Person Wey Woman No Kill…

Me I no know again o, I suppose dey happy over wetin my iyawo do for me, but since person eye don see nwee for woman hand for this world, na him make me come dey philosophise over the whole matter.

Uche and Uche

For dis my last birthday wey just pass (person just dey old small small), I no been know say Uche don do every arrangee with my friends and family wey been dey around London to organise party on my behalf. She been first dey ask me wetin be my plans for my birthday, me I take style dey dodge the question, I come claim say I dey busy, say my mind no de reach dat side, she no been know say na gbese na him dey fear me, na my credit card I dey run away from spending. No be me dis oyibo people go take shine, the way me dey shy away fom dem plastics wetin call – platinum, gold etc. I no want grow old for this country, and me no want dey here dey pay gbese.

Segun Arinze, Uche Nworah, Austin Uzoh

Anyway to cut story short, I no been know say she don plan surprise birthday party for me. I been dey think say I be heavy man, say I dey sharp. Na now I know say I be real mugu. Wetin tire me for the whole matter be say na my phone she take dey call all these people up after which she go wipe the whole call list, as per say I store their numbers for my phone, and also because I follow for those people wey get that one2one (now T-Mobile) free unlimited evening and weekend calls contract. Although say dem ma don write me recently come dey want take style cancel the contract, for inside the letter, dem come dey yarn say I dey abuse the phone say dem want restrict me to wetin dem dey call ‘fair use policy’, me I write back tell dem say dat one na grammar dem dey talk o, the time when I dey sign the contract dem no tell me dat one. Since then I no hear from them again. Who talk say oyibo no dey fear wahala?

Party guests

Anyway, back to my tory. My iyawo don use my phone tell all these people say make dem no tell me and dem ma self gree, even my brothers and sisters from the same mama go go dey inside the plot. When she don arrange everything finish, another wahala come be how dem go take comot me for house dat day, she ma know say na Julius Berger crane dem go take lift me comot for house any Saturday wey Premiership football dey for Sky, me self dey watch every game whether e dey sweet or not. I be real Okoro man for dat side o, I dey watch all my money comot from those Sky people, whether the match dey for Prem Plus or for Sky sports 1, 2, 3 or Extra. I dey there. Since Jay-Jay Okocha don waka comot from here, person no get free ticket again go watch match.

Julius Agwu & Don ChiChi

Anyway, as Okocha don enter inside the gist, make I gist una as Emma Okocha, him brother come act as Brutus, na him my Iyawo use to comot me for house. Emma been first call me say him get free tickets for Arsenal match say make we go watch am, na him I come gree. Small time him come change him tory come talk say him want make I come him house come help am do something for computer, say the tickets no work out again. Na him I come lie to  am tell am say me no go fit come say I dey expect parcel from DHL, see me see wahala, I be Bill Gates abi na Philip Emeagwali wey him dey ask me to come help am for computer? When dat him original plan don fail, dem come go conspire with Chinenye Ezeh, one omo when I been go university with for uniuyo wey we and am dey go the same church for Charlton. She ma come call me say she dey come my house come visit me with her friend chinwe (chinwe tory self long, she know all the people for aso rock, i go soon scatter the gist she give me for dis site), I say no wahala. Small time Emma self come call me say himself want come my house make we watch match together, I say no wahala too.

No be am my phone ring again after a while, Emma come tell me say him see Chinenye on the way to my house say na both of them dey come now. Me I don balance in front of my TV dey wait for match na him bell ring and dem enter house, small time my iyawo say she want comot, na him Emma and Chinenye come dey convince me say as my iyawo dey comot make we all go Chinenye house go watch the match for a change. Mumu wey I be I come gree. I no know say dat one na the signal for the conspirators to swoop down. Dis na around 5 pm.

We don dey Chinenye house reach 8 pm na him dem say make dem come drop me, as we dey reach my house, I come see my younger brother car but I come think say maybe him dey visit us, some other cars been dey parked there too but me no think much about am as cars too dey park for the area. As me want enter house, Emma and Chinenye say dem want follow me go greet my iyawo and to tell her say dem don bring me home safely.

As we enter house, the hallway been dey dark but me think say na our usual way to save energy money, even though say our mates their own reason to dey off light na to save the planet. Me ma go first save myself before I begin think of saving any planet. As I opened the seating room door, my eye come blind in an explosion of light and voices. Happy birthday songs come full everywhere, I turn left see Arinze and him wife (Angela), I look right come see Julius Agwu the comedian, I look centre see Segun Arinze the actor and Austin Uzoh wey dey design fine clothes, I turn back see all my paddy dem, Orizu and him wife (Chinwe), Dubem, Maureen, Ifeoma, Chimezie (wey dey marry Nelly, Nelly ma na my Iyawo former colleague for Zenith Bank and na for their wedding for Lagos in 2003 I meet my Iyawo), Tochukwu, Don Chichi, Chike etc. My brothers dem Peter, Charles and my sisters Ifeyinwa and Chinyere all full ground, Even my in-laws, dem Nkechi, Grace, Nonye and my iyawo her posse – Stella, Tope and co dem all full ground. I even hear say some don come go before i come back, even my cousin Ifeanyi, dat one wey too like meat wey dey support Arsenal, him ma self know all the better joints for gidi, one time him carry me go chop egbene igbo (native hen) for inside one woman compound for Omole estate – Ikeja, Nigerians dey cook no be small, na head i take go home dat day. Na only when Chelsea lose and those wenger boys win him dey phone me (me i be blue o). Anyway  as appear, na him gbedu start, we jolly no be small.

I swear person never do this kind thing before for me, for all my life me never enjoy this kind birthday before. I say my iyawo try well well no be small. I been think say I dey in charge, say I know everything, who side? Our iyawo dem na them dey rule I beg. As me dey live inside the same house with my iyawo, dey sleep inside the same bed with her and she dey plan gbedu for me for my back with my friends, dey send texts and emails up and down I no know, na him be say women dem nothing wey dem want do wey dem no fit do. I say person wey woman no kill, nothing fit kill am again. Meanwhile dat morning I don first form, do small garagara for my iyawo, I been wake up in one of those my ‘killer’ moods and been sell small of am to her n

ot knowing dat she ma been dey plan the surprise birthday of my life for me.

I throw way heavy salute to my iyawo and pray make God really bless her for all the wahala she been go through when she been dey coordinate everything. Me self don check my credit card statements since and no be my money dem take pay for the whole gbedu. Dat one for be another matter sha. Even self those my people wey come and wey been keep the secret, wey my iyawo remember to call, I say una do well. Those wey hear later, I say una doo, no be me plan am if not I for invite una.