The Story of Sex in the Nigerian Community

In Nigeria there is a contradiction in attitude towards sex and sexuality. For instance, a great many Nigerians are shy when it comes to talking about sex. They are not at all brazen and open and accepting of public discussions of sex. Yet, the Nigerian music, dance and other art forms exude eroticism and sexuality.

Within the southern community it is not uncommon for a man to stare at a woman’s bosoms or buttocks; it is not uncommon to comment about the beauty of a woman’s physique and it is also not uncommon to express sexual intentions without the woman taking offense. This attitude is not about a lapse in morality or about moral decadence; or about a perversion of any sort. No. The south is simply more open, more accepting and more gregarious. Globalization and western education is more pronounced here.

But a mile or two up north, the community is a bit conservative and reserve in all matters sex. They enjoy and engage in sexual activities as much as the south but are given to this air of moral superiority and have the tendency to clothe most, if not everything, in religion. Religion and cultural factors are more pronounced here.

But I make no judgment or offer any verdict regarding the sexual attitude or practice of the North and or of the South. Only an observation!

In the North or in the South, the men lead the way especially in politics and governance. And sex. Until recently, sex was primarily for procreation and for the benefit and enjoyment of men. And very few men paid attention to the feelings and satisfaction of women. The women were expected to just lie there and take it and be grateful. And they did. And they were — until recently when the wind of change blew across the country one city and one village at a time.

Formal and informal sex education, feminist movements, Playboy and Penthouse magazines and other pornographic newsletters and movies and mainstream Hollywood productions helped pave the way. Additionally, international travels and exposure to western concepts and western practices also helped in this regard. These and other ideas and ideals gradually seeped into the marrow and consciousness of the Nigerian women.

As women made progress, men began to lose balance and position.

Today’s Nigeria is vastly and radically different from the Nigeria of yester-years. Women, especially those between the ages of 18-40 are almost like their western counterparts: independent, assertive, aggressive and competitive, and can, in most cases, go toe-to-toe with a man. And whether this is good or bad for the well being of the society is beyond the scope of this missive. But the aforesaid is happening. Whether in Sokoto, Warri, Maiduguri, Ilorin, Bauchi or Oshogbo, it is happening.

Women in Nigeria are beginning to find their place and their voice in a society that was for so long dismissive of their feelings and concerns and their sexual needs. In a society where men thought it was their birthright, a sort of entitlement to have 2 or 4 or as many sexual partners as possible now find that women are now demanding, and are indeed excising their rights to as many conquests as possible. This realization is shocking to the men and it is even more so to the community of Nigerians living in the United States of America.

It is not uncommon for Nigerian men to prospect for wives back in Nigeria. Why? Well, two of the “hidden reasons” are that (1) “the girls for America don spoil;” and (2) “I no see better woman for here.” In simple non-coded language, it simply means that the Nigerian women they have tangoed with are either “morally bankrupt or sexually liberated or too independent for their manhood.”

This may be true for some; but the vast majorities are lying. These are men who have slept with, used and abused and then abandoned the girls for the supposed greenhorns back in Nigeria. Sometimes these greenhorns will in turn abuse, use and dump their husbands after a few years or as soon as they have their Greencards or citizenship in hand! Oh Karma…are there sexual greenhorns in Nigeria or anywhere else!

It can be unsettling and disrespectful and ego busting to the Nigerian male to know that his wife or girlfriend sometimes need the services of a vibrator or a dildo. But they are not likely to complain if their non-African partners use such complementary devices.

From Seattle to Miami and from DC to Houston and everywhere in between, I have yet to meet a Nigerian male who will admit, privately or publicly, to sucking his wife’s toes or engage in other bliss-inducing sexual practices. Yet, they will readily and freely do it to their non-African partners. And Nigerian women who engage in or desire such practices are labeled “spoilt” and will have their reputation dragged through a raging cesspool of excrements.

Sex between two loving and consenting adults is breathtaking. It has the ability to alter ones minds and perception (for the good). But if you listen to the Nigerian women talk, you will hear them tell you how unsure, how incompetent and how unsatisfying most of the Nigerian men they have been with are. They will tell you that most will not even hug or spoon after lovemaking; that most do not know how to kiss (mouth to mouth or mouth on other places); and that most have no concept of foreplay.

They will tell you that most men still think of sex as procreation tool. And nothing more. If all the aforementioned allegations are true how then do Nigerian men manage with non-Nigerian women who want this and that and that and this…I wonder!