Views from the Latrine

na you dey noc. ah dey com. na waya oh! des world na ril wa! na so ah siddon on top latrin dis moring wey ma mind begin waka. ah no dey like mak ma mind waka wen ah wan shit. ah dey like mak ah jus shit go. as we dey for des our face mi ah face u, ah jus wan use latrin commot before baba modinat cari im wahala for latrin dis morin. ah, you no like as ah dey tak of shit. ah see una. pele, do — ye,ye, wo-wo! ah see una, oh. as u squis face dey do like person wey e shit no dey smell. abeg, comot for road. u tink say because u dey go cari water boy go latrin, ah no no say u sef dey shit? say, ur shit dey smell. na u get ur face so fit squis am! mak ah nack ma tori finis abeg from wen ah siddon on top latrin. you no dat kin’ shit wey no dey wan commot for bodi. u no di kain shit wey de go begin tun ur belle and ur belle go begin ansa like generator wey one kpafuka. na im catch mi. as ah dey dere dey tink sey wetin ah chop wey fit do dis kain tin for ely mo-mo, na so ma min just cari go begin waka. wetin person one do? she ah no die? na only to say ah dey dance palongo onto top latrin, e good now. as we dey say for yonda, man no die, man no rotten. in fact, u sef go see sey di kind tin wey ma mind dey tink, na only shit tori as baba 70 dey tak.

u see obj abi u no see am? be like say obj don chop ajesara, oh. be like say im don drink alabukun – im ah com clia dey do pako-pako cash anebodi wey do di one wey pas am. abi una no hear as im commot im minista? im fos commot man pickin. before woman pickin go talk so ekwo..! im don commot womon. na madam dash dem oh. u too wayo. u too wayo, abeg. na so u dey look mi like say una no no madam dash dem. abi e don dash u sef somtin? ah dey look u say ur ah one fresh one kin’. ok, mak ah hep u smol. na im dey do pickin – osomo. a beg ah no no say u jus lan’ for lagos. dat yoruba pas u. dem tok say madam dash dem call all im pepul begin dash dem our papa and mama house. ehen! u tink say because ah siddon on top latrin dey yarn, ma papa and mama no get house. ah go swear for u oh! see as ur head dey like bodi of molue wey carry overlod!. we get propatee, now. we sef get but na condison mak krafish ben. ma papa dey hala, ma mama too dey too yawa. so as to no cut for for now, no so ah siddon on top latrin dey do like person wey no get anitin. so e get as di propatee be sha. mak u leave dat siad. be like say osomo wan settle obj. na so she fes commot 8 houses wey dey obodo ikoyi, carry give aponlepore im broda and dem wife. as ah hear am so, ah come begin roll for grond. say mak God carri mi. mak im jus take mi dey go now. how one family go carri 8 houses for we propatee siddon on top. and na big,big broda she get oh. no so, so dr, dis and dr. dat. if dr wan siddon for we propatee, wetin common man pickin wan do. so if na apolepore broda nko? mi sef ah no get broda. ah get broda wey e stan wel, wel like man now.

ah shout for ma mind so tey no bodi see mi. weda na goat oh, weda na dog dey shout oh. sho!!! no bi di strenth wey a take begin roll a take stop dust bodi. oly ah no fit to stand because di shit still dey ma bodi. u dey laf. e neva commot and ma belle still dey waya like say fra and joni kokran meet demsef for yonda begin fight dere. mak ah dey nack di tori go. madam dash dem commot house so tey, she even resh aunti dora. she say mak onkle charles come take but im talk say biko, mak ah give soludomacin injection fes. madam dash dem no dey tire oh, she share dis our propatee resch well well. even emeka, fine boy no peemples, im sef get one. u tink say na fine e go chop? abeg. ah hear dat e talk say if im wife no fit get visa go obodo america, she stil fit do yanga if she put bodi for fine house in ikoyi. abi u no see? even dat our broda, ah don forget im name now. wait, wait, be like say des shit wan commot. ooooooooooooooooooooonmph. ah, e no commot, ah no no wetin ah chop oh! Osanobua, save mi. ehen, our broda donald. na who talk donald duck now? if una no wan hear tori dey go. ah say our broda u say donald duck. duck ko, disney ni! sho! ehen donald wey dey play guitar. ehm. dey look like say na buta em don dey chop from di wey e commot from im mama bele, like say e neva chop akpu widout. ehn, dat one wey e wife lepa like dis. ehem, ah no say na to of dem get lepa wife. why u dey look anoda man wife sef. sha, no be buky, omoloye. no, no, no, oh. be like say she give bukky too. en, di to of dem. emm! dem, get house from madam dash dem. to cut di tori sha, no obj come hearam. ah no no weda na as ah cry on top latrin say mak dem see how dem dey share we propatee. but obj hear. im fes fire one leta to madam dash dem. before person fit say otoromape, na so im folo di leta wit sak. dem talk say dash dem (a beg she no be ma madam) come begin cry wan korokoro cry say na she and dem dey share we propatee oh. say no be only her. say na people beg her say dis, dat. mi ah no no. di tin wey ah no be say na we propatee. if we wan sell am, no be as dash dem take do am. na waya.

but dis our obj na cuni man! na cuni man. cuni man die, cuni man bury am! abeg. as im commot dash dem ehm. eemmmpphhhhhh! mph, mph. dis shit, dis shit. na one small one commot now as ah bin say obj commot dash dem. de shit be like tori of poor man. as use all ma strenth to commot di shit, wey na small shit – look am, now. look how e small. na so poor man dey waka from moring till night so tey, school fees dey – e no fit pay. rent dey, e no fit pay. madam get belle – e no fit pay. food nko – e no fit buy. but na so so waka, waka, waka from moring to night oh! God dey na di song of poor man. anyway, mak ah dey nack di tori go. ah say obj bi wayo. as he commot dash dem, e call broda seye say mak e tanda put eye for we propatee until im find person we go do dash dem work. wen ah hear am, ah wan cry. ah not fit. ah wan die, ah no fit. ah jus look ma condition. ye paripapa! chai! wetin big man dey do to poor man oh. obj no see say broda seye sef get house? u don come again. amebo, dey go. di tori don finis. ehen, a no say e get house. na big man — e go get house. house no be house. ah say im sef get house from dash dem. why you dey look like lookmon. una no hear wetin ah talk? ah say uncle seye sef dey with aponlepore broda dem. ok. ah no no book abi. ah crace abi. even Jesus sef dem talk say e crace so if ah crace ehen. na oly mi see say wetin obj do no good. ok. so obj look ground so tey, na di person wey e get house, na im fit dey dere again. abeg mak dis shit quick commot for ma bodi mak ah go get dat daily tans were ah read am. u no see am, u no read am? abi u no fit read. after u go begin dey blow grama. he, he, he. ok, go ma room go bring di daily tans for dis satida wey jus pass. you go fin am onda di chair wey alfo dash mi wen im dey go obodo oyinbo for london. ah, alfo! if to say alfo dey ere now, im go begin do wetin im dey call analisis. begin blow big, big oyinbo like say im dey cus peson. alfo na big man for poor man bodi. but as im don go london now e go be big man. u go see am. ehen, u know say im wife don bon anoda pickin? di pickin yalo wan kin, sha. alfo blood no yalo resh dat. but alfo sef get one jamaica gal for london. wetin consign mi sef. na mi dey london? na mi dey enjoy life wit oyinbo? no be siddon ah siddon dey shit for on top latrin?

u no see de daily tans? e dey on top dat box wey ah dey keep angelina foto. ehen, di box wey get ma mama sewing satificate. abeg no if u na no wan see Chineke tooda no tosh di sandin wey dey on top di table oh. na dat sandin ah wan manage dis morin wit gana bread. Di sandin sef weda na titus oh, weda queen of di cos, ah no no. na di new one wey mama bombom dey sell for obalende. she tok say as obj don ban sandin na dis one one big cusom ofica cari from bene. u don fin am? oya, read am, wetin broda seye say:

“We were offered di properties and we accepted; and if they say they are no longer selling to us, then we have to get our money back. Since di president has said di sale of di properties should be cancelled, then it is all over. Di money paid has to be refunded.” (Di Punch, April 2, 2005).

oooh, oooh. ah, di shit don commot oh. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhh, ye, ye, ye, di shit don commot oh. person no suppose dey cari dis kin shit for bodi oh. e fit tear person anoos. wen no be say i wan bon pickin. abeg ah no get moni for dokto oh. ehen, u squis face. wen u supoz squis face u go dey like person wey win puls. go squis face for obj now. even sef u fit squis face for dash dem or emmy or even anti dora. as u tanda dey ere. na oly in front latrin u fit squis face? na mi tak di propatee? see ur face like face of pikin wey put han for im papa wife draw soup! see ur stomok like di soakaway wey burs for wata siad di oda day! a beg comot. u no no say e go beta na song of poor man? tak dat mama rose bucket wey dey dere go draw wata for mi, mak ah use wash dis shit. na so all we big, big people dey wash yansh like say we no see di shit wey dem dey do. mak mi sef do like big man. afta you bring di wata, go call obioma say ah wan mak one brocade, babi blu mak mi and tafa do anko.

na sule dey pla dat ik dairo ova dere? e sweet mi. angelina, angelina o ti lo wa ju oh! angelina, angelina o ti lo wa ju oh!