Who Will I Marry: Environment For A Successful Marriage

A hot tempered man may love his wife, but that wont stop him from punching her when the chips are down and he’d sure regret it when he calms down…” oh baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you..” but he can only deal with the wild beast in him not by self control and discipline alone but by the pruning work that the Holy Spirit does when a man lingers in God’s presence. Moses was said to be the meekest man on earth…cos no man had spent as much as 40days of undiluted and uninterrupted encounter in God’s presence like him…and if Saul never had an encounter with Jesus’ presence, the transformation from Saul to Paul ;the Apostle wouldn’t have happened!

I step aside…and let’s go on…..

2. Does the guy love God’s Word

What shapes the guy’s thots….what books does he read…and ask what is the only and most important book and music/video Cd he would carry with him if he were to be incarcerated in a lonely island…and that’ll tell you what his philosophies are….a secular and post-modernism mindset would sure make a man rationalize his excesses. But if a man is committed to reading and studying God’s word…his thots and ways would be in sync with what he’s been reading…and what he reads, watches and thinks about would determine his character cos as a man thinketh, so is he the bible tells us. This is important from the standpoint of the ‘headship’ of the home cos a man is to give leadership…not thro management theories and practises but ‘leadership thro example’ in the steps of ” Jesus who loved the church( his bride) and gave his life for her”…and he instructed his bride ‘ by the washing of the water by the WORD”. He knew God’s word, and thot his bride same word, and used the word to challenge the status quo and prevalent thots (sociopolitical, economic, religious etc) of his time, and when he faced temptations, challenges and trials, he never blew his cool or flunk because he was a Man of the WORD

3. Does he WORK…and what are His visions, goals and dreams ?

Remember, Adam was commissioned by God to tend the garden of Eden…but before then …he was given his life’s goal by God. His calling was to ” increase, multiply ,replenish and subdue the earth” and that command gave him a sense of purpose such that he didn’t just get a career by tending the plants in the garden, or making the animals fat. So ask the guy what is his calling, vocation and destination in life. Is it removed from God?. Is he content with just having a career cos getting to the peak of one’s career doesn’t bring fulfilment for anyone…except if one has impacted humanity positively, and bettered the lots of others cos ‘ our fulfilment comes from doing what God has designed us to BE not just in the doing but in discovering the essence of our existence. Is he pursuing career at all cost and at the expense of family and friends? What does his work colleagues and friends say about him…?

4. Can he Protect and Cherish you?

A man’s muscle fibres hypertrophies as he exercies and works…and he gains in strength and stamina. It makes one feel like a man and when a guy works out, and acquire bulging muscles, he feels cool and in charge. And how women trip for this cos it was meant to be so. As an undergrad in Medischool in Bayero Univ kano, I was close to some military cadets in my NIFES Fellowship during easter conference ;and i saw that girls just liked them…guess why? b/cs a woman loves to be around a man whom she knows would protect her from other guys. Besides physical protection, it’s a man’s duty to shield a woman from other types of dangers and in doing so, ensure that her needs are met accordingly…emotional, sexual, financial,…and other legitimate needs. This is where LOVE comes in…this is where romance has it’s place but realise also that this didn’t come first…rather it trails Loving God, Pursuing his presence, and knowing and applying God’s word. If a man takes care of the first conditions, romance would be sure to fulfil its place and not the converse. Hence, love alone my dear aint enough but yet critical. A passionate and romantic man wont know discretion if he doesn’t submit his passions to God. Loving God and pursuing his presence helps a man ‘dam ( not damn for your info) his passions’….and if the restrain that God provides is laid aside, a man becomes a play boy thus proving the erroneous view that men are polygamous in nature cos we sure can easily be distracted….and allowing romantic attraction to come first is akin to putting the cart b4 the horse cos the cart is good, but it’s to be guarded, directed, and guided and given purpose by the horse…the powerhouse and in our context, Love for God, and the fear of Him.

Finally….

5. Can the guy CULTIVATE you?

From my own personal experience and study of human behaviour ( am not a trained psychologist or counsellor) and interactions with women over time, I have come to the conclusion that a woman to a large extent reflects or models her experiences with men that she has interacted deeply with in her life .Her character, motivation and outlook in life is so much influenced by the men in her life…father, brothers, and more importantly for older girls…boyfriends, and then spouses for the married or engaged ones. Show me a confident woman who’s well adjusted and I’d most likely see it in how her Father and Brothers or Uncles treat her at home. Show me a bitter and insecure woman and I’d point to some man she had loved, and who had mistreated ,disrespected or disappointed her. Show me a woman who’s afraid to trust or let men into her heart and I’d trace a man who’d dumped her after she’s given her best and all, or you’d see an older woman in her life ( mom, aunt, sister, friend or colleague) who’s had it rough with men and had told her to be wary of trusting men. Tell me a woman who’s indifferent about marriage yet desirous of settling down…and you’d see one man that had waltzed in and out of her life sometime in her past. This may be too much of an extrapolation but I think you’d agree with me in some sense if you look inwards at your own personal experiences, and those of significant others around you.

Point made…but what does it mean to till and cultivate a woman you’d ask me? This is no small job cos cultivating and tilling are no mean stuff. I grew up in the village and rainy seasons were not the best of seasons. It’s the time for ‘clearing the bush, burning the debris and rubbish in the farms’…then when the 1st rain hits the soil, mama would pick up her hoe and head for our numerous farms. I had my own hoe and we toiled together…and so did other families. We tilled…wishing all the soil were as soft as sandy soil…nay, some were hard due to the weed and shrubs that stuck in there. But as you tilled, the soil softens and then you can SOW SEEDS , and watch them grow…and if it’s something like yam, you gotta stake them and guide them as they grow….and you don’t stop there, you also weed the farms as time grows to ensure that the choice seed so planted wont be snuffed out…and you lose out eventually despite all the toil. But when all the labour of cultivating is over…HARVEST comes and that’s what we all desire and deserve…but it’s sheer WORK to say the least!

The man who can cultivate you would have to help you discover who you really are…he feeds your potential, he builds your confidence, and makes you a real woman. He aint threatened by your giftings cos he’s at his place of calling. He mentors, pastors, and enlarges you. He assesses your growth needs and gets the right manure to apply. When you fret and feel insecure, he understands and gets to the root of the

matter. If you’ve a calling to be a career woman, he doesn’t feel you’d surpass his accomplishments but would be your sure prop and cheer leader. Even when you don’t think you can be someone important, he nudges and pushes you tenderly, mixed with firmness till you come to accept you can be what God wanted you to be….I’d give you some examples:

1.Dr Dora Akunyili

Her hubby is a quiet doctor somewhere in Enugu but in her speeches, she speaks about his impact on her life. She’s celebrated today…but it started when the man released her to be what God wanted her to be..

2. Dr Oby Ezekwesili

Though Dr Ngozi Iweala made waves as a minister, no other woman is respected in Nigeria like “Madam Due Process” who handled three different portfolios: Budget office, Ministry of Solid Minerals, and Education b4 World Bank begged her to become Vice president for Africa. My pastor and mentor, Tony Rapu was her pastor years ago when she was a worker in church and I have listened to her talk about her hubby. She said all she’s today is a result of her hubby’s influence on her. He saw her potentials and began the cultivation process. He is a business man, but he made her go to Harvard to build her capacity and today…she’s known while her hubby cherishes his own ‘obscurity’ without feeling threatened!