whatever. And if you persist in entering such mismatched relationship time after time then you need to question your own judgment. In that wise I do not doubt the reality of ms. Ogunrindes experience but I do question her judgment(think of the japanese general). Her anger must have derived from many relationships and going by Ms Ogunride reported outspokenness, I do not beleive she was forced into any of her relationship. Why then must the rest of the gender bear the cross and label for her faulty judgements. We need to be fighting for those who are forced into mismatched relationship rather than waste our time on later day feminist flag bearer who see nothing right in the opposite gender. Do not kid yourself, the world will not be a better place without men neither will it be a better place without women. We all contribute our gender strength and weakness to this wonderful world. Let us stop the gender bashing.
Hello Rosie,
The fact is that there is nothing about my essay that paints Ms. Ogunrinde in unsavory light; and at no time did I attempt to trivialize her life experiences. If the Ogunrindes of this world keep badmouthing men, and men also keep badmouthing women, when will it end? When will the accusations and counter-accusations stop?
We dont want a situation where all women does is to low blow men and men doing the same thing to women. We must see beyond all that and move on and have meaningful and fruitful relationships.
Men can count 100 infractions committed by women just as women can count 100 infractions committed by men. But at the end of the day, we have to find a way to co-exist, love one another, engage in relationships, and live life to the fullest. Whats all these weekly and monthly cries about men did me wrong?
And so, it is these gross generalizations and periodic cries and accusations that I am railing against. When it is all said and done, relationship is an individual thing. And what adult hasnt suffered pain and loss and broken heart?
If you are totally disappointed in this write-up of mine, well, thats ok. You have in the past commended me. I am grateful for that. Thanks, my sister. By the way: do not crack any nut. At least not mine! I need them for shining congos.
Greetings and have a great week!
Sabella
I don't think she hates men, she only voices many frustrations most women have but don't really share. I agree with many of her essays… face it, many are true. Women who "know their place" will not really say anything but suffer in silence. I wish there were more outspoken women like Folasaya and your attempt to paint her in a negative light is totally irresponsible and a validates the point she is trying to make – many African men are afraid of women who tell it like it is. Don't try to tivialize her life experiences and make her out to be "a woman scorned." She has a voice and a right to use it. I am totally disappointed in write-up.
And yes…some men do need to have their nuts cracked open…LOL
I agree with everything you say jare!!! These people don't know anything about having a successful and happy family life. Our model isn't perfect but we are truly there for our spouses ,children and families. That's the great support system that we have. That's why their suicide rate is so high