Within the last eighteen months I have attended nine welcoming parties. These are parties by friends and acquaintances who went to Africa, marry and successfully petitioned for their wives to come to the United States. These types of parties, whether big or small, are taking place all over the US. The immigration process can be lengthy and frustrating — depending on the petitioner’s immigration status. In the US at least, one could petition for his future wife by way of the Fiancé Visa provision or through outright marriage which could take upward of twenty months. And lots of money, ingenuity and perseverance!
But why do African men go though this tortuous and circuitous immigration process? Why do African men go home to marry instead of marrying the women they’ve wined and dined and romanced right here in the US. Most of these women are well-educated, well-read and well-traveled; they are well mannered and have proven their reliability. They have demonstrated their abilities and capabilities in all matters marital. They are women of two worlds: they know Africa and also understand the West.
Why do African men go home to marry the “unknowns” instead of marrying the proven and the reliable here in the US? Well, it is because (1) they can; (2) most men are under the illusion that the women they knew back home are innocent, un-spoilt and virginal; (3) it is an ego boosting exercise in that it allows them to demonstrate to their people back in Africa that they too can bring one of their own to the US; (4) it allows some men to mask their “failures and shortcomings” since the women who are already in the US can tell where they are on the social and economic ladder. Additionally, some men want their women to look up to them since it makes them appear more than what and who they really are (at least in the initial stages).
And then there those who will tell you African girls in the US have all “gone bad…rotten…too exposed…too independent.” Ha, whatever that means!
The African male is perplexing. He can be enigmatic. He can be everything and sometimes, nothing. He can be sweet and loving and caring and benevolent and at the same time oppressive. His life is full of contradictions. In so many ways, he is a wounded animal as a result of his historical past. Once, he was the primary breadwinner. Once, he was the head of the household. Once, he was the man who moved mountains and parted the heavens so it rained. That was a time long gone. The modern times have not been exactly good to him because of the multiplying effects of globalization and modernity.
Even though the outside world is depriving him of his manhood, he has found a way to make part of his world his playground. His home has become his playground. And in this playground, he is the captain. He is the sole captain. No co-captains. His words and wishes are the law. Globalization and modernity may be creeping in on and chipping away at his manhood, he has found a way to protect his playground. Or so he thought! To make his thoughts a reality, he marries a greenhorn.
But you see life has a way of getting back at us. Sooner or later, Karma will come to play.
Life is dynamic. Ever changing. Never static. Therefore, yesterday’s greenhorns will become the “ever-present and ever-knowing” of tomorrow. The innocents will lose the mist in their eyes and become like all the women that came before them. Though the preceding assertion is not empirically grounded, one can not but notice that “greenhorn marriages” dissolve quicker — mostly within five years with or without offspring.
More often than not most of these marriages are not based on love or affection. Most are not even like the marriages of yester-years: a contract and a union between two families. On the part of the greenhorns, it is mostly about the need to escape the prevailing abject poverty and hopelessness that has engulfed most African countries. Most of these women wanted a way out of the sorrow and the lack of opportunities in Kenya, Guinea, Botswana, Liberia, and Eritrea and elsewhere. In Nigeria, Cameroon, Mali, Madagascar and Mauritania, it is about running away from the fetid and stifling conditions that stunts dreams and kill optimism. For most women, that is. Therefore, when presented with the opportunity to hop, they pack and run!
As for the men who go in search of these women, well, their mindset has been discussed. What needs to be added is the fact that most are never happy because they got what they never bargained for: stunned, disappointed and underachieving wives who never knew about 40-60-hour work week; women who never knew there are no dollar minting factories down the street, that America is not what they saw in the movies and magazines, that America is not a world of instant riches and glamour. You toil and toil and toil!
The unfamiliar can be mind-sapping, you know. These women see ghosts and dream of “bad-bad-bad-things.” Depression and identity crisis then sets in. Those who can’t cope then leave their husbands and marriage and try to go it alone believing their lots would be better without the “extra baggage.” Big mistake, for most!
As for the men, well, some will plead with, cajole or trick their wives into going into the nursing or CNA profession assuming the women were not already one back home. The nursing profession, they believe, is a sure avenue for making money and living the good life. Be it in Houston, Seattle, Dallas, Miami, New York and everywhere in between, African nurses abound. They are everywhere working mostly the night and graveyard shifts, toiling day and night and away from their husbands and children just to make ends meet. With no time to smell the roses or to wonder at the beauties that surround them, they become strangers in the world they live in.
Why do we wine and dine and romance our women if we have no intention of marrying them? Why do we whine and complain when we see them lay their eggs in the nest of other races? Why do we sneer at them when they turn the “ideal age for marriage” and are unmarried? And why do we slap the culture book at them when they have children out of wedlock? It is a shame the way some African men in this country have treated and continues to treat some of our women. It is truly a shame!
217 comments
You can definitely tell that a woman scorned has written this article! Some of the arguments are true but alot of others are misconception. The author of this article is an african woman who obviously lives in the US. In oreder to fully understand why African men choose to go home to get a bride, you have to ask alot of different African men from different backgrounds and different African countries! Their are alot of different types of African men. Do not make assumptions and give out opinions, and declare them to be undenieable truths. African men are not the only ones going back to their respective countries to get a bride!!! Italian men do it, Mexican men, Jamaican men, Indian men, Asian men… Do not make it as if we are the only one who practice this.
I am an African man. I have never had a problem getting an women from any country. I am an athlete, I'm in shape, I have a mastered degree, I am an intellectual, I am financially secured(I dont have to worry about money). The reason I want to marry someone from my native country is not because I need an ego boost! It's not because I need someone to be submissive. And by the way African women are not submissive I believe them to be way stronger than American women!
This is true reason why foreign men like to marry someone from their back home: it's because you can relate to a woman from your country better. You have the same beliefs, values and expectations. Alot of foreign women who come to the usa easily adopt the american way of life; i dont wanna speak english in my household, i wanna speak my native tongue, i want my children to speak it as well. A foreign man wants his kids to grow up in the same culture he did. And i can assure that one of the main reason foreign men want a wife from back home is because they dont intend on staying in the usa all their lives. They will sooner or later go back home. Now tell me which american woman wants to go back to africa??!!
and we know alot of our african sisters here sleep left and right with all types of american men, they get punished left and right in this land and then they expect us african men to work for their love and put a ring on their finger!?
At least when you get a girl from back home you can know approximately her history but over her you never know what y'all are doing. If you are honest with yourself you know thats true. And no African man with all their pride wants a girl who has been around the block as a house wife (No disrespect inttended).
We are not dumb we know that women in African are not virgins but the good thing about is that in that community we have an idea of what type of woman she is. But here you can be the neighborhood "Doornob" and we wouldnt even know it.
Hey lets be for real, I been to college; now we all know what happens in colleges! I dont want to say who I am but I am a professional athlete; and in my profession i see alot of women throwing themselves at men. And I know how my American brothers run through African girls. I'm not trying to be mean or insult anyone just saying what I see.
Thats the truth! I'm African! I want an African chic, not an Americanized one who dropped the culture I grew up in to adopt a foreign one. I want a strong African woman who will fight, stick around when times get tough, who will be true and who will be able to talk to my mother and my family (who by the way do not speak english).
I love my African women. I take my women like my coffee: "BLACK AND FROM THE MOTHER LAND!!!"
men, you need to style up a little bit. I remember my parents at rural Africa in Kenya telling me I should not go to live in urban center because it spoils good people. When I defied their ugly views they started telling me I should not marry a town lady because she is a harlot (meaning all the millions of ladies in towns are prostitutes!!)where I am living. Now they tell us that we should not marry from some of those sweet, wonderful African American women overseas. No one goes to America for fun, all black people from Africa go to USA and Europe for opportunities in Education, business and work all geared up for making money. If sisters are thought to be spoiled because they are “moving” to make money too, then all men who move are spoiled. a spoiled woman with spoiled man match a lot more. So who is hurting who in the whole scenario? men who go to African village to marry ‘unspoiled’ girls so they can spoil them once they bring them to USA. After they are done they begin to blame the lady they solely participated in spoiling.Let me hear what you think: maiviny@yahoo.com Love you men
Wow,wonderful words there!
Beautiful. Great. African man and African American woman can match so well. African sisters are running away from their brothers into the hands of white men who only use them for flesh gratification because of money-hungry-madness in them African women, where as African Men are searching for strong Africa American kind of woman but they do not know where they find them…well, they are found on North American soil. I am African man and I am aware of our brothers who are scared of the Challenged woman who has child/children from another man. SHE MIGHT GO BACK to the weakling in future because of misery of first love and first man who made you mother for first time. Where are the strong African American Women? WE, SURELY, WILL GRAB THEM IN LEAPS AND POUNDS!!! I am dying for one fine black African American Woman where a you? I humbly request the moderator to allow my email to be in public Email me maiviny(at)yahoo(dot)com I will respond to all.
Dionne;
Girl I feel your pain for real. I think that if you look over the course of your relationship, you will find mistakes that you made as a woman. Naturally, we want to help people not just men. It’s our nature to nuture. But you can agree that this can be a weakness for us. We could narrow it down to being African men that do this but what about MEN period. I know two Christian African men that are hard working and can pray you from the dead. I know African American men that can pray, but have the wondering eye while they pray.
I told my friend that before we walk down the aile if it gets to that. I will be traveling to Africa to the court house to see what is what. That is what Kimora did. Reports say it is because she was technically still married here. But trust me SHE KNEW WHAT IS UP!!! And on top of that why not Hawaii or something like that. My step mom who is African and my spiritual mom who is African said the samething to go there before you DO ANYTHING CRUCIAL.
My friend said the same thing. Lets move in together. I told him no for what? I dont know you like that. Besides Shackin leads to destruction. I tell him no SEX either. He still be coming. He mention marriage, but he knows that will be a minute too.
The best thing you can do is to BELIEVE GOD for restoration. I will be praying for you. My pastor said today that you are to count every loss AS GAIN if you are in Christ Jesus.
I would say that you are to gain. He will come back. He will get tired of her poor mouthing him. He will be typical, but stand firm. Close your legs! And dont cry to much longer. God has a plan for you!!! Trust and believe! Find you a church home and get grounded in God…Keep me abreast on your progress.
Lastly, dont be bitter towards African men. A women that has a husband that is down-low dont give up on African American men. Its tight but right. My homegirl husband has several kids and is an ex-con for manslaughter. But if she refused him because of his past, she would have never gotten a great husband and father.
Love conquers all!!
I looked all over the internet for just this kind of article and I am so glad someone gave me solace in knowing that I am not the only one that has succumbed to the African man’s wining and dining trickery just for him to bring his wife here and dump me like yesterday’s trash.
I was with a Nigerian(Yoruba) man for 8 years(since I was 21 years old-I’m 29 now), had his baby and was really vying for him to marry me. We lived together, paid bills together, had all our finances together, and I tried so hard to be the rock for this man to lean on when he was missing his 2 children back in Africa and for any other ills that came before him. I convinced him to move from NY to Atlanta so he could get his citizenship faster and get greater use out of his HVAC certification-with much protest, he finally agreed. He got his citizenship in less than a year after we got here and I did ALL of the work to get him clients for the HVAC business I helped him start. Last year alone he brought in about $52,000 in the business, and he was only doing it part-time. And to think, he was only a cab driver back in NYC. You know when I found out he was married? March 1st, 2009. You know when his wife and 2 children got here? March 30th, 2009. I was well aware of the possiblity of him bringing his “baby mother” here and that we, as a family, would help her get on her feet. I had NO IDEA that he was married to her and planned to leave me for her. He got an apartment on the other side of town with her and has temporary custody of our daughter. Do you know how difficult it was to tell my 6 year old “Sorry baby, Daddy is married”? I am in so much pain right now! And of course, in typical African man fashion, he still says he loves me and wants me, and I was stupid enough to let him visit me on several occasions and sex me since this has all happened-and I may be pregnant. I don’t know how to move on. I cry every day. I look out the window and expect him to come home any moment to tell me he made a big mistake and he’s coming back home. I am so lonely. And to add insult to injury-we recently got back our tax refund from last year. The IRS audited us, so we only got the 1st half of the money on time. The 1st check was over $2000-he used that to pay for their plane tickets. The 2nd half of the money came 2 weeks ago. He had promised me $1000-after all, he wouldn’t have made that money if not for me. When it got here he told me $1000 is too much and he has bills to pay and get the kids clothes, etc. He paid about $200 worth of bills he left behind, gave me $45 to do some maintenance on my car and $20 for the week-and not a dime more. Just the other day I saw his wife wearing brand-new, expensive, brand-name clothing. I asked him if he really spent my money on her-and all he could say was sorry and promise to pay me back. Here I am with a new job, won’t get paid for 2 weeks, need gas money to get to and fro work, and $20. I pray everyday, but I just ask yall-total strangers to pray for me too. Ask God to give me the stregnth to make it through this without going mad and killing him! I know God doesn’t like ugly and karma comes back to you hard-but I am not dealing with my emotions in this very well. He left me-a well-educated woman who did everything he ever desired plus made him money-for a woman who doesn’t speak, read, or write English and can’t even get a job in this country? Out of the kindness of my heart, I signed her up for a ESOL Literacy program so she can at least get the skills she needs to get employment-and do you know she refused? This is who he left me for? Help me God…
I been reading these responses and am feeling happy and sad at the sametime. I am glad this article and website is available. I met my African love the day after my birthday. I will admit it I feel in love with the idea of love. I normally preach to my friends about foreigners. My stepmom is African and I have a lot of African friends. Newayz to make a long story short. He was so nice in the beginning. He is from Togo. Most people have good thoughts towards people of that country. Neway I went to visit him (we live in different states). The day I came back home he started TRIPPING. Like he told me he found another girl…but he wanted to still be with me. He also said he was moving to Italy to be with the lady. I cried and cried with him on the phone. He didnt say anything, but you will find someone else. To cut it short we reconciled after that episode he told me that he just did it to test me. I believed him LOL. He does have some papers that state he can stay in this country has a visitor! I was even trying to help him get in a university so that it can bid him sometime in America. After that I had a wall up. I just wanted to introduce him to Christ and help him live a better life. Well last week he kept mentioning a IPHONE. He wanted it so bad. So he was like will you buy it for me. I will pay you back. I was like NO. He was like than I dont want to be with you. I was like you are ridiculous and he hung-up in my face!!!I mean come on!! He must have thought I was a even bigger idiot because I bought him a cheap camera for his birthday. Neway I wanted to be friends with him since his last bipolar episode, but he didnt want it. So I’m like whatever. Thank-you everyone for your comments. I am so done with this dude. Like I taught him when he complained about his commission job. God will supply.
I’m an Asian muslim who has dated a Kenyan men who is 10 years older.I am 19 and he is 29.Initially,i was really racist,because i’ve never seen an african before in my life till i started uni which is last year.In fact,I was always told by family and friends thay most of them are crooks but then i had mixed with african anyways,n found out they’re definitely NOT crooks.
I must say,i fell in love with him really quick.He knew it was hard for me because people would always give us weird stares when we’re out in public,interracial marriage is normal in my country between chinese,malays and indians but not with africans.We dated secretly for about two months and he even tried to have sex with me just after a week of dating,i told him i was not ready and he understood.I am a virgin but he doenst know that i am.Anyways,when I was finally ready to be open about our relationship to friends and everyone else,he was happy.But after about 2 weeks,he just dissapeared!!!
God knows when he dissapeared to,we studied at the same college and stayed nearby each other but he was just missing.I was heartbroken,when i finally decided to give my heart to him,be open bout our relationship eventhough it was really hard especially to go through insults by racist people around us.Then,I found out from FACEBOOK that he already had a gf back home!!Mind you,he knew i would out from there,he didnt even bother to explain or even say anything.
Finally,after2 months,he texted me saying sorry he’s been really lately.and ask me how i am.he never really explained and i didnt want to ask.i said to myself he could just dissapear on me,y should i care bout him.he acted like nothing happen,he talked to me as if we were only friends all along.
we do still see each other 2/3 times a week,just saying hi and bye.and sometimes he still texts me to ask how im doing.we never really had an actualy conversation after he dissapeared on me.deep inside i still care bout him and i have a feeling that he still cares too,cos he still texts me to ask how am i doing every1/2 weeks but he just wont communicate with me,u know to talk bout things.i still do miss him.
my friends did mention of possibility that he is to marry that gal from back home,thats y he juts dissapeared on me cos he doesnt want to hurt me and he doesnt know how to tell me.but if african takes prides sooo much on being a real MAN,y cant he just come clean to me about things.
Am a nigerian leaving in nigeria and happily married to nigerian queen. I schooled in england many years ago, During my time in england I made a decision to date because of citizenship. I believe if your destroy a person’s life with lies yours eventually shall fall like a pack of cards. Whether nigerian, black, white or green a deceit in relationship is cruel. By the way I think all black women were beautiful by the Lord. Oh all humans included.
Amen Symone! Stay strong and don’t ever again try 2 contact him. You don’t know how lucky you are now that he is gone. Unfortunatelly for me my child’s Senegalese father is “around” tormenting me. I wish so badly I had did what my heart told me and that’s 2 leave him alone before baby was born. I didn’t though. I wanted 2 be that good, nice girl who didn’t want 2 keep child from father. Now I live in fear that what if he tries 2 take my child and worse leave the country!? He wanted me 2 abort. Made me feel not good enough. I can’t wait 4 him 2 leave this country because I don’t believe he will be allowed back. Yay!
This arthur with all that he is saying about african culture and preserving it is probably married to a WHITE WOMAN!!!! Not that theirs anything wrong with that it’s just usually people who have strong views about other cultures and how people live love it are intriqued by it. So I believe he’s probably slepted with all kinds of women but for most african men they feel safe and more like a man with they’re own woman. African women (some) will look pass all they’re husbands dirt and settle for the fact that he provides and he comes back home. I’ve been to alot of african parties where the women talk amongst themselves in the kitchen making pounded yam and stew while the men drown themselves in Guiness,heineken and other heavy liquor speaking on politics and nigerian news watching a african movie or CNN!!! The men look unhappy and never seem to smile and the wives look the same. Really it doesn’t matter who your married to nigerian amerian it requries work on both to make it work.
I want to start by saying that some of the comments left were really hitting home with my situation both good and bad. My name lets say is sassy and i live hayward ca My man lets say his name is Dexter he’s 26 years old and from Ghana I myself am a American girl..thank you.. Anyways I met “dexter” about a year ago i presume outside of a popular club and when I asked him for his number he gave it to me which I was shocked that I even had the nerve to do it, that’s what drinking can do for ya LOL. So I text him that night and he texted me back and it was cool but I honestly wasn’t trying to get involved with him.. Ok months pass I won’t give him the time of day and then about two months ago I let him enter into my life and I can be honest I fell in love quick. HE would come to my house before and after work and sit and talk with me and some time went by and we got a little closer then friends if you know what i mean and It was worth it. At times I would notice his phone recieving multiple messages back to back and he had a picture of this skank on his screen saver and it threw me off he eventually took the picture off and replaced it with mines but there was always something mysterious about him. For instance when he leaves my house there was either little or no contact until the next day when he was in his car and on his way to come see me. Ok we planned a trip to las vegas and stayed for a week every where we went people were stopping us telling us what a gorgeous couple we were even woman would walk up to us and tell him she is so pretty you better take care of her and he would hold my hand a little tighter which made us both feel good. After being in vegas having the time of our lives we came back home to some bull to where my child support check that is used for rent wasn’t in my account and I asked him for about 3 hundred dollars and he gave it to me with no problem but then later on told me that i was unappreciative and that he didn’t think that he could ever satisfy me and that i was too pushy he left yesterday and haven’t called which is so unlike him…oh yeah I forgot to mention I’m about a month pregnant and he didn’t even show up to take me to my first prenatal appointment when he has been so excited since we heard the news.. I guess i’m telling you all this story is because I found a man from Ghana that treated me like a Queen I’m American and at this point I don’t know if it’s over but If it is it’s all my fault I met a man that I could live with forever although he had his secrets what man don’t I think my spoiled american ways overcame my beauty and my booty lol and I really hope that he comes back. But if not I’ll know better next time and about the baby I’m due in November with or without him.
I dated this African guy for about 6 mnths, after the break-up the chemistry between us shortly after that still existed. Up to this day we still are intimate but, it does not have a label like I want it to have: ex boy/girl friend. I told him repeatedly how I reall y feel about him however, he just says I don’t mean it. We broke up because he stated that I was not very nice to hiom and, that I was mean. I mean maybe I said things at the moment but, who doesn’t when they are mad. He says that I am mean, tough, crazy which is an exaggeration because if I was all these things then why even still deal w/ me on any type of level in that matter. I am a vey nice, sweet, sensitive, caring person but, I just don’t like when people try to have their cake and, eat it to. My point is, is that If men are going to go back home or play mind games w/ you like I am being played with; at least give that person a chance to know what you are doing or what you are about and, let them make that decision. That is one thing I can respect about Jamacian guys they tell u right off the back what they want, and the ball is in ur court; to me that is fair. I like if I ask hime a question something simple he will say something like ” I don’t feel like to answer those questions right now”. I am just looking for an honest answer and giving him the oppportunity to be real w/ me and tell me what he want maybe I want the same or if u want diferent let me know that to so i can stop trying to make this realationship work when u have no intentions other than sex with me. Therefore, I can really get serious with a guy that I meet and, not have that in the back of my mind, like could this have worked. I reall y think he has this belief w/ him that if he goes to church w/ his family every Sunday morning and, ask for forgiveness that he will not have to pay for what he is doing to me but, I let him know all the time u are going to pay for what u are doing to me because you know what you are doing. I mentioned that maybe it could be ur wife who knows but, u are reall y going to have the hearts for them and, she is going to do u dirty. The difference between me and, him is that what I do that is considered mean is not intentional that is my way but, I don’t mean to hurt anybody but, him on the other hand u know when u are playing with someone’s emotions. Also, I mention would u like if someone did that tou any of ur sisters and, sometimes he gets a little frustrated at this somment but, come on what make me different from them I am a women, fragile (heart), I am someone’s sister too. I just overall agree with some of the comments like: Their kids have to manifest in this world and, you treat other human beings w/ no respect; and just the fact that Black people need to wake up in general and, stop being divide and, having some much hatred towards each other for no reason. This hatred u know took place back during the slave trade and everyhing where the whites would try to any means necessary to promote black on black ex: light skinned vs. dark skinned, house n####r vs. field. Now after all these years same stuff still continues. Some of you people are soooo stupid did it not occur to u that some of you could be related way down the line and, share the ancestors. Why you think God stated that in his eyes we are all brother and sisters because he our creator knew this will happen, even some of us here in America are related to white folks due to slavery.
I am an African American woman who just left my African man of 2 yrs. The whole relationship was based on lies. I do not know if it is a cultural thing or not, but i just caught him in lie after lie. When i would try to leave him in the beginning he would become desperate and profess how much he loves me and buy me gifts and make all these promises. HE would call my friends and family begging them to talk to me and he would even have his sisters call me. Then i would let him back in and i would catch him in more lies. I have really had a bad experience with African men i will not say that all are like this but i would love to understand why it is so hard for my man from Uganda to tell the truth? He even lies to people right in front of me telling them i am his wife and we will be getting married next week? I would explain to him that i just want honesty from him and he would NEVER admit to his lie even when i caught him red handed? i cooked for him, cleaned, and was very nurturing to him. But i had to leave because of the lies and it makes me very sad because he was such a sweet, caring, loving man, but he had another side to him. Can someone please help me understand the lies??
I had a question and a comment. I moved from a small town in Oregon to the city of Portland and found that Men from Africa asked me out a lot. I had several boyfriends from Africa (never more than one at a time) when I first moved here and I found the cultural difference really hard. It felt like I did not understand dating in the way the men from Africa wanted to date. I dated men from: Liberia, Nigeria, Ghana and Kenya. I know that each person is different and that the cultural aspect of a person is just part of them. I really wanted to understand the cultural differences and it felt like the more I tried to understand and give room for these differences the more I become a doormat and the more I felt disrespected.
Maybe I’m naive here, but the concept of a one on one committed relationship seemed really out there with these men. Many of them had had more then one wife in Africa. I felt that they wanted me to commit to them; however, knowing what any of these men was doing was just out of the question. These men felt that their time was their own and I was not to ask questions. The thing that seemed to be the same was the feeling that there was this disconnect as soon as they were out the door. We were together only as long as we were together in that moment.
I felt that with each of the African men I was dating wanted me to be exclusive with them. In return they would share little about what, where, who etc they spent their time with. So my question is, is this common? Is it just that I was being a doormat? I really felt like I was just trying to be understanding and wanting to learn about the cultural differences? I really never had this experience except for when I dated me from Africa. I guess that when I compare it to dating American men I really did not feel I was treated with respect by the African men I dated. I understand that I’m the only one that can set that boundary for myself. I never dated more then one person at a time. If I should meet a nice man from Africa again I feel I might have a reservation about it. I don’t want to feel like this. So is this common or was it just my experience. Any insight into this would be helpful. If I’m really out of line here I want to know that also.
i am so appalled by this comment, your husband was wrong to stereotype African women because i am from Zambia in Africa and we are not loud or money hungry, we are actually very humble and accepting people who have had our own woes with white people so don’t say we don’t have experience with them, you obviously didn’t learn about African history and colonization. As an educated, independent African woman (born and raised) who is dating a Nigerian guy all i have to say is don’t base your judgments on hearsay.
As an african women living in the uk i recently rediscovered african men. I have dated european men, in the past because i never saw any african guys who were single who were worth dating. One time i met i guy i found attractive and my aunts house, but when she noticed us talking she said to me he is no good because he recently dumped a pregnant woman. So I took her advice. I empathise with american women who meet african men because i think most of you will not know what has hit you. African men can sweet talk, they can persuade you it is them who bends all the bananas in the shops and they are actually straight when they come from the tree. African women know how to deal with african men. And if you think women from africa are just submissive innocent girls, this is not true. Most african women will not accept a mans proposal to date the first time. They want him to prove he is really interested in her and not anything else. Where as western women will say yes, and at times even chat the men up. As well the cultural differances are not to be taken lightly. It is not that it cannot be done but someones culture is going to give. At the same time when you date someone of a similar culture to yours they know what is expected of them and so do you.
What do you do when a ‘nigerian american’ lady insists that you open car doors for her. That that is one thing that makes her happy. Another was outraged that I went to Dollar Store to buy stuff! What do you do under the circumstance?
you know what my sister i wanted to say this for the longest time but i know it is not true in al cases, but i feel an african man and american woman together have the ability to strengthen our nation as a people and reconcile our race, that may be a bit much but, i believe the scripture when it says that we are to be reconciled to God and man it says it this way because God first because as a people we turned from him and worshiped idol Gods and he inturned p;leaded for us to return i am speaking of the story in ezekiel and i believe ithere is some of it also found in isiah and because we were stiffnecked he pronounced over us that ships would come for us and take us away with yolks of iround our necks and that he would take us from our palaces and place us in the bushlands and we would wake with the dew on our backs and ythat we would become brutish like, but he went on to say that there would be a blessing in the curse that we would return to him he devided us and seperated us if you notice the three tools God uses most to cause man to reconcile himself in the scripture is hard slavery, a deaf ear, and division and most of the time that by a great carrying away or the changing of tongues and now when i see on tv the crusades in africa and hiati, jamaica and every nation where our people have been scatered i see the twin sisters etheopia and egypt being reconciled to God and now that we are reconciled to God it is time to be reconciled as a people (reconciled to man) now we must realize that the seed here in america has been tainted with the blood of other nations so how do we strengthen the nation ? by introducing pure seed to the woman of our nation here and abroad think about it the jews would take woman from other cultures and mate and marry them but they would not allow a man to take of thier woman for the child would be a seed of that race. now i am not saying lets forget about the A w and the AA MAN for we have a lot to be proud of in our african brothers right here amongst us. let me say the AAwoman is independant and will love simply from her heart without need she will be a helpmeet, she is bussiness savy shoot I say for the most part proverbs 31 is talking about us and the African man aha my sisters isnt that what we have been fighting to save for all these years oh if they could become unified all that he has become in america and all that he is as africa has raised him to be just a thought although we continue to seperate ourselves by claiming the lands which we have been carried away into when God looks down he sees a remnant and we are the remnant which has survived and is walking in the bleesing brought about by the curse of seperation and slaverywe are the twin sisters etheopia and egypt we are in Gods eyes the nation of africa
What can i say, somehow i agree and disagree with this article. i am a Nigerian born female who has been here 11yrs now. i had to go through a couple of situations to understand men in general. i have met so many of these Nigerian men in their 40s looking for a young, supple and Naive 20something to date on the side when they have american wives who already dealt with their behinds, now they are separated and never divorced. I am currently dealing with one such over 40guy who is separated and has a child from a Nigerian woman who actually brought him here. He keeps asking me if i have feelings for him. I tell him look, i don't give my emotions to men. i know you are still legally married and have a child with another woman. How stupid will i be to fall in love with you and then you will still tell me you can't have a relationship with me. i said i am smarter than that. To top it off, this one is broke too. I wonder what they were thinking when they married the American girl and then they are now 45 and it's not working out and they start looking for the younger girl who is dumb as hell to marry. However, the african girl gets flack from her parents when she even considers a man of a different race or an american man period. i know all the games men play. There is nothing they will not say or do to get that… i play the same back. I work 2 jobs, getting a masters degree and yet i have time to talk to 6 boyfriends. They all want that naive young girl to tell their sob stories to. I use them for their money and tell them they will be getting no sex. if they touch me, i know the law here protects the woman and i use it to my advantage. I always had that fantasy of marrying a Nigerian (Igbo) man but the more i think about it, the man that was meant for me is not Nigerian. He is from the continent but from another country. Now all the Nigerians can hate all they want. They did not make me who i am today, America has. My guy has been there for me the whole time but with the stupid Nigerian mentality i did not notice him. African women please liberate yourself. Be wise, do not settle for some man who just wants to use you. And if he is more than 10yrs older than you, make sure he spends money on you and do not even marry him. That's just my 2cents.
this is not a perfect world bro and your education means nothing regarding this issue. WE have a lot of educated opps i mean miseducated fools running around here professing to be this or that. Ask you women they say something else. Independence gets a bad rep. It isnt american culture to dis her man, it is a white socialist ploy to divide and destroy the family unit where ever you live. People come to Amerika for a better life for your families, this i am sure of. Women didnt make men feel less than what he is, this white global dominance did it. We talk about stop blaming the white man for our problems, but why are you blaming the women who is tired of being treated badly. In the U.S. you cant have roles unless you rich, otherwise survival dictates the roles. It cost some much to live here bro. I know women that will marry a garage collector if he know how to treat her. It work both ways. African women are getting wise, but perhaps some are sneaky and greedy but it didnt happen here it has to have already been there in her mind. Dont hate the player hate the game.
You know unknown, you made a good point, men place play a lot and when women do it it is a disgrace. If those men have such high moral standards they would take care of all thier children if you play you must pay. why should the children suffer, they are apart of you too. What, you dont want you african gurl to know your behind the door dealings. You have fun she cant have fun? Why, because you want know you the baby dad is. Do you know now? Now you know corruption is a part of life for some. Women respect men as long as they respect women. Some women are tired of being lied to and played with like a toy. Karma is a brother f*&#er. The devil made you do it the witch women. BS
most times in so many ways our kids are smarter than we are. We speak words of wisdom and some times fail as parents because our children see our hyprocrisy, we just dont
I dated a West African male and he talked about men who married African women at home. I think most men fundamentally feel entitled to the “cream of the crop” female whether at home or abroad. So are uneducated but works hard, but their mentalities are all screwed up. His upbringing and attitude about women in general is so obsolete and backwards to say the less and was more than I could bare. The writer is correct because this man talks about his native women being sneaky but he too is sneaky and I was sneaky trying to find out what the hell he was doing. He had sexual relations with a sneaky female who is married to his friend. He says he is regretfully but still keeps in touch (emergency butty call) I assume. He so much likes to degrade and talk bad about women but he himself is far from being about the right thing. He was also busted for soliciting a prostitute and was furious when I told him I knew about it. Ladies just be mindful that these males want what they are not themselves. He to behaviors western when I is convenient but when interacting with his fellow male and female native’s talks and walks African. Lets not talk about his Christian contradictions Whew found out that there are so many versions of Christianity, the gospel according to Antwi (not his real name) but you get the point. He didn’t take me around his sisters or nephew but did take me around his friends and the one son that he has. He doesn’t know what he wants and is confused like most people here and abroad. Know this reader; the elite don’t give a dang about any of you. They have made so many moves to keep and put others in slave status. Hold on, those of you who cant get here in the amerikas, may not want to before it is all said and done. I think “black people everywhere are all ignorant if they don’t see that inspite of our so called cultual difference, if we do not unite umoja now! We are all destine to die. Look at the problem in Zimbabwe where the inhabitants are killing neighboring Africans because they are taking their jobs. How genocidial is that, tell me. Get out of the box people and see beyond the puh puh, be you black or African, we are strategically being killed off but blackness is a state of mind ‘cause some of our own people are pawns for the elite and enjoy what they get for helping to keep you in bondage. Endure you must or be crushed. Look at Congo, Sudan, dufur, Senegal, Americas, genocide, homicide, “suicide, although assisted, but real. Open up your heads and look listening and learn that we adhere to old out dated traditions and ignorance that prevents our progress and keeps us divided stagnated and yes poor. She, Africa is paying for a debt she do not owe, the colonist continue to molest and be little her. This juvenile notion that some are better lovers or better cooks, please. Before it is all said and done, food will be scarce, and some people do not have food. As for the better love making mess, if they dismantle those baby making parts and forge out your reproductions baby carry parts, it will not even make a bit of difference, look it up it has happened y’all. It is very true, many African males do not show emotions, just like some AA males. But some women are the same way. Try to seek out those you are compatible with and when you see in the beginning things aren’t going well, please bail out and run fast as hell ‘cause life is too short. AA women are romatic, A women are like A men un emotional. Best Regards to the writer for starting this dialogue much peace and success.
their not wasting it – their using it – wake up
I totally understand where you are coming from. I recently dated an African man from Nigerian by the way of Ghana. We dated for about two years and all throughout the relationship I sinced he was holding back. He was uneasy with public and private effection (unless we were doing it). I just couldn’t understand it because at the begining of our relationship it was great the effection was there and everyting, being an African American women I am used to a man showing and telling me how they feel wheather it be public or not. We were together for 2 years but he could never tell me he loved me it was always “well don’t I show you how I feel” We recently split up he decided he wanted to go back home which was okay and I understood why but we decided we would try to make it work until he was able to come back, all of a sudden he stopped calling and not even communicating with me. So, being the women that I am I just let it go. But, what is up with that?? All I know is a man is a man no mater what origin he comes from.
This comment was very uninformed and bias, you are obviously african. Many african-american men do work hard and do achieve positions of influence in the U.S. However, it is not mentioned oftened. Also I have never heard an african american even mention that africans are coming to the U.S. and taking there jobs. You obviously haven’t spoken to many african americans. It is rediculous to make assumptions on things or people that you have no knowledge of. Finally the white man’s oppression is a factor and it would be ignorant to ignore that. Africans come to the U.S. and try to turn the other cheek, but they don’t realize that the problems that blacks encounter because of whites (in some cases) have to be addressed (even by africans). Confronting inequalities is paramount to africans success, in the U.S. Don’ t forget if african americans didn’t stand of for their rights africans would not be able, or even want to come here and work.
PS. Not every african who comes to the U.S. is successful. I know a bunch of underachievers from nigerians to eritreans. However I refuse to make absolute stereotypes about anyone, these are my opinions from my experiences as african american man who lives in rogers park chicago one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the country.
happy people. u know sometimes I am sorry that I am not black. My husband is Nigerian, older than me. I am from Poland. I thot we can understand, the culture differeces wont be so big (he lives here in Poland for 20 years,study here). I was wrong… I never thought I said something like this, but I think relations (marraige) between white and black is not possible… echhhhh I am sorry. Best regards to all happy people
I answered a previous comment no too long ago and i must have over looked yours but when i read it i felt for you. I know exactly what you mean it seems like the shock has yet to leave me too. I sometimes think of what I could have done in my situation but the truth is like you say “you cant make him stay” I speak for myself when I say I am not okay with people allowing you to fall in love with them and then knowing all along that they would never be more than a mean while presence. My nigerian man knew exactly that he would not be with me forever but never told me. I have yet to understand why people who love each other cant have the support of those who love them (their family) it really blows my mind. I too studied in tx and well I just want you to know that i understand you and that i hope that both you and I will find our piece of mind and remember not to let your good heart be wasted on the past.
I am so sorry to hear that you were treated so unfairly Symone, the truth is i understand your pain. although my situation does not include a baby I too fell in love with a nigerian man (yoruba) and continue to love him dispite being left with no consideration because of my race. I am not nigerian nor african american for that matter (i am mexican american) and that was my biggest flaw. I did not expect that some one who was so willing to date me could turn and treat me like I never mattered simply because we fell in love. I understand that traditions or cultural preservation is important to nigerians but like the writer of this article says why wine and dine if you have no intentions past that. I will not say that I will never date a nigerian man or any african man again because you should never say never but if it happens again I will be more aware of the signs I missed in my previous relationship. As for you Symone best wishes to you and your baby you. I am sure you will be much more than enough as mother.
Hello,
I am interested in an Igbo man. He has never been married born here and everthing. I have a youn daughter though and I am divorced. My previous husband mistreated me and my daughter. I am well educated a sucessful entrepreneur and come from a good family. I really like him. How do they treat divorced women and those with children. What are my prospects a this point?
Ice, you need to be submissive if you want to come out your lonely life!
Afam, you’re a very nice lady. If all African American women can be this cool-headed and humble it’ll be better for them. May the spirit of Oduduwa (founder of Yorubaland) let you meet an equally nice African man; preferably, a Nigerian Yoruba. (Amin)
Gbosa! Thank you, my brother! The so-called “strong,” “independent,” Black sisters “enjoy the rest of your lonely life”!
Chidi, you’re rude and loud-mouthed! Oh, Lord! No man will want to marry you with such a dirty mouth. Arrrgh!
Godfrey, you’re a woman wrapper. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Most nigerian men are confused about an ideal that is not realistic. It is so funny that one will throw the good things of Live that God has made available to chase shadow.God call woman Good things without colour added or culture but some crasy folk will throw away that which holy for a poison sacred apple from their village in africa.I married my wife even through the internet and we are living together.She is an american am from Nigeria.I am trying to learn and she spent 8 months also with me in Nigeria before I could come here,she is learning to understand the difference so do I.Love is good with a woman that God has given and should not be divorced on the ground of culture.Some africans are racist sorry to say this.
Hello, I am a 27 year old African American women who is appauled at the comment a unknown user made about AA women in general. I have you know that I have been married to Ghanian for 5 years now. He is good to me and loves me. He treats me like a queen…you know why because I am not money hungry, I respect my strong, sexy, educated black man. I cook, clean, respect, work, am a 4 yr. graduate and don’t have a loud/big mouth like some African women. My husband always talk about how African women are. They are sneaky in the mind, money hungry and sell out when given the opportunity. They are very materialistic & deep down in side, they are envious! When I met my husband, neither one of us had anything. We struggled together, and everything I have, we have and bought together. I took my first trip to Ghana and have assimilated my ways towards his …vise versa… I respect him, cook his favirote african dishes, “fu-fu lt. soup, gari, banku, spinach stew,and much more. He as well cook my southern foods; collard greens, yam, cornbread, mac n’cheese, sweet potato pie and more. (For my African American sisters out there, please try an African man. I think they are actually better than African American men. We actually make great couples…it is the sterotype that has kept us apart. Leave the African women with the white men! They are so ignorant! They don’t know much about their own ancestors and how they were treated. They go and sleep w/ & marry these white prejudice men. The white men also marry them because they are not educated about the racism in this country…to them black women are beautiful & all they know is f***ing some black beauty & bragging about it. We African American women know them already & they know us as well so, they don’t waste their time missing around w/ us. we know what time it is and so do they. African women in this country are still new to this game in America. So, please have mercy on them
How dare you write such an ignorant response to a well-thought out write up? I’m African and found GREAT offense to your comment. No, African women are not better cooks—I know because I am African…..you become a good cook by being trained or by experience….
REGARDLESS of your nationality or race. Yes, I cook very good but so do my American counterparts who can throw-down on the foods they grew up with….how about I take you in the kitchen and have you make a pan of lasagna and a pot of Egusi or Peanut—I bet you can’t! NOW hush up!! Better lovers….PLEASE!!! I have to force my husband to hug and kiss( this is not part of the way of life in Africa—to be openly romantic) but American will show you how they feel both private and public. Well behaved(Seriously)…..PLEASE, GIRL!!! I have 3 African friends who are currently cheating on their husbands with either his best friend or someone he knows………I have not stepped outside of my marriage ——–I am African(BORN there and all) and my point is YOU can not judge PEOPLE based on what one person did or did not do. I can educate you for FREE!!!!!!!!!!
Greetings to all- I would like to take the time to thank you for opening the lines of communication. I a blk American woman who found this article to be very profound and informative. Please excuse my intrusive behavior as I accidently stumbled upon this page.
I have one question that has been preplexing me for some time now, maybe someone can assist. I am dating a African man who is very proud of me and always brings me to his African community parties ex: naming ceremonies, independence parties, weddings etc. and I experience so much negative behavior from the African women of his community. They try very hard to make me jealous and to disrespect our relationship. He has never dated anyone from his community and he has made it very clear that he prefers fair skinned American/Island born blk women. So if he was dating me it would be another woman very similiar-My question is why are these women so hateful? I am a sister however born to another country—please e-mail insight to exoticmodel000@yahoo.com
I believe what you say to be true much western women are very naive to the games African men play that is why they are so easy duped and ultimately end up heart broken when they have been a good woman to a man and helped him acquire his citizenship, only to be used and abused. What I would suggest is to proceed with an immense amonut of caution. Because our cultures are very differnt, most western women are not used to dealing with men who are so skillful in the art of manupilating woman for their purposes, and if a western man attempts to do the same, we can easily spot it and we don’t fall into his trap. A African woman knows the games that their men play so they rarely fall into their traps, it is the unexpecting western woman white or black we are taken advantage of alike.
I was dating a Nigerian man from my church he meet my family, we were very close, and we spoke of marriage. I am a woman of virtue I was very physical although he di pressure me, but that is not how you acquire a husband. Nonetheless, we were dating and suddenly out no where he sent a message to my cell phone stating HE WAS MARRIED, AND IF I COULD HELP HIS NEW WIFE BECOME A NURSE LIKE ME.
I was very upset to say the least but it was a lesson learned. I recently saw the same Nigerian man at the mall while shopping and he was so happy to see me telling me how beautiful I look. Yet when I asked him of his wife he said it did not work out…..I showed him the lovely engaged ring on my finger and walked away.
I am an African American woman who is dating a West African man. He is an intelligent man, a good provider, and a very hard worker, however, he is the head of the household and I appreciate him for such. I have learned to treat him with “respect” and honor him as a man. I believe that many African/ Afro American woman who are well educated have difficulties playing a submissive role to their husbands. The woman will look at herself as an equal to a man if not higher. Especially, if the woman earns exceedingly more money than the man.
I believe that the African man would prefer to bring someone from their homeland who naive (green), who will not challenge him. I also believe it is the same for black American men, that is why they date outside of their race because they can date and marry a white girl and still remain unemployed and she will never make him feel inferior because he does not provide, which is a pitty.
Sister, this article wasn’t particularly about African American women, but about African men who prefer to go back to Nigeria, Kenya, Ghana, Cameroon, Uganda and more to marry their wives. It is interesting to watch “Blacks in America” currently running on CNN. The African American women have been left to toil and be the breadwinners in the families. It is a culture that did not begin today, but that has been long part of the African American communities. There have been so much talk about the inadequacies of the men in the African American communities, but talk alone is not enough. The African American communities should be up and doing. The men should stop blaming the “white man” for their woes and face reality. If black men from Africa can come to America and rise to positions of influence and make wealth, why can’t the native African American men do better? There will always be a great divide between the Black Americans and Africans as long as the Black Americans see the Africans as having come here to take their jobs. No one gets a better job by just having a GED. Top paying jobs require education and as long as the Black American men drop out of schools, those jobs will continue to elude them. And that explains why the Black American women do better than the men.
On the original issue, the reasons some African men prefer to go back home to marry is no longer tenable: most of them regret it and eventually falls back to marry women they have wined and dined with in America.
Im Afriacn and cannot deny what i see fellow Africans do,But as you rightly said not all African men are like this.White men also cheat,so do ,europens,mexicans etc.I know several marriges between African men and North American women (black and white ) that have lasted.Both here in North America and Africa.It is onesided to single out African men!
Well said people men who leave the US and go home to marry people they barely know have possible ego problems.
But wake up Black America (when i say black america i am speaking of every person of african descent)There are hard working independent and professional women in Africa.It is absolutely ignorant to have a steryotypical picture of african women as the slave wife who goes to the farm and says yes to everything.Perhaps those who would rather go home to spouse shop are obviously out of touch because the mates they bring over here are not as naive as they think.
I am a Nigerian and in Nigeria today bread winning is shared and so are domestic chores,besides i see some charactersistics with the African American man and the African man.The former would rather have three babymommas because the thought of settling down intimidates him and the latter would rather date below his class to “protect his masculinity” may be its just a black man thing or male ego thing.
Wipe your tears Khadijah marriage in Africa is deep,look at the bright side.If he had married you without his parents approval,you would have entered matrimonal lonliness……..move on the beautiful ones are not yet born.Im an African man.
Lisa, very well said, as someone who originally came from African, I know the worth of the African American woman. They are zillion miles ahead of the so called African woman. Is it education, social interaction, activism, you name it. My sister Lisa, there is no comparing. Case closed.
Thank you for your insight.
i definitely agree with the above comment being a Nigerian girl. i have never dated a Nigerian girl seriously. i don’t know if i will marry one at my age. i always have that need to make my mother happy as in Marry a igbo guy but that is just a dream because i know it will not happen. i find myself suitable with Americans and currently i am with someone of a different race. as much as there will be troubles with this, i find that he treats me like a partner and not a child like most Nigerian men i have encoutered.
This past weekend I met a beautiful (inside her heart , too) single, divorced African American Mother. She so impressed me. She was married for 15 yrs. to a military man- now she works on the USAF Base in our city. Sounded like she had a very high job . She has a 10th grader and a small son, grade school age , in which both children were 4.0 students. Honor roll every year! She was an example for ALL WOMEN, not just African-American. I know countless African-Am. women here in my town , who are wonderful people.
i feel 4 u khadijah,honestly i do,am a Nigerian n i know how painful it is but in Africa,the powers that the external families has is something else.look at it these way,if he had gone ahead 2 marry u & his family did not approve of the union,its goin to too bad 4 both of you especially you,the products of the union[children]may be his comin to where u guys met was sponsored by the girls parents[u never can tell]All things works together 4 good,see it as the only way that your own man will come to you[true love]i know it hurt but u av to forgive him&yourself n prepare ur heart 4 a God sent.
It was an African American woman, Rosa Parks that decided not to sit in the back of the bus, thus spearheading the civil righst movement. What happened to the men, scared or what ? – well let historybe the judge.
In my opinion, many African women are quite prude. The men like that cos they see it as – no trouble. Well if you ask me, I like a woman who is on par with me, academically, finacially, sexually and any category you can find. No one needs a child for a partner, but a companion.
Being a Nigerian Man myself, I have never dated an Nigerian girl. They always seem to give of the same boring,prude and show-off vibe.
I am yet to come across one that I really like ( options still open).
I have dated women from Sierra-leone, Cameroon, South Africa and Tunisa. But Nigerian Women speak too much english (if you know what I mean)
However, I stick with my American Sisters here cos they seem to have a better sense of self and are relatively more real. I am open on interacial dating as well.
I’d encourage interacial/cross cultural dating/marriage for all africans (men and women)
I’d advise more african dudes to follow suit, don’t just jump of the bridge cos everyone else is.
Very nicely put my sister. I couldn’t have replied better.
wow ur article is so true, i was discussing this issue with a friend over the weekend, we were both analysing why the nigerian man would always come home to pick his bride, most times they dont even come at all their moms pick the gals and do wat we termed picture wedding( a situation where the man doesnt come his friend or brother stands for him) and it beats my imagination how nigerian girls could actually do that. coming home to get married, where does it leave the girls they have dated back there and i think thats why our nigerian ladies abroad are still single because the guys date them and probably come up with stories that touch the heart. Though girls back home are still a little bit cultured, i believe that they are good girls everywhere. its God that helps us in the decision making.
for me i feel so many people ve got to listen to their instinct and from the prevailing situation in their life know what is right to do when it comes to marriage.it does not matter where a lady should come from before your heart could speak of love,african ladies indeed are wife materails but i strongly believe you can make your wife what you want her to be irrespective of where she comes from.but real african always hold on to the legacies left by their parents.marriage in africa is very much respected than in the western world.when two people come together let them put their trust in God that maketh everything possible to those that believe him.
Very well written article, great comments too! As african americans(me), africans or what ever we need to learn more respect for each other and treat each other as true brothers and sisters and apply the golden rule to do unto others as we would have them do to us.
i have a friend from africa (nigeria), i’m american he told me pretty much what the article said, but we have to realize that men will be men and women will be women no matter what country. but when men and women founded in CHRST JESUS joins together, all things are possible, no matter what culture, lifestlye, or class. if you are a person in love with someone from another country, pray about it and let God’s Will be done in your life. forget about what you read and go with your heart. Every african man isn’t the same. Dont give up on him and dont listen to everybodies opinion. it’s just an opinion. Let your FACTS come from GOD Almighty. Understand his points of view, and respect his culture, respect him as a man, and let God work on you both. BE BLESSED
Wally Adesina, I think you’re are the confused one. Proof of identity or self-worth will always elude you if you are looking for it in language or cultural similarity. The best way to bring up children is in instilling in them a fear of God and a sense of right or wrong which is universal. I am from an inter tribal marriage. From your writing I see you are still finding yourself. Good luck searching.
Truth is, too many African men (like me) have their standards set by the memories of their mothers. Unfortunately, even though we have so much more to offer now than our Dads did, most African and African-American women in North America offer so much less. I’ve dated both in Nigeria and the US and the point is, our women in the U.S are simply too jaded.
If I may quote from an article by Jumoke Fasoyinu titled ‘The Burden of Immigrant Nigerian Parents’, she writes: “When I’m ready to go to bed because I’m sleepy, my mother, who has also worked a full day, on her feet (while my full time job is a desk job), will still be up cleaning and cooking, anything to make sure there’s fresh obe for us for the next day.”
My advice, you want a wife who can help raise your kids like your Mum did, go back home. If you want a wife like in the movies, stay here and have your pick.
PS: In no way does this advocate treachery and deceit.
For African Women, in their Country, their responsibilities have mostly been to served the family. in American, African American Women have had to be Mother, Father and the Financial Provider, so we need to stop judging each other and recognize that Women of color have had to be very strong individuals and appreciate each other struggles.
I am a twenty six year old woman from Iran. I have lived in America for twenty of those years. About two years ago, I started dating a man from Mali. Everything was absolutely perfect. We both worked on and recieved Masters in Science degrees from a major uni in Texas while we were dating. I began working at a petro engineering firm last year. I completely loved this man, he was my everything. Strong, gentle, kind, and very very sweet. I gave him every part of me, I loved him, why not? He even went so far as to meet my father and spend time with my father and my entire family. One month ago, he told me there was a woman that his family had arranged for him in Mali, waiting for him. Now that he’d finished his degree, he had to go there to marry her. To say the least, I’m heartbroken. I live everyday in total shock just thinking that he was simply using me to fill his days and nights, just to occupy time. But lying the whole time. If he’s thinking like these articles say that the Malian woman would make a better wife, I can’t change that thinking. If he’s thinking that she may be more submissive and look at him like he’s a god, like some of you suggest, then yes, she’d probably do a better job than I would at that as well. But her heart, it beats in her chest the same as mine, no? We both cry tears, right. I have blood running through my body same as she does, right. Yes I do. And I feel pain the same. I am hurting like I never hurt before. I miss him, but I cant make him stay. And most importantly, I dont deserve this. I’m a good person. I have a good heart. Does anyone have words to help me.
African amrican women are not applicants the ca as well go to the moon and marry; is there bussiness. The are mostly control freaks thats why the cant handle us. Nigerian born american muslim.
To the writer of this comment,making the assumption that Nigerian women are too independent to be married is rather egotistical.The fact that a woman is more exposed and knows her rights does not prevent her from being a good wife and partner.Rather,it kind of boils down to what the author of this artcle mentioned about African men needing a ‘greenhorn” as a wife who they can push all their ideas on without opposition.FYI,the devil u know is generally better than the angel u don’t know and generally rings true in this situation.
Dating African men is tough business. Dating anybody from a different culture/society is tough business. I am a white female. I reside in Canada. I have had my fair share of trouble when dating African men. I am a very sweet, honest and reliable person. Im a humanitarian and I believe in the Unity of all mankind. I just love people in general. I have dated people of different ethnic backrounds. I have learned allot from all of it. I believe you have to be very careful when ur dating someone that has different culture, and values, etc..You need to make DAMN sure ur both on the same page. From my own experiences, lots of people from certain places of the world do have a hidden agenda while dating North American women. And love generally isnt in it..They want sex, they want citizenship, or theyre just here to play head games because they have some time to waste while theyre in school etc etc…lots of people will do whatever it takes to "survive". In western culture, allot of us have never had to fight for our own survival or had to hustle so we could take care of ourselves and live a better life. We for the most part, in North America live a very comfortable life. People moving here, want and hope for a better life once they get here. They are still living to "survive", they arnt living to be comfortable or happy. And altho we are educated, allot of us have been sheltered by the west, allot of have never left. We havnt seen what its like up close and personal in genocide countries or in countrys where poverty strikes more than 60% of the population. We have no idea what its like and no idea what those people go thru or have gone thru. We are nieve, because we are comfortable. When a charming, intelligent, beautiful, guy wants to date us, tells us we're beautiful etc..dates us for a while, tells us they love us, we believe it. Most western girls wanna get married n have children and have that whole experience of being "happy". We complain allot about north american men, and sometimes foreign men look more appealing because allot of them seem to be respectful, stand up, goal orientated, hard working, have great morals etc. Everything we've been looking for..or soo we think. not realizing that love might not be on the agenda of the other person. I was so nieve the first time I dated an African man. He held himself to be a man of great moral character. I was raised Christian so morals are important to me so i thot he was amazing! I fell easily in love. After a year or so, everything came crashing down because i met his other gf. He had been dating her on the side for 5 months of our relationship. So I got suspicious and started doing my own hunt for the truth, and to m surprise i found out that he had been sleeping with many women besides me, leading all of us on, with the same stories and the same bullshit, none of us had any idea. I found out allot more than I ever had imagined besides that. Also, him and all of his African friends, together helped eachother play women. They would all lie for eachother, as a means to "bang" as many white chicks as they could and hopefully somewhere along the way find a woman that would be dumb enough to marry them in order to get a citizenship. None of it was ever about love. Just p**sy and gaining free entrance..=( I am by no means saying that all African men are like this. Just saying that there are people out there who only care about themselves and their own survival and its best to be careful and to know what u are getting urself into before u get in too deep.
I dated an nigerian man that was station in ft sam houston texas he is in the army, we dated for a few months, i became pregant wgich im now 4 1/2 mths ,he wanted me to abort my baby, he has taken me through so much drama,he has mental verable abuse me he tells me he see no value in me,well to make a long story short he has left me and is station in masschuttes,he called me and ask for forgivness for the way he treated me i forgave him but he no longef in contact with me if i call him he ignores my calls,so now will raise is chikd without him he told me didnt want this child,he made feel i wasnt good enough to be his wife ,but to be with him to forfil his needs i still love him to this day,but lesson learn for me i will never dated another african man
Nice article, simply saying there is no hard and fast rule to this issue.I feel marriage flows from mutuality. But nonetheless there should be some important characteristics to make it last longer, just like our fore fathers. comon culture is one of them.All western life brought to marriage is doom and failure and i think this accounts to why our men go back to women with same characteristics. I WILL DEFINITELY DO THE SAME.
I feel that this article was informative and made some good points. I have definitely seen African men that I have known to date African women in US and African American women in US to only go home to import in wives from back home to marry. I believe that people should marry whom makes them feel comfortable, but I don’t find it fair to fill the women here with broken promises only to turn their backs to marry women back home as if those in US aren’t good enough. It couldn’t be that these men are so unaware to believe that the girls back home are so innocent and aware of the old cultural ways of Africa when they are more westernized than the women here in US embracing the cultural of Europe. As for the writer who made this comment on African American Women dying alone on their death bed. You have to be callous, cold, uneducated about the African American culture. Do you really know what you are talking about? I am sure rather married, or single, African American families in this country do believe in extended families and come to the aid of one another in times of crisis. So marriage doesn’t guarantee you won’t die lonely, you may be married and die alone while your so called African marriage as you call it, the husband is lying in the arms of another woman while his African wife is suffering. He may have abandoned her due to she could no longer provide for his needs during her sickness. So stop being so closed minded and embrace openness and not cultural stigmitism.
Hi I understand your article to well. I married a man from kenya five years ago. I was there for him through the good and bad times. I was his queen while we were trying to get is citizenship. THe las year he became withdrawn ant started saying urtfull things. As suddenly as it began it was over. It was like a switch was turned off. I thought he loved me but I was wrong. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for African men. I still do. After reading this article I have abetter understanding of African men. I am not giving up on true love with my African men, but next time I will be more careful.
i disagree with the author of this article for the most part. i am a cameroonian living in the states and i have to say. the stuff i see around me is very scary. sometimes i look at all these so called “liberated, strong independent sistas” and go “huh” is this the bunch i have to pick a wife out of. i mean les be honest. i have a far better chance of marrying an educated, polite, humble, relaible, good cook, well mannered virgin fom africa than from the states or europe. this whole western culture is toxic. men are acting like babies, females are running wild and kids are so disrespectfull to their elders. so i say if a man wants to go home and marry, i say more power to him. most african men are very wise, so ofcourse nobody is going to go back home and pick just anybody. there has to be a connection and you have to make sure shes not marring a visa to the states instead of you. and the way to do this is mintaina low profile and do not flaunt whatever you have. that way any female that falls in love with you, is a potential wife.
I agree with some of the comments above, I am a Nigerian lady living in the United Kingdom. I have lost count of the times I have meet Nigerian men who suddenly expect that the fact that we come from the same country means I should date them or give them some kind of preference. I am gererally sadened by the way Nigerian men here conduct themself…regardlessnof their education or proffession(Yes there are a few that are the exception to the rule…I know) I am yet to meet a Nigerian man that is reliable here in the United kingdom, they complain about Nigerian women being too westernised e.t.c All I see are women who have simply evolved and most importantly self preservation. This does not mean our culture is forgotten, men who complain, if they were genuine and bothered to find out more about most Nigerian women would realise this. When abroad, we all aim to better our lives and that of our families, any one or anything that would possibly put an end to or cause misfortune to this I belive should be put at arms learnt.
Because you are a Nigerian man abroad doesn’t make you automatically a perfect match. If the Nigerian men abroad treated fellow Nigeria women abroad with respect instead of undue suspicion and remember that for some women life abroad has been all they’d known for many years or for some all their lives! Most would wellcome a reconnection but wisely know the tell, tell signs of a Nigerian serial womanizer and would not hang around to get used. Some men have learnt the hard way that some of the women they go home to marry are quicker to adapt to life abroad than they’d expected and soon…they start using the same words to discribe them as they use to discribe most single Nigerian women abroad.
I am an African American Woman who stumbled upon this article just browsing the net. African men, please know that African American Women are not all undesirable as mates. And writer, please note that we are not all lonely either. In the US, African American men are dying in large numbers, and being incarcerated and are gay in large numbers.
We are also educated, loving, and can make excellent wives. You are traveling long distances, when there are many eligible women of color right here in America
Thank you, thank you, than you. As a African American Women,born and raised in the US I feel like we catch alot of flack. I believe you are speaking truth than. We are independent and alot of men cant handle that. We’ll, your/their, issue should’nt be with Black American women, it lies with the Black American male. He has fallen short. So much so that many of us have had to wear the hat of the man and women. Alot of you complain about us being too strong, but its because of insecure, immature black men who dont know how to take care of the homes or their women that some of us act the way we do. And to top it off, now they act like were not good enough because they want to chase white women. Can you really blame the Black American female. We do what we have to, to survive because it is neccessary.
Your article was interesting to read. There are many social issues that need to be addressed and understood to answer alot of these questions. No matter what geographic location you are from, if God isnt present in your marriage some where, you are asking for trouble. We choose mates based on things that have no real relevance to whether that person is equally yoked to us or not. Bad marriages come in all sizes shapes and colors. However my comment is towards the writter who said,” African women are smarter, better cooks, better lovers and better behaved, than African American women”. I am truly taken back, as an African American women, to hear/read these type of thoughts of Africans towards us. Your judgement comes with a great deal of ignorance and a lack of compassion for your American sisters.
African American women have been the back bone of our community since the turn of the century. It was us, who supported, raised, nutured, fed, cultivated, and stood by the black man throughout history,while he struggled to become. Alot of this country’s greatest inventions, that have the names of black men on them, would have never been achievd if it were’nt for the black women.
Over the last several decades we have been forced to play the roles of mother, father, community leaders, sole providers and protectors of our house hold. Why, because many of us were abondoned by black men who don’t know how to be men. As a result, the emotional and phsycological effect has taken its toll on many African Americna women. Never the less,we are independent and resilient like no other women on the face of this earth. In addition, we are CEO’s, Vice Presidents, Directors, Independent business owners and then some. Not just a few of us, but many, of us. Our job is never ending, those of us who have become strong, have done so, not because of the black men, but in spite of him and his inability to take care of his family and community. So, I say to you my sister, “How dare you look down your nose at us”. What is your plite? What will be your legacy? What have you done and what are you doing for the betterment of the community other than sit back and judge that which you obviously know nothing about.
We should be at a point where we are working together to solve the issues that affect all black people. It is sad and unfortunate that there will always be great divide between Black Americans and Africans Hmmmmm I wonder why?
A good write up indeed.I think the buttom line sticks to the fact that you reap whatever you sow.If you are a man and you are through with breaking the heart of all the girls in US or wherever,and you think home is the next place to pick a saintly virgin which you dont deserve,never mind, Go home and get her,God is praparing your whip-wife for you down in Africa,hurry,come pick her up man and get rewarded.
And for the Ladies,use your head,they use you for thier pleasure and documents purposes and then fly out and get you crying,be smarter and dont settle for any man whose not worth it.If you are able to know before hand and if not,PRAYYYYYYYYYYY that God reveals thier true motives to you.African woman,America is not heaven,look before you leap.Marriage is honourable if done for the right reasons,ladies and gentlemen,dont toy with your future.Good Luck.
u would think ‘these ” men have learnt their lesson by now….
so I take it you are prejudiced against Igbo and Yoruba weddings as well??
A nice article, which truly got me thinking.i am the older one of a twin couple based in germany and believe me or not, my sister and i are maybe only 2 out of hundred living examples….born into a biracial relationship,grewing up in foster care and never ever had the chance to meet our nigerian father…get the chance to know our heritage..our fathers langauage…culture and traditions…family and all.i always get very sad when i see how some african men are playing with their foreign women….and mostly how innocent biracial children are suffering by not beeing completly accepted by ( f.e.)the german community…and then to make matters worst the african community is not completly behind us either! we are never true african children to them too…now i ask myself WHERE DO WE FIT IN THEN? my experience is that no matter how much i tried to be an african woman or let me say beeing accepted as an equal to the african community…that means learning the langauage, culture,traditions,also cooking like an african woman…never made me to be one.i will always remain the mixed lady.i don`t know if i am really in support of biracial relationships….i guess i have seen too many bad examples…the other part was always missing something he couldn`t get in the other!!please excuse my spelling…i have tried my best ,but english is not my first langauage ;0).
A nice article. But i feel the author might have generalised to much. ”Its just like someone saying all nigerian’s are crooks”.
I believe an individuals behaviour could be shaped by past experiences, acquantances etc. I am based in UK, a nigerian muslim who was raised by a chrisitan white family from Ireland. My upbringing has enabled me to see people from the perspective of their behaviour and not thair colour or creed. This has helped me in my relationships with people from different races, cultures or backgrounds.
I would feel the same comfortability dating a white, black, albino or any lady for that matter, the most important thing I would consider is her total character, and I don’t think I would need to go back to Nigeria to get married. I have seen that you can get the good/bad/ugly in anyplace and anywhere, it depends on what an individual is looking for.
Kind Regards
very enlighting helpful…
I believe that the reason for african men going back home to marry is because its very hard to trust american woman because we are so different from the woman in africa and i have witness this because i have been to africa. the woman back in africa have alot of respect for there husbands, they know were there place is there is no disrespect from the woman back home in africa, if so they will be put in there place but it is very rare that an african woman will disrespect her husband only because she was raised that way. the men in africa believe that there job is to take care of the woman and children, providing for his family and the african woman will give her husband the glory and the respect that he deserves for being loyal to his family and the husband will totally respect his wife for respecting him. These things are understood in africa not so much in america.you have to understand that when the african men come up here to america they see so much disrespect from alot of american woman when it comes down to relationships and marriages in america. you have to understand The african ways of men and african woman when it comes down to total respect in the marriage were they come from because it was inbeded in them since birth and i believe that marriages would last a life time in america if the american people were raised with better morals and respect when it comes down to marriage because back in africa the woman knows were her place is and so does her husband and it is to be respected. The divorce rate is so high in america but not in africa. if i was an african man i would get my wife from back home to but that does'nt mean that all marriages in africa are perfect because there not they have there disapointments just like we do but there is much more respect there way more then ameican marriages. Not all african men are bad because they choose to go back home and marry and then latter on bring there wife to america and not all of them leave there wives after they bring them up here to america what about the american men that get married and cheat on there wives with some one else and then decide to move away with the mistress to another state. american people lets not forget about what we are capable of doing behind closed doors or in public we should be ashamed of some of the things that we have done or can do or will do to other people so nobody is the better person it all boils down to the respect issue and how anything goes in america. america and the people in it is the reason why african men go home to get married and i have heard alot of comments that said… how can these african men go back home and marry a woman that they dont know?.. lets not forget that the same thing happens in america.
First of all, this article and the majority of the comments are generalized and stereotypical. I am in love with and married to an African man. I am a white female. We have a strong healthy relationship. I trust him with my life. I have traveled with him home. He is nothing like the men you all speak of, NOT everyone is the same. Stop generalizing.
Nice article.
I recently browsed a book that discusses similar marriage migration questions but in other cultures – Vietnamese, Filipino…I promise you'll find it entertaining as well. Global Woman by Barbara Ehrenreich.
I've taken the pain to read the article as well as the comments. The author has just expressed his personal openion on the subject. While I agree with some of the contents, I think the author exaggerated on just about everything else. Every Nigerian man that goes home to marry has his reasons and the ones provided by the author are not necessarily the main reasons, atleast he has not provided empirical data to back his claims. While I consider going home to marry a total stranger completely absurd, I do know that some of the couples have known each other for some time. Most nigerians I know complain too much and they want to live their life and then control other people's life. If one decides to marry a stranger, for Gods sake let him do just that. I personally have been crucified by other nigerians for dating white girls. Well, from High school to college to graduate schools….I have been around them and that's all I have dated. Its like this: Black American chic dont want us to date White girls. Nigerian girls in America dont want us to date Black American girls. Nigerian girls in the Western World do not want us to marry fellow Nigerian women back home. That leaves the white girls and the nigerian women back home as the ones that complain the least.
People should be alowed to do anything that will give them happiness. If going back home to marry will give me what I want , I will not even think twice before I do it. A well behaved and respectful Nigeria woman will always find her husband where ever she is. No real African man will be ready to put up with a woman who thinks she is too big to listen to her husband. At least we still have our culture.Hey ! stop. I love my wife and give her the respect she deserves. And please don't get me wrong. I am not saying it is only in Africa you can find good women to marry. I live in England. And if I was not married before coming here I would have gone back home to look for a wife. I don't think I would have been able to live with all these your so called civilised ways of living where traditions has become a thing of the past.
As for the author of this piece, though it was a good work, you failed to talk about the good side of marring from home, which I think over weighs all the negative views you have on the issue.
The article was excellent. I just ended a 4 month "relationship" with a Nigerian and the article helped me to know that I did understand what I saw in him. He was full of ego, broke but well educated. He tried to sue his employer and lost, both marriages ended in failure. One with an African American and one with an African who left him without telling him and was pregnant with his son. The culture is too paternalistic for me. Unless you really understand the culture and unless he feels he needs to understand your culture, mutual respect is impossible. The events of the diaspora come from the same type of source and affect African men to an extent. I wish this fool well, and hope he finds his happiness. I found mine by telling him to GO!
For comment #29, If a woman has to kiss a Nigerian(or really any other mans) mans behind to keep him-maybe she does not need him. This is the case whether they are NIGERIAN,AFRICAN, or AFRICAN AMERICAN. A person don't have to have company to be miserable when they can"do bad all by themselves"! People get mad at feminism and its supposed "excesses" whether unfounded or real, but if chauvinism was not overdone or did not exist-there would be no need for feminism. This article references African men, but throughout the world, men have unrealistic expectations for women when they do not always have respectable standards/live up to decent standards for themselves or to offer other women-and women everywhere feel that is getting old. I am NOT anti-man and do not assume all men are foul; nor do I think all women are righteous and upstanding-but it never ceases to amaze me how men that may not very well be the ideal man themselves-i.e. "players" and "pimps" always expect the woman of their dreams to be "a lady"/"ladies'' themselves. As for the thing about long marriage there are many long marriages that entailed abuse,marital rape, unhappiness, and adultery;so the long marriage can also be overrated. This applies to that conventional argument and not just posters in generally.I am not recommending breakup/divorce at the slightest pretense but being single ain't always bad no more than being married is always good;plus like I said before why should you endure misery for years with someone when you can be that by yourself.
i dated a senegal man for 4 years, he never mention that his family had arranged a wife for him. we were married last year and i find out that when he went back home after being away for 7 years he got married, he said he does not love her he wants to be with me. he loves me. men should be honest when they meet american women and tell them what is back home before starting something here. we are still together he said he is not going back home again
I want to address the notion of African women being well-behaved and submissive, and western women lacking the ability to be nurturing. I don't buy it. My personal observation is that western women simply expect more from our partners. Africa is a place where macho attitudes have taken a loud, noticable place in society. Feminist attitudes are just as present in Africa as they are in any society, but they are quieter – spoken only in the company of women. Thus, African women tend to accept the fact that men will cheat, lie and even beat them. I know an African girl who once said to me, "If my man comes home and finds that there is no food, he beats me, doesn't he?" I have another African girlfriend with less extreme views who has told me, "Men lie. It's just their nature. They can't help it," and "All husbands cheat. When the marriage reaches low points, the men go out and find themselves 17 year old girls to play with. You have to forgive them. They don't know better." Likewise, my in-laws are African and my sister-in-law has been physically abused by her husband. Although the whole family knows about it, they talk about him like he is Superman because he bought her a Hummer and is a prestigous politician. My point is that this kind of behavior is accepted from African men – even expected. Now, once an African woman has been in West for some time, she starts to give men more credit than that. She realises that men are not animals with no sense of logic or reason. They are thinking, intelligent, capable human beings who are able to live their lives without lying, cheating and punching.
Now, this has nothing to do with their ability to nurture and love their husbands and children. It does not degrade them as women. In fact, I beleive that it contributes to heathier relationships – because they begin to see men as equals. Not as helpless, weak, sinful beings. But as strong, intelligent, and controlled beings.
My only question is: why do African men have a problem with this? My husband is Nigerian and he says he couldn't have married an African woman. (Yes, I'm one of those despised white wives.) He says that he needs his wife to expect more from him than an African woman would have expected. (Of course, I want to state that there are many African women who could have been compatible with him, and that I'm simply making generalisations here. There are always a plethora of exceptions to every generalisation!)
Though your article was informative, people have different reasons for doing what they do.
I do not agree with the perception that African men who go back home are suffering from insecurity or inferiority complex. Some do not want to go through the hassles of cultural differences, different perceptions etc.
On the other hand, there are some African ladies too, who set very unrealistic standards for themselves, adopt values that are inconsistent with their beliefs and think and they find themselves stuck. But at the end of the day though, I will rather marry somebody from here, in the sense that the person will have a more realistic expectation of life in America.
Diversity adds color to a relationship, and a touch of the strange lends spice and excitement to the flowering of intimacy.
The topic is discussion here is not new nor surprising to anyone. I must admit that everyone has one good reason to marry the "must come to america by all means" women from the homeland or take their chances with the wonderful sweet damsels abroad. Most of us are influenced by family and friends, others learned from the mistakes of others. Whatever the case maybe..I personally think it is a case by case scenerio: IF you cant marry the one you are with, marry the one you dine and wine for all these years.
Then again, guys like me cant seem to find an educated, intelligent, beautiful sista to dine and wine and marry….if you are between 24 and 29y/o, 5ft 6' to 5 9", slender, slim, athletic built, beautiful ( race unimportant)and looking for an African man ..pls write to gettheright1@yahoo.com…
I am 30y/o 5ft 8in tall, 160lb, athletic built, healthcare professional, honest African man. My source of inner strength is rock-solid integrity, an iron-clad sense of honor. I Practice restraint and do not abuse my authority over others (women in general). I have a kind, generous heart and help those less fortunate. I Value morality, but show compassion toward the weaknesses of others, and understand my own.
Good luck to all.
comment #31 you are my hero or heroine for your comment. To add to it. When they grow old and had nobody to marry them, they change turn bi. After getting frustrated with bi life they change sex. They are all unhappy bunch of liberated nitwits. The most unhappy set of people I have ever come across in my life. I have been to many countries in europe and south america, 99% of the time you meet happy people along the way. Here they never are.
The average African man is a provider and protector. He desires to have a wife that is caring and nurturing. Now, that is something my fellow Nigerian-American ladies don't have. There is no equality in gender. Men are men for a reason, so are the women as well. Once, you start to make a man feel less than he is, you cripple him. A man, always want to feel like a man. That does not mean, he should be a dictator. Most women in the diaspora have been brainwashed about independence and strong. I use a different word, "interdependent" – knowing when to be dependent and when to be independent.
African ladies in UK and US, start making the men around you feel like a man and they'll not go to Africa to get married. African men in UK and US, start treating your sisters with respect. It's no wonder I have enough suitors. LOL. Just my two-cents.
Before the women think I am some gullible girl that just arrived from Africa, better recognize that I got more education than most of you, but I still understand what my roles are in a marriage. Don't get it twisted.
Nigerian men marry for love and not for race.
God bless you all as you make a right choice
For all the comments about Nigerian women abroad…i am sure people have mentioned that in this world there are always good and bad people, women or men be it in Nigeria or abroad..so just be careful anywhere that is all I have to say.
Keny..nice comment ..who needs another passport that is not the green Nigerian one.. likewise I am a student moving back to Nigeria after Medical school by God's grace.
On the other hand I am not against inter-racial marriages, God has provided a life partner for each and every one of us be it white, black , asian ..whatever so people quit complaining..
My personal choice, a Nigerian man who cares and is God fearing and has a vision for my beautiful country Nigeria
I wish I could say more but I am quite tired
God Bless Nigeria
I was alittle bit concerned when I ran into this article. I have a friend from miami who was wined and dined by a nigerian man. She was so much quote on quote in love with him that she left er family to move to Nigeria with him. Now after a few weeks of honeymooning I guess it didnt work out and she was robbed and left at the hotel that they booked for their honey moon. It has now turned into a serious matter because she is unhappy and suffering. The problem is that one american women are use to a certain degee of material possesionor being able to get to these amenities quickly. But I'm sure that Africa doesnt provide these amendities to that extend that on can easy adjust. her situation has become sticky because she has no more and no resources to get back to the states. A case of blindly following your heart? or a plot rob and abandon american in africa? leave me some opinion via email pbkin305@hotmail.com
I am currently dating a nice guy from Nigeria, who lives in Germany. We have only been dating a few months, but itis something about him that drives me completely wild. i do have questions, that maybe someone out there could answer. I am an american women, and he wants to get married in Nigeria. I guess that's cool, but is it a specific reason that he wants to get maried there? I have heard that Nigerian men are selfish and stingy, is that true? I know that all men are different, no matter where they are from, but I am just a little afraid thatI may not be able to live up to what is customary for a wife of a Nigerian man. If anyone out there can give me some insight, it would be greatly appreciated.
well the aticle is true, i can identify with women who were dumped,as if they were me or my sister. But sincerely there is an exception to the rule, u must not forget that some of this women come here and they forget where they come from, dump all their culture and all that,some place themself so highly.U know what i'm a nigerian woman who came to join her husband.i didn't do it for the reason u listed,maybe he did for the reason u gave about been spoilt,but sure he doesn't lord overme cos he acts like a modern gentleman. i hope more guys get to read this and if this is their case they should have a rethink.(for us there was a relationship and love,)
I am an Asian and I'm in love with a Kenyan man. Sure, we both know that there are a lot of cultural differences between the two of us. We are certainly awrae of it. The only thing that keeps us together is the fact that communication is important to us. We agree to respect our differences in culture and seek for ways to understand each other. It is very difficult because many of my people consider me "odd" at times because I am with a an African man. But there are people who also believes that it doesnt matter wether he's African and I'm an asian. Both of us agreed to offer each other the respect that we deserve and if there is something that we disagree with…..we compromise. At first my apprehension is that his family would compare me with the girls coming his culture and he feels the same way too. But my family accpeted him and so do I. We're happy together despite of difficulties. Marraige is something done out of love not just for convenience. ……
Who will marry tokunbo women that are all abroad,they have been exposed to western way of doing things and we guys feel we could get more cultured girls from africa.kanu nwankwo left england to go and marry amarachin in his village and also a virgin despite the fact has the chance to date agbani darego former miss world.so i think its better to go home and marry a good cultured and mannered girl no matter the cost.if u like marry tokunbo wife.
Wow! I'm just deeply saddend by all the pre-conceived notions about American black women. It sounds like most Africans hate us unless we are offering our body parts to them. I am in love with an African man. However, there is so much mutual cultural mistrust, that I'm afraid we can't go any further. I wish it weren't like this. I truly love him, but I'm afraid I'll be taken advantage of and he's afraid of the same thing of me. No matter how we try to convince each other of our sincerities, we both end up keeping a distrustful eye on each other. I feel deep down inside that he'll just leave me for an African woman. I just want to love who I love with confidence that there is nothing under their sleeve that doesn't include me in their future. I'm sick of men who don't care about me or my future. I have been to Africa, and I met independant women and oppressed women. However it seems that African American women are only thought of as trash by most Africans. I am NOT trash. I am a human being full of love and acceptance for everyone. Upon meeting me, you have my respect unless you give me a reason not to respect you. I want to come together with my African brothers and sisters and be one again. Please let's start now. We're wasting time brothers and sisters. Start loving ourselves and each other NOW! It's time to ascend beyond these STUPID divisions. The powers that be are laughing at us while we fight across continents. Honor and blessings to all. God bless the world.
i think a known devil is better than an unknown angel.But whom ever u get married to is your choice.But these guys should stop leading these ladies.Most of these Nigerian men believe in "arrangee' marriage,what gives you the assurance that there are no corrupt folks in Nigeria?YOU HAVE 2 CHOICES; LOVE OR TRIBE.IF I WERE TO PICK,I'LL RATHER PICK LOVE.LOVE IS EVERYTHING.
This is a great write up. Kudos!
With the exposure a lot of Nigerian men have in the Western world, I wonder why they still believe in such things. As for me, marriage is all about love, friendship, trust and tolerance, if you can find these in a white, red even yellow woman, go for it! Nigerian men, you have only one life to live… Your mum or dad will not live your life for you… If your love is strong, she will go with you any where you go. Yoruba's to be specific, you are never alone or lost if if you marry a white. Love matters.
You are an excellent writer. Would love to read more from you. Thank you.
It doesn't matter who you marry, happiness in the marriage is the most important thing. First I can't marry someone far away from me, so the idea of going back home to marry is out of question. Secondly having same culture be helpful, but understandig each other and sharing same future goal is paramount. I am a Nigerian male married to a lovely Haitian lady, we met in college here in US and its been blissful ever since.
very helpful.i'm an african american female pregnant for the 2nd time(1st one was terminated he said to take it out)by an african ghanaian male an engaged to by married in 3wks he has 3 kids back home an wants to send for them.i keep asking him how can he just take the kids from there mother an he says those are my kids they are coming here.i think he just using me to get her here.his parents know we are together but they don't know im pregnant an i can't tell them cause they don't speak english he says it don't matter.i need help cause i feel this man is gonna hurt me bad.
an excellent article. quite revealing.
That was a great easy that actually hits the nail on the head.
A very interesting article. I often wondered why African men go home to marry, except that they can dominate those women more than American women. I am a white american woman, married to a man from Mali. Probably will be divorced by next year, because I am tired of his lying and possible cheating. He denies everything of course, so he can still imagine himself to be the boss of this household. HA! I am truly disgusted the way African society raises it's boys to behave as men…nothing short of pitiful! Africa will never progress as long as they are living in the dark ages in terms of men/women relationships. African men are oppressed also, because they spend all their time oppressing their women…that is why they are not truly free in their mind!
I am a single Nigerian professional born-again christian male in the US, for about 8years now and I can not even imagine going home to get a total stranger just for the sake of marrying from my culture. I seek ,pray and wait on God for a GOD FEARING wife. It is dsirable to marry from your own culture but that should be the case only when the other condition ,already well discussed here are met. I have seen apparently well educated men go home,met a woman for three days, marry them and are separated once in the US a few weeks later. It is plain stupidity!
i personally think the author hit it on the dot. its black people on a whole lost and confuse. africans they seem to have that arrogance that i'm the greatest of the black people. as if their lives is so different from any body else. they also was oppressed. and then came those male dominant culture to fill that gap of low selfesteem issues. a african woman shouldn't see any different because she was built to accept that life. time have changed and alot of these men and women can't see past culture. even if its pure ignorance . leave them to be. birds of a feather flock together. because truefully they are the ones that will never be complete. . if they want to live up to their culture that is past down from their great great ancestors. they had the right to marry who they marry a nigerian ,because they never had the oppurtunity to see the other beautifull people in the world. i personally never seen too african together that seem like their madly in love they just always look as if its a duty for both of them. can they love. african men have a manly persona but at mind is like a child seeking assurance from his mother(the villiage)
I truly appreciate your writing this page. On the other hand, I would say the men who go back to their respective countries to marry an "innocent" woman have insecurity issues. if their sole purpose is to have a woman that can look up to them. how insecure and self-esteemless must you be if you need constant reassurances on your masculinity. who says the women you go back to marry are innocent anyways. my last thought is "oju e a ja"
He is a prolific writer
This a well written article and it is sadly the truth, I have been living in the States 5 years now and I still can't understand why our men run home to get married after making empty promises to women here. I have been through my share of those empty promises and it's saddening and it demoralizes us, some of might not be Miss World facially or have figure 8 or size 0 shapes, we are hardworking, dependable and loving women who just needs someone to love us for us. Those girls they are bringing from Nigeria or Africa are only after one thing and one thing only, a meal ticket and a free ride to the US or any European Countries, but here you have women who are not afraid to be submissive to their husbands, knows how to take care of a man in and out of the bedroom, not afraid to be a woman so the man can be a man, they just ignore us and go ahead to their precious countries to get their sweet sixteens who will now come here and show them the stuff they are made off as soon as their eyes are opened. I just pray that God will answer prayers for women like me who just needs a man to love and care for.
once again thanks for the article, you hit the nail on the head.
I am so glad that I did not fear the unknown about the things I would find out about Nigerian man/women and culture-according to some folk. I happen to be dating a Nigerian fromthe Yoruba tribe, and so because I really like the brother I thought I would get a concept or check out the opinions of what Nigeria/west Africa really thinks of the African-American woman.
I am very blown away by the articles I have read so far and at the same time not so surprised. I have a news flash for those of you who think that African American women are nothing but whores, commercialized, and money hungery to name a few. However, many of us are total opposite earnest, virtuous, loving, and able to work hard at out own merit. Did I that many of us are quite intelligent? Do not forget that we have ancestors from Africa? (umm West Africa mainly) and share the same bloodline to an extent. We tend to be agressive (sometimes), and demand a lot from men because we simply are not $2 hoes( or hoes for that matter period!) the chase has a valid reason in most cases and it is called virtue.
Every man in the world should love us because of what we have been through for the past 400 years or so-being separated from our culture religion and family and centuries later trying to retrace and acclaim who we are. Are people have been hung, burned to death, whipped, beaten, hosed and discriminated against-yet we are resilient.
After reading the thread of your comments i do not think I will pursue anything more serious with my friend. Alhough I care for him very much, I will not put up with harsh, rude and holier-than-thou, such insults and lies about me and my sisters-I cannot speak for the white women as they are in their own category. But you as a closely tied people should embrace and love us Black women and men in America. We all look alike..still..even though our bloodline is mixed up and we have lost the native tongue.
With all that being said-Black women are the essence of being extra -curricular : We can do fifty things at one time and not break a sweat! That is what makes us special and beautiful :Afro-Americans period are descendants of African men and women. Out of all the hell and injustice we endure from non-blacks , we overcome it victoriously!!!
Don't believe me? Do your research, I did mine!
Peace
its a great essay i guess u must have given this all out to african/nigerian men in america, they must read this so as to learn their lessons and take precaution
This is an exellent article but i think people do things for different reasons.Am a male ,Nigerian,studying in U.K.Am not irked to any cultural bluff,however,its disgusting what many African women do here U.K.The truth is that there are the good ones,so there the bad.Hopely i will marry here and go back to Nigeria finally after my medical carea.For those that marry becasue of Green card,persoannly i don't need the U.S or U.K papers,am ok with the Nigerian passport.
I love this article this guy wrote. I am from Nigeria and I am sick of people messing around with this American ladies while they have a wife or fiance back home in there country. someone in one of the comments said they go back home to marry because there marriage would last longer since the Nigerian back home are innocent. they should also not be messing with the girls here in America, because if you bring that girl over here you will still continue to mess with them while you are married to the so called good girl you brought from Nigeria. I think if you are such a cultural guy like you think you are then why do you have sex with the girls here and pretend that you want to keep it traditional. there is know way you can justify an African male that messes around with american women and then go home to marry a good girl. I think that is wrong like the writer said karma which I strongly believe in will catch up with you.
well many has been said by people what i can only add is that u guyz sholud keep it up its a nice article anyway and well presented.But,you know your home is your home nomatter how long you spend at back "THE GREAT NIGERIA WALL"you will definately come back home.
So Nigeian men that are coming home to marry knows best of their decision.GOD BLESS NIGERIA AND GOD BLESS YOU guys out there keep it up.
Sabella writes very uncomfortable truths.I live overseas and married before leaving Nigeria.Given that the way I see kids behaving here in the UK scares when I think of my children growing up here.I feel that people who do not want to marry out of their cultures are just timid.I get along with and understand people from all cultures and races and don't think I would ever have gone back to marry unless I met a girl who I started dating back home before she knew I lived abroad.Its all about poverty and the fear of poverty which most of us are less than a generation from.It is responsible for a lot of things.The need to dress expensively, drive big cars ,show girls back home how much money you have,it just goes on.I have seen too many times what happens when the mgbeke from home comes overseas,gets to know the score and realise that her man is just an outsider in his adopted country.She may also have come with her plans already mapped out .At the end almost always a sad story unless based on genuine love
I have been married to a gambian for eight years and I do agree that there are alot of culture differences but the majority of african males marry what they would consider serious minded individuals and truly want a better life for themselves and there children it is easier for them to marry from there own country because she would know what he expects from her in the marriage but if he is truly interested all of these things would be discussed in the begining then alot of african men are not used to all of the freedoms with women such as they are allowed here surprisingly to me at least alot of them come here still virgins themselves not that they would come out and just tell you that but the bottom line is that any relationship takes time, patience, understanding and most of all good communication a man can only do what you let him do to you
Wow, there's been loads of comments on this article. I don't suppose there's anything new i can add to it. Nevertheless, i could say that different people do things for different reasons. While a lot of men fit into the picture you have carved, a lot may have left true loves back home whom they returned to. Or, it could just be the the degree of emancipation the Nigerian women living in America for some years far exceed that the most feminist Nigerian woman living in Nigeria has, because that 'cursed' cultural beliefs are ever present to put sand in their garri. Some men can handle such 'wise' women, some can't, i don't think anyone should be forced to live with what they can't stand!
it was a good article. it's hard for African young women like myself to date because of this exact thing. I'm considered too independent since i've been in the states
Sabella thank you for this beautiful,and very true essay.i want every single nigerian male living in america to read this, because i too consider myself as a victim of this obnoxious behavior from nigerian men.once again thank you for putting this out there,it takes only a real man to do this.keep up the good work !!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's a very good atricle
I am a 24 yr old African American woman living in London. I think if a man is from Nigeria dont even bother. But if he has been born and raised in America or England he is worth pursuing because, he will have a western mind set and going off to marry someone he barely knows will be out of the questions plus a western man has a bit more respect for women in general. And not to be funny other sisters but I have been all over the world, American women are the most polished women on the planet. It has nothing to do with where your parents are from but if you are a true American woman , you cant settle for less because you know your the best woman you can be. And thats why these men are so attracted to us they like that ego persona but they fear being cheated on deep down inside there cowards, And that can be any man. I think White men are hot because most dont fear the challenge and treat Black American women excellent.
I agree with the your analysis .You have also raised pointers which I had not thought of .My main strategy in this society has been to integrate into it as much as possible .This way my marriage opportunities are not limited to women from Africa.
Thanks again for such an interesting anaylsis
that was excellent. you have broaden my views. to read something that applys to my situatuion. i'm jamaican but lived in america since i was a adolesent. i'm married to african that is from senegal, we are married for 3 years and been together
6 years, he recently gain his green card and went back to his country december 2006. after 2 weeks back in the u.s.a he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore, totally abandon me.i couldn't understand what will make a person change over night. he did it with no empathy. i'm hurt and i'm angry because who do they think they are to play with people emotions.their sons and daughter have to manifest in this world.alot of africans believe that our ancestors came from them but their ancestors is here as well.wicked and cruel. but i have decided to let him go.i agree 100 percent with what you said. he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. and i'm that type of women to let him learn. thank you to let me have a better understanding
Its such a shame that the writer chooses to tread on an unknown and not too familer ground thereby exposing his ignorance and lack of understanding, i wish he would take timeout to be with an African woman for a month and he would understand the actual reason why African men will keep coming to back home to get married
This article was very informative and touched on a lot of the issues I, an African-American women, had when I was in a relationship with a Muslim Nigerian man of the Igbira tribe here in the U.S. Although, he treated me nicely, I found out that he was very male chauvinistic and somewhat insensitive to my wants/needs/feelings, e.g., he wanted me to be submissive to him, do whatever he told me to do, and he didn't like the fact that I wasn't afraid to speak my mind. Additionally, when we had sex, he seemed to care more about making sure that he came and not caring if I came too. Also, there was a huge cultural difference; however, I didn't mind the cultural difference. My problem was that he didn't want to compromise, i.e., it was his way and no other way. Also, he was trying to treat me like a Nigerian woman when I was born and raised here in the U.S. Additionally, I couldn't trust him, i.e., I feared that he jsut wanted to marry me to get his Green Card and then when he got what he wanted, he would leave me to go home and marry a Nigerian woman back in Nigeria.
I must say that I disagree with you saying that African woman are better cooks and lovers. Just because I, an African-American woman, may not know how to cook African dishes does not mean I'm not a good cook. In fact, my ex-Nigerian boyfriend told me that he loved my cooking and that I was the best lover he ever had. He told me that most times the African women he had sex with in Nigeria would just lay there in the missionary position. With me, however, I got on top of him, let him hit it doggystyle, and did other sexual positions he had never experienced. I was adventurous and not boring to him. I liked the fact that he accepted the fact that I was married and divorced, but he didn't treat as if I was dirty or impure. In fact, we have been broken up for over 2 years now and he still calls me saying that he wants us to get back together. Even though I still don't trust him and don't think I should get back with him, some of my friends told me that they really think he loves and cares for me. Let this be known, I will not be hoodwinked by anyone.
wonderfully insightful
I agree with you totally. i was marriage to a Gambian. He had an idea that africa women at home was perfect. The way it use to be in the good old days. Time have change, so have african men. It would foolish to think african women at home are the same as well. We no longer marriage. He went back home to get a wife, but he spend most of hes time away from her. He tell me. She change and he just want to be alone now. She is a good woman, so am I. It wasnt us but him. If you dont feel good, about who you are. What you can offer me. No one can make anyone happy that comes from with in. I think African men need to. Take a good look at themself. What you put out is what you get back.
This article was well written an offers a candid view of what African men and frankly all men are interested in. For those of us women who were not born in the states and do not have the advantage of being viewed as an innocent, un-spoilt and virginal, and dont want to be used for sex, the best advice should be to avoid African men at all costs…given that they have no intention of marrying anyone other than a "greenhorn".
On the firt place i concord with your view that lots of marriages (inter-racial) going on is based on a purely crass ideology of escaping poverty. This is why it colapses as soon as it started.
The article addresses men's attitudes in isolation and does not address the environment within with these men function. There are a lot of women who import husbands into the diaspora too and their reasons are not disimilar to the men. Also morality is an issue. Us women should not have sex with many men in the community we will want to marry into. It does not work well in African settings.
Good write up, but over generalized !I agree though with the writer's point that the African men feel their African ladies in the diaspora are …..too westernized, too all knowing about class and financial structure, some are still great women that want to good wives and be loved !Dont forget i know the Nigerian adage goes like this , when a goat that doesnt eat yam hangs out with the goat that does eat yam, it learns toe at yam! some of the Naija Ladies out there in the U.S, UK or other parts of Europe are not eating yam! they are loyal, hard working, ready to settle down and be good wives!
Being a Nigerian Girl, Nigerian men are smart and most of them DO NOT SIT AND WAIT FOR THE WOMEN TO Go TO WORK AS NURSES OR WHATEVER AND PAY BILLS!!! They might have roving eyes but they stay married and are bread winners, except those gone bad from living in too long out there!
Personally, i want a man who loves me for me and of course i shall shower on him all my love, my attention and spoil him to bits! that is what love is about! We all must trust God to help us make the right decisions! So, if going home to marry an old flame, meeting a new green horn or marrying who we date where we earn a living or making a new life is what will make us happy fine, we must be realistic and weigh all the options and pray your decision is worth all the possible outcomes! Love is blind yes but infatuations do not last the tough times ahead in every marriage no matter how in love you are! So pray and think people bikoo! Stay blessed!
The essay is well writen but not very accurate. Nigerians are very spiritual people. Go to the old testament and you will see that Abraham insisted that his son must not marry any of the foreign women they have come acustomed to. Also it is said that some men marry people who remind them of their mothers. Also consider the fact that the guy might be marrying an old flame like I know some of my friends went back and did. In my case I am recently married and I saw my wife when I went to visit a an old friend. We dated briefly and I concluded she had all the qualities I desired, hence the rest is history. As a matter of fact all the women I dated in the states where Americans and 98% were white. Maybe I did not marry them due to cultural differences. While they might be great for attending the movies and such, who is going to cook amala or pounded yam for me. I dont want to never eat stock fish because it stinks up the house. Maybe this are some of the reasons I never married a white woman.
that was nice keep it up.
too generalistically negative
I totally agree with the writer of this article. Well thought out. I for one do not care whether i marry a naija man or not. I believe in having a connection with a man. Someone who knows what treating a woman right is all about. Some African men are full of crap…and they get just what they deserve by going home to marry these so called "greenhorns" or last 'Nigerian virgins'. Believe me, it's all a matter of time b/4 darkness turns to light. It's like these men go home to marry these women in hopes that they'll get a nursing job, work their butts off, and pay some of the bills if not most. I have been here almost a decade, now an american citizen, values still intact, still believe in coming home from work and going straight to the kitchen to prepare my hubby a delicious meal. I have not been washed over by the termed "women lib." bull. I still have the cultures imbibed in me from childhood and I will not loose it regardless of how long i live in the states. America does sth to you if you allow it. This is my opinion, you don't have to agree.
Thanks again for penning down this thought provoking article. It's been a long time coming!!!
All Nigerian men & women should read this article.
Great article! well done!
This is a true statement that was written in this article. I am in agreement with the outcome of this article.
This is an amazing conversation, Respect to all the Sisters and the Strong Men. I am a Nigerian woman and have lived in the United States for 11 years; I am on my way home this December to marry my high school sweetheart. That is who God wants for me; The guys have dated are what I want for me but not what God want for me; and I have learned my lessons.
Only God knows the end of it all….I am afraid just like every men who goes home to bring there partner but I am secure in God that if he changes when he gets to the US, it will only be for the best.
WOW! all I can say about the person who came up with the conversation……..and all that respond intelligently…
Very informative and interesting, since I am an American woman finding myself at the beginning of a relationship with a man from Kenya living in the U.S
That was excellent so true.I happens to most of the cultures who choose to bring a wife instead of marrying in the country that has taken them in.Theres two ways of looking at it the women of other cultures they meet can not understand the African culture or they theirs.So they think the best thing is to marry from their own culture but I have seen it too many times the wife comes all timid and expectant and before you know it they change and start to become like their counterparts.he reason is they have to adjust to a different climate culture etc and in the end they are out working hard same as their husbands.African men like the european woman even when theyre married they still follow them with their eyes and more if they can get away with it.The african woman is for the home and the other is for outside.Thus a lot of the marriages break down the man feels guilty and the woman feels cheated.
There are two types of African men..
(1) The primitive but educated
(2) The civilize
The primitive but educated ones will go home to get a woman,for any reason
The civilize ones,choose to be greatful to the woman of any culture.
I know of a Nigerian who played with many American women and droped them like trash.
He went back to Africa and brought a woman from his village.
Ten years later he lost his home to this African house wife…
Some African Men are little-minded and insensitive.
It just goes to show black men are never happy no matter where they come from!! And to the guy who said African women are better cooks and lovers, whatever. If they're so innocent how can they be better lovers. And you havne't tasted everyone's cooking..
This was a good article. I am a American black woman so I can somehow relate to this. No matter how you describe it, some people get married for the wrong reasons.
I think Nigerian men living in the west are at a crossroad with their culture and the culture they live in. I think we Nigerian men should be careful in making decisions on whom we get married to. A lot of us grew up in a male dominated family system where the husband is the only visible authority more or less a dictator, but times have changed especially among young Nigerian women. And any guy living here will be foolish to think otherwise. If any Nigerian man is heading home to marry with that Nigerian male dominant belief system, then that might end up being a calculated costly mistake. You only need to observe the on-going friction among most of our young couples living here to understand what i am talking about. If you are expecting from your Nigeran wife all that your mother did for your dad, then you need help real fast. All i can say is marry whom you have mutual respect, love and trust for each other. It does not matter her skin color, race or ethnicity, at the end of the day, it's your happiness that counts.
Having said that, guys, remember that the Nigerian woman has been pampered and spoiled by the same Nigerian men who always complain about them. Guys, we spend tons of money foolishly to impress this women, and when they finally get here, they always expect same treatment. Don't they?…but hell NO!, you want her to go get a job, and not only that you also demand for her to contribute financially to the upkeep of the house. RIGHT!!! Guys that's a huge conflict, and that's when they abandon you, becuase you know what, she never really had strong feelings for you, you guys never really spent enough time to bond with each other, she used you to get to the land of golden mountains. No she is not ready to slave for you………be careful guys, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
Excellently written, I have also wondered the same thing and I blame the women who follow them. A lot of them get to the States just to abandon the husbands. Who played who?
I am a professional hard-working honest loyal american white woman who is very in love with an African man living in the US. We have many of the same beliefs and values and really enjoy spending time with one another. After a year, he just broke it off because he said he would never consider marrying anyone white. This broke my heart on several different levels. I never thought that it was an issue, but it was. I was reading things on the web to see if I could understand the challenges that he is facing. It appers there is a lot of pressure to marry women from the same culture. My friends and family only care the person I marry has good character and a kind heart. It also appears some African women feel disregarded when they marry outside of the race. I feel disregarded because this is someone I love very much and it hurts and it is something I don't have control over. I am very happy with who I am where I am. That is a place everyone needs to work to be at. I really wish love could be more than all of this.
very ineresting
Why is this such an surprise or even an big deal? Afrikan men can marry "whomever" they want and if they traveled back to there native land to marry an Afrikan Sista so be it. I think that our Afrikan brothas travel back to marry Afrikan women because they have "Much More" in common than these "so-called "independent she-devils" in amerika (black,white whatever) who don't respect men because of this "womens lib/feminism" crap! Why are black amerikan women pissed off about Afrikan/Black amerikan men "marrying" other women in the 1st place? Is it because brothas are using their options 4 companionship with women abroad instead of with women (esp amerikan/western europe) who won't respect him in the long run and only sees him as an "sugar daddy" or an "walking atm machine with an penis?" You decide. Peace…Dr.T
I want to say a big thank you for the writeup. In fact, you have spoken just exactly what our women in this country go through….. I pray and hope a God fearing Naija will put those things you said into considering before choosing to come back home for marriage rather than marrying the Naija girls they have "spoilt" abroad. A big thank you once again. God bless.
Thanks for this marvelous and unbiased article
I have always loved Africa. I dreamed for years about going to home (Nigeria) to met my soul mate. Nigeria men, are strong, and take charge. I can only pray that I will be blessed to have a loving nigerian husband. Your artice was excellent. However, are you only talking about nigerian women, or can I be included as well.
Your article was right on point. I have observed these marriages as an attorney and they have been disastreous. I had guy dumped me becuase he said i was not rich and suffisticated enough for him. He also said he was a cultural man and i was not native enough. He ended up marrying a nollywood star, who acts in half porn movies. I can't wait to see how long that marriage would last. By the way he is an md.
What each one you fail to realize is that people are unique in their own way, and they will make their own decisons not matter what their culture. American women are not "liberated" they just dont accept everything that comes their way. Which is in fact a healthy way to live not matter who you are or what you represent. I am an American woman dating an Nigerian man. Of course we have our differences in what we believe, but not everyone is the same, and not everyone is going to think the same way. Marriage is the union of one male and one female. The female is to love honor and obey her husband. It has been that way for centuries and should still be that way. No matter who you marry. African women are every bit of value as American women. People are people, nothing more. But this article although not true for every African man, is very enightening.
Very nice.
I actually wrote you before I finished the article and wasn't able to say all I had planned because it was cut short my someone constantly IM me, but I must say…your article is right on the money. My husband came here to get rich, when he saw that wasn't going to happen overnight, he traded me for a woman he thought could give it to him; when she tried to put him in jail, he still dumped me for still a younder model and another race…all in the race for riches. My husband had no idea what true love is…and because he forged his life away to get here, he'll still never know because I've had enough and I'm seeing to it that they send him back. I was a truly good and christian wife and nothing I did was enough. I was good enough and smart enough to get him here, but now I'm not worth him even reading my email. He treats me like I'm dead. He doesn't deserve America and I didnt' deserve him!
My woman intuition tells me he is constantly lying
Thats a good backup plan to have. While they make their girlfriends here in America waste their time, that could be nicely spent with someone else that really seeks a future with us. MENTIROSOS
i have lived in Nigeria all my life for close to 25 years and i know its out of sheer stupidity and cowardice that a amn abroad will ask his relatives to find him a Made in Nigeria wife.
For sure, most of them get the worst girls because no right-thinking girl wants to marry a stranger.
i believe there are well amnnered Nigerian girls our naija brothers can date and marry abroad without mortgaging their happiness in the hands of total strangers. unless you had a relationship back home with someone, it makes no sense marring from here because i tell you most sisterwomen down here are crooks looking for 'jand' preys.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed
While there are some elements of fact contained in the article, there are also overglobalization or blanket judgement dumped on Africans who go home to marry. A fair minded reader will sympathize with the frustration of our wonderful ladies who fail to secure life partners while overseas, but that does not lend credence to the idea of dumping all men who go back to Africa to marry in one "garbage bin". In any society, there are as much unethical men as there are women. The writer commented on African men who frown at African women that hook up with Caucasian men. I hope the writer will be fair enough to admit that some African women go to the extent of pouring vitriolic comments about African men who take Caucasian women for life partners. It is wrong and unethical to critisize anybody's choice of life partner, for whatever reason. The writer also stated that a good proportion of "made in Africa" marriages split up. I wonder if marriage break-ups are more prevalent with "made in Africa" marriages than with made in US hook-ups. Where is the empirical data to back that assertion? Even the "best" statistics do not always tell the whole story. Statistics provide the user a multipath route to a predetermined destination. LET US LEAVE THE ISSUE OF MARRIAGE TO THE TWO PARTNERS INVOLVED AND HOPE THEY GO INTO MARRIAGE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.
Maxy
Well,after living in Gambia for 3 yrs im shocked!The men demand respect but i dont know for what?They dont do anything except run after woman.When they get to the bedroom they dont know what to do.They usually have a wife or three who put up with the nonsense because they get fed!Deep down they know what they married and just put up with it.So the next generation want out.Who can blame them.?I would.
Nice key subject. Very interesting with detailed analyses….
Well written,but you also need to understand that this is a different generation. There is too much civilisation nowadays. Its same everywhere now,regardless of whats going on I ll still respect our africa queens. You can never compare african women to american women. Our legal system its all messed up in nigeria. Here in america laws favor female, at least 80% of african women can do home cooking before thier husband gets back from WORK. Try that shit here in america and see what happens, you probably gonna be the last customer at the Mc donald's drive thru eating cold fries.
Men are going back to Africa to get married because most black ladies abroad are not fit for marriage. You all should go to afro-intro and see how many white male want to marry from Africa.With the internet, you, are in for a terrible time.
Nigerian females here in the U.S. are not as bad as most Nigerian men think. We are respectable and genuine. We haven't forgotten where we come from and if the men weren't so afraid to approach us, they might actually have a chance to see that. And as for those who think that African-American girls are not the best, shouldn't love come before discrimination?
this article is well written and is obviously written by someone who has the good sense to look into this issue properly as it is a cause for concern. as a nigerian girl who is based in london i am often not taken seriously as a companion for a nigerian man this has caused me a lot of distress as i lost a lot of self esteem over this problem.with this article i have realise that it is not my fault that nigerian men behave this way. thank you!!
Every thing you have written is the truth, i had a child by a nigerian and he use the culture thing with me 15yrs. ago about us having the child out of wedlock just to get rid of the baby i was carring but i pray about and kept the baby. But every since i made that decision he has put me through a lot and is in and out of his son life when he gets mad with me. Now he's married to a nigerian women from here and have two children by her and treat her better than me . He put me down in front of her to make it look like he hate me so bad, today is Mothers Day he did not call to say Happy Mothers Day thats okay our son gave the best gift there is he is doing great in school, and respectful. Today he gave me a rose and balloons that was so sweet.
Louisa, well said.
This is part of the black culture. Black people (Blk Americans, Haitians, Jamaicans, and Africans,) are unaccustomed to having things so when we get it we have to run back to our familiar surroundings and flaunt. Yes, this applies with women too.
U need to tell this to all d brothers in UK 2. Keep it going!
A thought provoking and well written article. Nevertheless, The author overgeneralized in a few areas. It is my position that people do things for different reasons. Therefore, we need to tap on the brakes before making general assumptions. The following is my personal experience:
I am an African married to an African-American woman (10 years and counting…)For me, it is not about marrying an African or not. All I wanted was compatibility and happiness with my spouse regardless of origin. I am forever grateful for that decision and for having a supporting family back in Africa. I really believe that it boils down to the individual and a matter of personal choice. Simply put; there are great African women, great African-American women, great Island women etc…and of course the opposites. One has has to find his or her soulmate….believe me, he or she is out there…
Peace…
The truth is that marriage is a very serious issue.most people go home to marry because they have already had an existing relationship there.Is it fair to abandon your former fiancee or girlfriend simply because you have to marry the Nigerian ladies here is the USA?
People have different reasons for being in the US, and i know so many nigerian ladies who are not even so excited coming over here when they get married to Nigerian men residing here.A friend of mine had to relocate back home to continue with his medical practice after his residency because his wife was not too interested in "seeing just money here and not having a family life".
The lesson is that the Nigerian ladies here should not blame the men for their frustrations, and vice versa.If you feel that you wont be able to marry here in the states, stay at home and marry and raise your family.There are so many people living very well at home and making money.
My last word is that marriage is something personal and it's very unfair to ask anyone why he or she wants to go home and marry.I am presently in the states and as soon as i am through with my medical residency, i am going home to work and raise my kids there, and if they feel they want to comeback to this crazy place, they can do that.
Good luck to all those single ladies waiting for "mr right" to come their way.
As a good- moral-attractive-educated American women. l wish that my ex- boyfriend had not wasted my time for years… Prior to returning home for his arranged marriage -that was not fair. l would have offered him a devoted- loving -smart wife…This is the issue..the wasting of the American women's time-life and love!
It may be just because of the culture differences.
Some of the comments on this posted are lude and hurtful. I personally feel that there is nothing wrong with marrying someone in your homeland. However, in response to the number 15 comment about not having a good enough reason to marry otherwise is ludacris! I am an African American female and I resent what you are saying! African American women are just as strong and proud as African women. We are strong enough to have a career and yet take care of home. We are beautiful, well spoken and very hosptable. So to say that we are anything less than wonderful is stupid. Maybe its beacuse we aren't submissive and your personal slaves. How about just loving somebody. Marriage should be based on love. Marriages that are social arrangements and things like it open the flood gates to abuse. People tend t abuse things they don't want. Its foolish to put one's culture or women above someone elses because the standards differ.
It was very informative and well written.
Hmmm, I rather try the angel I don't know, who knows I might be lucky. Its 50-50, than go for an already known devil…hmm..hmm…thats already a lost battle.
Many of the points raised in the article are correct.Unfortunately,it ignored many realities.For example,the benefits of marrying from one's cultural background were ignored.Africans in Africa hardly "smell the roses….", and many African couples in the USA are able to live together happily despite the hectic nature of the society.African women are not "cajoled or tricked" into the nursing …profession:they realistically accept the fact that that is the profession where most opportunities for employment of immigrants exist, and where they suffer the least discrimination.I can go on and on to refute most of the ideas in the article!
Is it true? They said that the devil u know is better than the angel u don't know.
I have been dating an african man for two years. I am a white american women. You nailed it on the head! I tried to explain this to my "boyfriend", but he has an answer for everything.(or so he thinks) I see so many similarities in what you described. Thank you for validating my feelings exactly. If my boyfriend doesn't want to further the relationship MOVE ON! I am not mad at him, just leave me alone. That is the only part I don't understand-why won't he just move on. There are plenty of other women in America who might fall for his bullshi_, but not me. If american women are so bad compared to african women then he should be running away as fast as he can!
most men who go back home to marry basically want to share their lives with someone from their own culture or background.not to put down some of our african sisters in the u.s.,but most african men believe some of our girls who've been here for a while tend to adopt the typical american woman's idealogy of women's liberation and independence and some of them usually take it too far by putting themselves on a pedestal or setting very high standards for a potential or future mate,assumption being that now she's in america,she's worth or deserves a lot more!!some others just plain act like they are too americanized to settle down with an african man and so the african man has no choice to go home and try his luck.there are still decent,educated,mature african girls here in the u.s.who would'nt mind sharing their lives with an african man,which would be possible if they would give him the chance!!!
Been there, done that, got a t-shirt. And i thank god that he allowed me the chance to "come out of it!" god bless every woman who ever has to or ever had to endure such sorrow. Know that if you trust god to bring you out, he will. And know that you are uniquely gifted and handcrafted in the purpose and plan of god. Move on with your life, because it is very short. So why would you want to live a short, miserable life when it could be the opposite?
Take care and remember that god loves you ssssssssooooooo much!
well you should have considered the fact that african men too look for the same opportunities that african women look for, i mean when you talk about getting witty about life in the western world , america in paticular, men too go through the same crisis of beign legal so dont they marry women with the right identity so that they can get out of their crisis the bottom line africa was exploited long ago before we were born and now these are the ways we can get out of the rut some white dudes put us into
Why Do African Men Go Home to Marry?
Be careful of going home to import a green snake in the green grass.
African women once in the West are as bad as those already in the west.
its just a matter of time before the once docile jjc african woman calls the cops to come and throw you out of your own house in front of your own kids after a minor dispute.
Thank you for writing this article, this nice Nigerian woman was working brain surgery on me to get me to beleive she really loved me and wanted to have children with me. We had a online relationship but
she was working to fast for me. This article informed me on what thies Nigerian woman are really doing to african american men in the States.
Where are the good and single Nigerian men hiding?
Sad, but apparently true.
Whether she wakes up or not, the African womans marriage still outlasts all the marriages of you so-called liberated women here in the west. You all get divorced and grow old to die alone, while the African woman is surrounded by her family at her deathbed. And yet you want her to become like you allas if there is anything positive about your so-called enlightened life in the West. Hogwash.
I'm a black american woman and i am so happy to here the truth be told. I have dated african men from kenya and nigeria and they both have read your articles the guy from kenya just laugh because he feels hes not one of theses men(hes fooling himself)the one from nigeria says that its very true for some africans but not him (i just laughed at him because some of the very things you have talked about i have seen in him)but as god is my witness im not making any promises to anyone im just watching very closely and enjoying the funny looks on there faces when we talk about your articles.i feel really sad for the african woman because she really needs to wake up and smell the mocha!
A man can marry whom ever he wants. Nigerian women in the US do not have an entitlement to marry Nigerian men, and do not give many Nigerian men a reason to marry them. If a Nigerian woman embrases the feminism of the US, she is no different than the "independent" "strong" and "self sufficient" other women of the US. Nigerian men should let them be as "independent" "strong" and "self sufficient" as they say they are, and not marry them. And to all the women who say things like, "whatever," "I'm not puttin up with that," or "I'll set that man straight," I say fine… Enjoy the rest of your lonely life.
The women rarely go back home to look for men to marry coz they are comfortable with who they are.On the other hand the men feel inferior marrying educated Nigerian gals who want to be seen as their equal!This is all about the Mens supersized egos.
tell them brother
This is so true
Tell me the why a man that have lived in Oversea for almost 2oyears should go home to get married to someone that he barely knows well.Most of these men wait till they are in their late 30's or early forties before they think about settling down and when they do they tend to look for someone that they are 12-15 yrs older downwhich isn't fair at all and u know here in America young people don't mess with that before a lady make up her mind to marry such a guy she must have found out ths guy is a BALLER and since majority of these guys are not ballers we a'int finny marry y'all so they interpret it as not being respectable and who cares about that!!!!! so It's really really crazy that people after dating the women in the USA will end up going back home to get married to their unknown victims. Most of the men that indulge in this acts are mainly people of low class incomeinstead of them getting their own professional well paying degrees they turned to going back home to get married to a nurse or doctor lady who he will then bring over to die at work. And unlucky for most of them these days the ladies are smart and when they figure out what's going on they back off the relation and most of them that actually stayed back do so with lots of argument. I believe in the fact that one should marry someone you actually feel and loved.Another reason why most of this men run back home to marry is that they have so much ego and they do not want to stoop low for any reasonand since the girls over here are reasonable enough not to take their crap they then turn over to going back home where they can buy a woman that is capable of kissing his ass!!!! so next time you checked out a guy going back home u are gonna see that either he is too picky or selfish or a low income earner!!!!!!!!!!
It has discussed the most important points in the marriages between diaspora African men and the home girls. It has shown that the idea of ideal home girls is an illusion.
True observation. One question though is the author married if so did he go home to get married
I am a young Nigerian-American woman and I've often pondered the tagline of this article many times. I'm delighted to read such an honest account of this situation. It's about time we wake up and realize the world that we live in. Marriage is of course a union of two people and two families as the author noted. It's also to be based on love trust and respect (a plethora of other factors are involved but in my opnion these are the most essential). Men take time to ask yourself if you fall into any of the aforementioned catagories. If you do REPENT OH! Marital bliss doesn't lie in tyranny. First it comes from God and then it's exhibited in mutual respect and honesty. Thank you for such a delightful article! I'm looking forward to many more! "EEstherella"
because to me all women are the same the only difference is our thinking capacity is not the same and some women needs advice because to me no man will play with me and domp me and go home to married another woman.
marriage is no joke.It is a pity our men let themselves be manipulated by relatives in Nigeria to marry strangers.
what a big shamehow unmasculine
Watch me I am going home to get married and raise my kids there to imbibe the culture and tradition then they can by choice move to America (don't worry cos kids born to an Amerian citizen where ever are American citizens). If my wife pushes me that we should move to America I will then know that she wanted to marry America not me.
Anyway if you have a family member in America today your family is likely to afford three sqaure meals at home more comfortably than those with no family members in the USA hence it is ok to bring more and more people to America regardless.According to comment 10 it seems women are more selfish than men in bringing people to America. I know a friend who brought a wife she divorced him he went and bring another one who also divorced him he went for a third who is like an angel from heaven and they are very happy with lots of kids. Though this may sound cracy the other two families have benefitted from the whole saga and that may mean a lot.
This is one issue that really needs to be addressedin America and Europe you see a lot of our Men dating our girls for money but when its time to get married they go back homeforgeting that these girls have feelings.
The article presents information about African men that I am not famaliar with. I thank you for the information. I sense the author is suggesting that have unrealistic expectations about relationships and are perhaps no different than African-American men.
Interesting Sabella! Pretty good article. Comment 2 is rather funny. I cannot say that African or African American women are smarter. That's a case by case scenario….ha ha
mrskenna
The writer has pretty much covered all the grounds concerning this topic. I have often wondered what kind of men go to Nigeria to marry women they barely know when there are single Nigerian women in the U.S they can cultivate serious relationships with and eventually marry. Most of the men I know who went home to marry have repeatedly expressed their regrets at having done so and a number of them are divorced now. Saddly enough it's not uncommon for some of these men to try to get back with their previous girlfriends but most times it's too late and the female in question has moved on…
Picture this the last time I attended one of those 'welome' parties some of the guests were taking bets on how long that marriage would last. A word is enough for the wise look hard before you leap!
Give us reasons why we should marry the ladies here.
I couldnt have said it any better and it goes to the Nigerian men in Europe too…
Dear sabella i have been reading your articles and they usually give me something to think about well argumentated regarding men going home to marry should not be generalised it could be one or two reasons old girl friends promised relationships for worse then and now for better etc.
Its a very interesting articlemy concern is the growing manner our girls back home are getting desperate to come to America they even use blackmail and ''ARRANGED'' marriages and even JUJU Embassies now thoroughly screen supposed married couples and even save some people from Fraudulent claims and Marriages contracted in Nigeria worse still when some of these girls get over here they go wild and men you dont want to immagine what they do its terrible amazing that the Pride innocence we had has become a cultural Illussion Like i would warn Man know thy self
Well written. Coming from an African male this article has credibility. If a woman had written this she would be considered a frustrated old maid. As number 2 said "this country does things to people." Nigerian women here are afraid to go home and marry because they might end up marrying a man that used them for immigration purposes. So I guess the women have more character by staying true to themselves as strong independent women that don't need anyone to validate them as human beings. Let the men go home to marry. The good women they leave here will only be married to other men who see them for who they really are.
This writer told the story well. I agree with everything that has been said and it is not over baise. I wish more Nigerian men would read this and think about it.
This is wonderful at least we do noe why all those Africans in S'pore never stop cheating lying their girlfriends or wives. There's always something up their sleeves. So its best more of this notes to be up for infos. Thanks dude..
GBAM!!!THESE ARE QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO BE ANSWERED TRUTHFULLY BY THE AFRICAN MEN OVERSEAS.I WOULD HAVE GLADLY SUPPLIED AN ANSWER BUT AM A WOMAN WHO WON'T TAKE B.S FROM ANY MANAFRICAN OR OTHERWISE!
Unlike our Nigerians in America majority of the nigerian girls in Europe work as prostitute.though they give help to very many nigerian boys that dosn't work it like this girls dont inspire enough confidence as to be married to by our nigeria boys.
many of them has paid the prize and are capable to build a rersponsible home.
I strongly belive that our boys should be strongly encouraged to marry the girls they loved and especially nigerians
I am of the opinion that the prejuicios use to discriminate our Europe or America based girls is out-dated and unjust.
Most of our men need to change from the supasticious beleive and marry to whome they love nomatter where they find the love.
It is inept to attribute a universal motive to every African man who goes home to marry. People do things for different reasons. I find it ridiculous to believe that all these men went back home to marry just to be able to lord it over their so called "greenhorn" wives.
Marrying from the same country the same tribe and a woman who respect African culture is a sure way of training your children about where you come from. We have many confused kids in America already who can neither identify themselves with African American community and Nigerian community.They can not speak the language of their parents and can not even speak the English language fluently. Confused kid- result of marrying in America. Father speaks Igbo mother speaks Yoruba. Hm…
who wouldnet marry 4rom the same country in which there will be a better understanding
This is a well written well thought up essay. I couldnt have said it better. You forgot to mention though that African women are smarter better cooks better lovers and better behaved (seriously) than African Americans or Africans who've lived here for more than 10 years. It is a fact- this country does something to people 🙁
Nice writeup but why aren't you married to one
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