Who Will I Marry: Environment For A Successful Marriage

Please note that the letter below is in response to a request by a dear sister who had asked for my counsel in helping her choose whom she’ll marry out of two men that had proposed to her.
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Dearie Aburo,

Thanks for your mail and the question you had asked…but I keep wondering when I’ll ‘quit’ relationship counselling in that I aint married as yet and am having to do all this by default even when I would like to live my life quietly and savour the riches of being on my own and enjoying my own company. I try to keep off from giving counsel about relationships and marriage cos I aint even engaged let alone married, but the reality is such that friends ( married/single) keep approaching me for counsel in these areas. I have seen myself helping friends to resolve relationship/marriage problems that my friends have had with their spouses at one time or the other…and to my joy, things changed and it still amazes me. Two weeks back, a female colleague came to my desk holding back tears…she narrated how her hubby who used to dote on her had started receeding and withdrawing from her. And in her frantic efforts to win him over, she ended up sending him further away….that he got consumed in watching football on TV and playing computer games even in the toilet…and she’s hurting badly. Somehow, I gave her some nuggets on how she can get back his attention….by taking interest in what he does…playing computer games! That in doing that which she didnt naturally like doing, she would at least be around him while he plays…then she can chip in a word or two…and she can take time and learn how to play the game by herself, and look out for the latest play station and get one as gift for him. I assured her that if she can do that…she would at least chat with him while the games are on…and in doing that will keep him company and with time, the game will receed to the fringes of his heart and she’ll take her rightful place. Not long after, she almost shed tears after reading an email her hubby sent to her..cos he started treasuring her company again…

So as I try as hard to run away and live a quiet life removed from others, people like you ( yes…you that is in Toronto and looking at me with korokoro eyes ) wont let me be. Yesterday, it dawned on me that I can’t run away from this my calling and vocation. It seems God configured me to live for others and be a part of their growth process which comes thro challenges and trials, and moments of decision making esp in issues that impact on life’s destiny.

I was in Lag last weekend and I had to spend long hours counselling a young undergrad at Uniport who’s seen me as a mentor and wont let me alone. But one thing that amazes me is that each time a demand is placed upon me to help someone do some stuff, the kind of ideas tat flow makes me wonder where they’re coming from…I need not bug you with all d details…but am coming to the stage where I really have realised that meaning and my fulfilment in life comes from my engagement in the lives of people God has one way or the other linked me up with, and ducking or stowing away aint gonna still rescue me.

Last night at home I did some thinking, after I visited with a friend who’s planning to marry her ex- this July, after he ‘dumped’ her a few years back. When I talked with her, I realised it was a tough thing for her cos he’s been her 1st and only guy and I deeply, sensed she could’ve loved to be with someone else but somehow, her heart had long been bonded to his and she’s taking a leap of faith cos she’s aware of some of his -ve tendencies and personality traits and, I had cautiously and consciously did my best to not interfere with her decision…I only made a point months back when she asked my advise…” That she knows the guy better cos we aint friends, but that she should ascertain why the come back, and how he can convince her that he wont leave her again..”

So last night while I thought about what to tell you in response to your emails, I decided to consult a mentor whose books and tapes had sharpened my thinking considerably. He’s called Dr Myles Monroe, a citizen of Bahamas and well respected pastor, technocrat, and leadership expert. He once preached a message in Lagos in 2001 that he termed : Environment for Family Success and I would share some of his original thots which I have adapted and mixed with mine…so I don’t take credit for all of this!

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He said that for anyone to get anything right, one needs to go back to the ORIGINAL design and plan. You wanna get marriage right, go back to Genesis where it all begun and soak in the spiritual principles and unchangeable values that God had started man out with…cos when Jesus was asked if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife, he didn’t say it was ok b/c Moses gave ground for it….infidelity ! But to Jesus, there’s really no grounds for divorce if one from the outset follows the divine template because in His words…” In the beginning it was not so…”

In essence, the issue is not about who to just marry but what foundation is the marriage founded on and what materials is it to be built with. In proverbs, we’re counselled that one needs wisdom to build a house, and understanding to do the interior decor etc to make it become a home and u sure know the difference b/w a house and a home. This was brought home to me in 1997 when I was in Enugu….had joined two friends ( from Intercessors for Nigeria) to go pray for a lady at the instance of her Godly mother-inlaw who wanted to get her son back to the wife. Now he’s doing well professionally as well as her , and had a big house in the big boys zone in Enugu…but they’ve never enjoyed their marriage/wedding. The babe fine no be small and had a cute 9yrs old son….but when we complimented her on the beautiful house she lived in, she quipped…” I would rather have a home than a house ” cos her hubby had literally stayed out of home and that’s why they had just a 9yrs old boy only! They were neither divorced yet not separated in the real sense but he absconds from his house….what a tragedy!

So when Jesus tells us that in the beginning it’s not so, it means we have to take all the caution to ensure that the beginning is right so we can reach the end of the race well, and not just ’till death do us part” but we’re to also ‘enjoy the ride and cruise home with joy and mirth and not sorrow and pain”…so if you take conscientious efforts to screen the guys that have gained access to your heart ( remember that the bible asks us to guard our hearts with all diligence cos the choices we make most times determine our experiences in life). When John admonishes christians to ‘test all spirits and know if they’re of God, he is speaking as an elder who’s been around Jesus long enough to have had deposits of Jesus’ wisdom in him. So don’t shrug or twitch if it appears that you’re thoroughly scruitnizing guys that come your way cos the exit way for marriage is not divorce but death in the real sense, and a good start ensures that…cos even after a divorce, a woman/man is never herself/himself again. Honestly, I have met a couple of women who’d broken marriages and from interacting with them, I have come to reckon that somehow b4 they got married, they had for some reason; had brushed aside that deep seated feeling of u

neasiness and perturbation that something aint right about the choice they were making etc….and that makes them sad and broken when things pack up in divorce or separation.

Now let’s get back to the Garden of Eden and check out Adam and you’ll find out certain features that characterized his life. And these are features that will guide you in making the right choice cos truth is, two good and nice people may be wrong for each other, yet it doesn’t negate that they’re good and virtuous…but were mismatched hence aint configured to fit each other. I’ll take time and expand on this…and please pay attention to the subheadings below to help you know what kind of man you’d say yes to his proposal to marry you…:

1.Does he Love God and Pursue His Presence

So the guy whom you’ll happily live with gotta be someone who loves God, and fears Him. One thing is to love God, and another is fearing him cos we can love God yet live in sin, cos we have this warped mindset that tells us he’ll always forgive but we forget that every misdeed has its inevitable consequences .But someone who fears God in addition will know that God is also a consuming fire and a righteous God; such that he allows us to face the consequences of our actions long after he’s forgiven us. If Adam had known, he might not have disregarded God’s instructions to not take the fruit. If David had known that his fling with Bethsheba would wreck his family, he would’ve held back those streams of passion that welled up within when he saw the sculpted body of a woman having her showers! Did you realise that his own son raped his step-sister and disvirgined her and didn’t care a hoot, and that led to more chaos and bloodshed in David’s house…his son also slept with his wives and concubines despite his deep love and passion for God’s presence…!!?

So the first thing you need to check is…does the prospective guy love, fear, and respect God’s laws and principles. I didnt say….is he ‘religious and pious? In essence, has the guy got a personal relationship and encounter with God? Does he give thot to God’s perspective when making decisions…and what are his philosophies and views in life…and do such stem from the biblical mindset? Cos the world would say ‘men are polygamous in nature’ to excuse our sexual indiscretions and all but the bible yet emphasizes that ‘we shall not be controlled by our unsubdued desires and propensities” and from experience and study of the lives of great men that impacted the world spiritually, it’s only in God’s presence that a man’s wild nature and debased is tamed. I am a man, and know this to be true cos I have been amazed at what my mind had imagined to do at times, and if not for God, i could’ve also been a playboy cos it’s so easy to be one…and don’t gloss over it my dear. God’s presence loosens and softens us…and helps us put our raging passions under the power of God!