Rejected For Loving a Nigerian Man

haters pls close your mouth Nigerians are good as you have bad people in America so as it is all over the world do not allow any body to destroy your marriage hence you are living in peace

Hi all, Destiney. I was sitting here reading these comments also. I am also considering a relationship with a Nigerian male. And I have taken the same approach. I will only consider how he treats me. Some friends have made some stereotypical comments but I quickly set them straight. He treats me with the utmost kindness and respect and that’s more than what I can say about some African American men. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one in this situation. And regardless of who is loving whom…everyone be BLESSED!

I’m an African-American woman who is currently considering a relationship with a Nigerian man. It is most disturbing to read alot of these posts as it confirms ignorance is still alive and well. As far as I am concerned, I am the least bit concerned with race and MOST concerned with how I am courted and treated throughout the relationship. There are MANY MANY MANY African-American men who havent the slightest CLUE what it means to be honest, genuine, or faithful. The same way there are Nigerian and men of ALL races that lack those qualities. You cannot judge an entire group of people based on your personal experiences with one or two. I plan to judge this man solely on how he treats me and quite frankly my family could agree or not. Ultimately if we ARE married, I will be waking up to him everyday. Not my family.

That’s not fair. I know African American women who are married to Nigerian men and have been for ove 20 years. I pray that all women who are married have men who will appreciate how these women have sacrificed and stay in the marriage. One thing, continue to work and save. No matter what. Enjoy life to the fullest in any marriage.

He will trreat you as you let him. Remember you are a lady and he is a man. Research for yourself how your Nigerian man is. What you see is what you get. Just like these American men. Live, Love and remember to love peace.

Truth or not, Africans and white Americans stole the African Americans from their Motherland? There has been separation of families and cultures in most black families du to this struggle. The minds of most BlackAfrican Americans have been to not trust, tolive in a survival mode to get what they need. The ugly name calling was brain washed into so many children who didn’t undestand were they came from. You must remember Black History has not been taught in America as History. It is sad. I ask you to not put every African American in one box. I have been treated very bad by adult Africans (male and female), mostly Nigerians.But I would never say they are allthe same. People do what they know. What goes into the mind is what will come out. That is why education is so important. Not just acedemical education.

I have been married to my Yorubian husband for 5 years. Each year he has a reson to go to Nigeria. He also needs to send money. Me being the Christian I am believe in mission work, didn’t mind atfirst. But there comes a time wen home comes first and his home is Nigeria and the Nigerian people. Only under followed throw threats does he seem to realize he married me an Africam Amercan woman that deserves to be loved and respected as I do in return.

Everyone is escaping something!!!

Hey, Im a Malaysian and Im dating a Nigerian and our relationship is for 2 years. My mom could accept our relationship but my father could not and he keeps calling my bf an Indian (He is always like that. When someone has a dark skin tone colour, that person will be always known as an Indian to him). Anyways, I dont care what my father says about me and him being together because I believe that its not his life but its mine. If he wants to abandon me as his daughter, he can go ahead. Its a free world cause if he dies and I stood by his decisions, I will regret the rest of my life loving the person which I dont love at all.

So my advice to you is your mother is not young and she is old and once she is gone, you will regret making decisions based on her and not based on you so no matter what, just put up with it and stand by your grounds.

Wow, I am too dating a Nigerian man. I love him and have good times with him. But in my heart I just think that its a phase. He will only love me for a short time, but in the end he will choose his own kind. In a conversation with his friends, his buddy said oooh you must take this lady to Nigeria, she cooks the food so good and she’s a good girl. Then my man responded in his language somthing and his friend responded oooh, but you’re showing her alot of your culture.

It’s sad because as a African American woman, our men don’t commit to the women or the children we make together. It’s very disheartning and when I try to date broader, it’s like you’re my woman for now but its temporary.

My advise for what it’s worth. The Nigerian man is marrying you for opportunity. An opportunity for advancement. I belive that man is already married to a woman there. Normally African men are not single fathers raising their children. African men are very charming and are intellectuals but they are loyal to their own kind.

BE CAREFUL

Pat if you love this man baby do you. I’m a 45 year old woman in love with a 28 year old Nigerian man and we will be married soon. I have family that dont like this and respect them for how they feel. what ever the out come is I must deal with it and I will be fine. I just say to you if you love this man marrie him and keep God in your heart and you will be fine. A man is a man and I must say my nigerian baby is the best thing that ever happen to me.

I agree. I am married to a nigerian man and have experienced all of this. After trying things his way and the way of his people, and now I do it my way. I agree that for a woman to retain any sense of self she has to first be true to herself. I tried the whole nigerian church scene and think that it is good for those who choose it, but not for me. I dont feel that all nigerians are the same but as a woman i hope that Patricia has been able to keep her head and her identify because a “wife” is not all she was created to be. I’ve been learning alot about this issue in my 1 1/2 year of marriage which has been challenging but truely worth it, and I have found that you do indeed have to take things as they come but not loose sight of yourself by submersing in your husbands culture. Im proud of my fellow nurse who in my opinion spoke the truth and spoke from experience too.

I just feel bad for Nigerian men that stoop to the level of dating or marrying African American women.

I love black women don't get me wrong, i will rather relate to caribean women or south american than american blacks. I came to the sates for college at the age of 19. Most Africans will agree with me that any african kid wants to meet black americans because we were raised to believe that they are our kingfolks. When you get to the states you will realise that african americans are very mean to africans, ignorant and always try to put us down. I never dated an african american woman because of the way they treated me when I first came to the sates, as a young teenager trying to go to college, i used to cry all day when some black kid called james used to call me names at mcdonalds where we used to work. At a point, i called my family wanting to abandon college in america and come back home. Anyways after several years, after my graduate school, now as a 27 year old, i visited my old neighbourhood in Nj, guess what james that used to make fun of me and my accent is still there at same mcdonalds.

I am not saying that all Nigerians are angels, all of them are not crooks either, you got to know someone well to pass judgement. For the lady's mother I nwish she could visit Nigeria and realise that african americans are not doing better than most Nigerians that live and work in Nigeria financially and otherwise, I feel stuck in the states anyways, I am always angry at my parents for bringing me here and I wasted all my youth and productive years here. Tell what is special about living in the states, 70 hrs a week job, stress, broken homes, ignorant people, hatred, gang banging, teen pregnancy, illiteracy. look at the report about divorce rate among african american, the record was not created by Nigerias. you black americans can tell your bull to africans back home watching BEt and MTV that never came here and see that you guys are worse off than any set of black people in the whole world in general.

African-Americans are less likely to get married and more likely to get divorced, according to experts who have studied divorce rates around the United States. The biggest indicators for marriage success — or failure — are age, poverty and education levels, they say.

Divorce among black couples is more prevalent than it is among whites or Hispanic couples, according to a 2003 study by Demographic Research, http://www.demographic-research.org/default.htm, a web site that published demographic research on the Internet and encourages an "international community of people concerned with population issues." The study on the site show that 32 percent of African-American couples divorce as compared with 21 percent white couples and 22 percent Hispanics.

While he thinks the reasons for the numbers are complex, Andrew Cherlin, professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Md., tried to explain the problem: “Blacks are more likely to get divorced because, first they are poorer, and poverty strains marriages, and second because African-American culture places more weight on ties to grandmothers, aunts, and other kin than does European-American culture, compared to the ties between husbands and wives."

In a study called "The Topography of the Divorce Plateua," Dr. R. Kelly Raley and Dr. Larry Bumpass said the high rate of divorce among African-Americans “may provide an important insight for understanding the low, and decreasing, marriage rate for the group as well as the high proportion of the birth to unmarried black women,"

The researchers found that “70 percent of black women’s first marriages will end in divorce, as will 47 percent of white women’s marriages…" Age, education and income are major factors in the stability of all marriages, regardless of race or ethnicity, but those factors affect African-American couples more than others, according to the two researchers.

"It is likely that the more uncertain the prospects for marital stability, the more the potential gains from marriage are decreased and the potential costs increased…,” they wrote in their study.

That's not surprising to Divorce 360 expert Dr. Pamela Thompson, an Atlanta psychologist, who counsels couples in marriage therapy as part of her practice. “Marriage is virtually extinct in the black community in the U.S. today,” she said. “A person born in the black community has a 70 percent chance of being born to an unmarried couple.”

African-American couples who are married often have less than a fighting chance, she said. “What puts more pressure on an Afro-American married couple is that the female earns more than the male in many instances, and she has a more favorable career track. That upsets the apple cart in the natural order of things,” she explained. “As the head of a household so goes the family. If the head of a household is a man who isn’t pulling his weight, then he makes the whole family vulnerable."

She also criticizes black women for contributing to the problem. “In recent years there is harshness to black womanhood. Because her world is harder and tougher it makes it makes marriage for her much more fragile,” Thompson said.

Rev. Cedric Brooks, associate minister of Redemption United Methodist Community Church in Atlanta, thinks the decline in church participation among African-Americans has contributed to the problem. “There was a time when there was a stigma if a woman wasn’t married in the black community, particularly if she was pregnant. Today I run into women in the black community that want a baby but not a husband. I think it’s their maternal instinct, but they don’t want the jerk that comes with the baby,” he said.

Another factor: “The Afro-American community has attempted to integrate itself into mainstream American society," he said. "The more we’ve tried to do this, the more we’ve accepted the views of mainstream American society. The black community’s chase for money and material things has caused us to push aside the family and family values."

That's unfortunate, according to a 2005 study called "The Consequences of Marriage for African Americans."

The study was produced by five scholars: Lorraine Blackman, Indiana University School of Social Work and the African American Family Life education Institute; Obic Clayton, Department of Sociology Morehouse College; Norval Glenn, Department of Sociology University of Texas; Linda Malone-Colon, Department of Psychology Hampton University and the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center; and Alex Roberts, Institute for American Values.

The study's findings conclude:

Marriage improves the economic, social and psychological well-being of African-American men and women.

Black men receive more benefits from marriage than black women.

Financially blacks benefit more from marriage than whites.

Black women benefit less from marriage than their white counterparts.

Black-White differences in quality of marriage are an important reason why black women benefit less from marriage than white women.

Marriage results in important benefits for black children.

Marriage is definitely beneficial for male children.

Black children appear to benefit more from marriage of their parents than white children.

It is not clear why there are apparent racial difference involving black and white children and marriage.

Marriage matters as far as those who are concerned about black American and make policy.

Whatever positives the study shows, Thompson isn't certain what can be done to improve the marriage or divorce rates for African-Americans. “I try to remain hopeful that somehow marriage for African-Americans will improve, but I’m not sure how it can be turned around and improved when black women have few reference points to guide them,” she said.

Don Moore is a veteran newspaper editor and reporter who spent more than 40 years working at newspapers around Florida. He recently retired from the Port Charlotte, Fla., Sun-Herald. He can be reached at donmoore39@gmail.com

Dear Patricia,

I will not fully give my name but there may be something you are not expecting to read at this time. I come from Africa and not from Nigeria but one thing for sure, we are all of the same blood. There are some men who would do anything to get out of the misery in Africa to come to the States. They do it here for those already in the states to get their papers and be able to stay legally(quickest way) in the states. You see they know that most of the women here (no insults) quickly fall in love and are willing to stay away from their family and friends just to get their way. All the while knowing that it is something they (these men) would never do back home (marrying a woman without the approval of the girls’ family and that is parents, grd parents and so forth) due to the traditions.

Please be very careful, you may feel in love right now and may have married by this time but this issue is no secret. I recently had some issues with the INS and I was shocked to hear the interview officer suggesting me to marry an american citizen so that I could quickly solve the issue! Yes, my dear and it is no lie! You see they know very well the deal!

I am just letting you know. By the time he gets his papers and is able to stay here without the need of an american woman, I hope his love for you would remain the same. I am afraid it may well be not the case.

Sorry to let you know the tuth. It may be hard but better is the one telling you te truth than those trying to make you feel good. Please, keep the good ties with your mom, when husbands and people around leave or disappoint us those we can always run to even at their old ages are our parents.

I am

Iwas in love with a Nigaerian man an broke my heart. I will never truat another. Be careful.

Iam with nigeria men too. But sometimes he ack like a nigeria man and sometimes he ack like american man. And i no they are to treat woman like queens right?.

i don't know if this will get to you, but would love to talk with you privately… i am also in love with a nigerian man, and i hear it all the time how this is no good the doubts the right up front judging and it makes me sick, i have met some wonderful people through this man and it is sooo sad the government that they have no control over has made it sooo bad that people just assume they are all bad… my response to that is this… i didn't know that God had created only certain countries that are evil… how ludicris is that…there are just as much crooked people in our own country it's all over the world which means that if people just get out of their heads and see that as long as there is ignorance about nigeria , very beautiful people will never have a chance now isn't that an injustice of our country????? i don't know.. all i know is because of all this it has made it very hard for me to get him over here, i have no idea how to start… i don't have much money nor does he and we are just looking for advice from anyone who may be able to give some kind of direction….i hope you recieve this bulletin, if sooo could you plzzz email me at teriandsunny4_ever@yahoo.com, thanks **HUGS** Teri

To tell you the truth I am really kind of confused. As a African American woman all of my life I have wanted to visit Africa and get to know more about my heritage. I have always wanted to meet a good man from Africa to teach me things that we have forgotten. I just don't understand why Africans are looked at differently than African Americans when we originated from the same place. These same Nigerians that we are sitting here talking about have the same blood running through their veins as we do. The only difference is the soil that we were raised up on. I wonder if you were to line up 10 Nigerian men and 10 African American men in a row could we choose the Nigerians from the Americans? It is very sad that we have allowed the American society to dictate what we know about our own people. (Africans) When I went to school I never learned anything about Africa and we as African Americans need to remember where our forefathers came from. We need to take it upon ourselves and trully learn about our people. Just like when we were children we thought everyone in the Bible was white and I wonder why. Well I can trully say this I would much rather have a wonderful Nigerian man who believes in family and education than an American man who does not. Until we get rid of these prejudices we will never fulfill Dr. Martin Luther King's dream. Need I remind you that He said that," I have a dream that one day ALL OF GODS CHILDREN," Not just Americans, Chinese, and British but ALL. He said they will one day walk hand in hand. Gosh people after all of these years that he had this dream it is still not being fulfilled as of 2007. It is sad that we forget so soon how we as African Americans received our blessings. Well let me remind you that we came over to this country not as free americans but as slaves and it does not matter how we got to be in this predicament. Slaves from this same country we have our noses turned up against. These same slaves lost their lives so that we may live in America as free people. And in my opinion just this fact makes the average Nigerian man or woman special and we should give them the utmost respect. Now I am not saying every Nigerian is good but I am definately not saying every

American is either. Come on people a man is a man and a woman is a woman.

hi Pat sorry for want you had to deal with your mom. I do understand you wanting her to accept your new family. I 'm a afro-american waman in love with Nigeria man who wants to marry me in Auguest. My family doesn't want be to do this half are happy for me and half are not. There are some problem one is he is younger then me my 10 years. But he don't care about my age and long as we love each other. We both feel that God has put us together. We pray all the time about our relationship and my family. You need to pray that God will increase your mother love for your new family and that in her fear and God will keep her. Don't cut her off just keep loving her your husband can handle this. If he is anything like my Nigeria you too will pray for you mother love and God will take care of it. You and your new life be bless…..you sister in christ…..AtirD

To Comment #16. Very interesting, but I must say that it is dripping with the bad taste that your failed relationship has left in your mouth. I, too, am American; southern bred as yourself, and married to a Nigerian. We are now separated but remain amicable. I agree that the blogger should not have dragged her mom to the Net, but blogging is a way of dealing with frustration. Lots of us have "mom issues" and "complicating" these issues is difference – in this case, the blogger's "different" husband. It is not your mom that's the issue, Blogger. It is you and perhaps how you feel about your husband being foreign. You are in for a rude awakening, sister. Your mom's comments are only the beginning of a very long and bumpy ride. You'll have to work hard at making your relationship with your foreign husband all right with you and only you. He will stick out like a sore thumb among you and your other American friends, especially on couples' night out, if you have one. You will hear your friends and family ask him all types of questions that will horrify you but also make you laugh at their ignorance. The best way to handle it all is to accept that your husband will be "different" here in the states and laugh at the response. It's like a bad movie (see My Big Fat Greek Wedding) but laughable in how we see difference. Enjoy your new man and immerse yourself in the difference, but DO NOT drown yourself in it, like Nurse Bishopville South Carolina. Women often find that when they lose themselves in someone else, and that someone else does not, for one reason or another, act mutually, they're responses are angry and bitter. Of course there are wonderful God-fearing Nigerian men all over the world — WITH green cards! Enjoy your life with your new family; laugh at the differences and pray for those around you.

The comment # 10 is unfortunate, ignorant and disgraceful.A lot of Yourbas or call them Nigerians are in america today without any 'escape ticket' like you call it.Nigeria is not as bad as media do portrays it.At lot of americans and citizens of other from countries live and do business in Nigeria.

My best wishes to you, Patricia. I am glad to know that i am not alone. I am in love with a Nigerian man, and i plan to marry him in July. Like you my family feels the same way, but my decision has been made and they will have to accept that. Your mother will have a change of heart in the end.

I sympathize with you on what is currently going on.I know your mum might be afraid and all that but sometimes our elders have a point(not about your husband having AIDS and what not) but in the things they see.It could also be because of brainwashing and constant negativity beamed about Nigeria and Nigerians across the Western media.My prayer for you is that your marriage works and that you prove the nay sayers wrong.I hope your man is one decent Nigerian and that he does truly love and isn't just escaping from home.

Above all,I wish you the best and hope that things sort themselves out in no time.

i sympathize with you. i am going through the same thing. i am a Jamaican and my fiance is a Nigerian. my mom is against us getting married. she thinks i am making a mistake and think all Nigerian men are liars. they don't understand that men will be men regardless what race they are. your mom will accept the relationship when she gets to know your husband.

Pat, I am stupefied indeed. Worse still how do I counsel you without bruising your feelings? I have been there. And tell you what? You'd have to sit your husband down when he arrives one-on-one and open up to him in full details about your mum and all thats happened. Remember you are walking together as one and information is all he needs to help him prove to her (and indeed your family) that all Nigerians are not what they think we are. Alligning with a church may not necessarily help matters – afterall your mum is the product of a church – now you know even the bible does not teach nor encourage discrimination. It is very important he (your hubby) hears from you earliest.

Finally, remember in your new relationship, the closest person to you after God is your husband – not your mom nor brothers nor anyone else. After him, your stepson. The family unit is very important. The way you relate and deal with him will generate respect for him by your family – when they realise they cant involve or get to you without going through your hubby, they'd have no option but to come with tails between legs and tolerate him; gradually tolerance will lead to understanding. Best of luck sis…

Hey Patricia,

I'm deeply sorry about the pain u have to go through. Such stereotypical judgements may be very difficult to live with, but i'm sure you know they are not new. It is very easy to develop prejudices against a set of people, but difficult to correct. One thing i can assure you though, is that your husband and step-son might even end up being your mother's best friends. I live in germany and i hear such things virtually everyday, though i'm not married to any german. Their prejudices are not just against nigerians but against any one from a poor country. They now have a scale depending on what they know about your country. Most of those who say this negative things have no personal contact with the people they judge and that is life. I'm sure she wouldn't say these things if only she knew what you know. I wish you all the very best with your decision and blessed marriage.

Patricia, my heart goes out to you. Particularly as I, too, am an American woman planning to marry a Nigerian man this fall. I am finding as soon as I say Nigeria or Africa people start making stereotypical judgements. Then comes the "he is probably just using you. As soon as he gets over here he will get a divorce" Well, I am not sure how that would be any different from a lot of other divorces. My parents have also reacted as your mother. Good Christians…just very judgemental. Praise God that their children see more clearly, His Word, than our parents did. Best of luck to you…and in the end, you will be with your husband. Not your mother. God bless and be with you all.

Patricia: Should I say, welcome to life of a mixed-couple.

You must calmly advise yourself that as hurtful as that may be, from experience, you must soldier on. If you have other Nigerians in the area, their frienship may be a comfort.

Also, a good place to network would be the church. There should be a Redeemed Christian Church of God that would have many Nigerians as members. You can google the church together with your zip code and it will give you one nearest your location. Family support is important and the church usually is a very good network place. Your parents may change (sadly, but happens) when you start doing well materially as a couple and it shows.