Naija Notes: Someone is after me!!!

For those who browse this site, you would have noticed that I did not come up with new notes last week.

Well, I can proffer a million reasons for my absence or I could tell the truth. But you and I both know that the truth is never as interesting as the lie.

So let me begin with the lie. Someone is after me. I woke up on the 1st of October and a man was standing outside my gate right beside my car. When I stood on the balcony and coughed he turned and ran. I saw him the next morning as I got ready for work and putting 2 and 2 together, I got a resounding 5!

Well, if you believe this you need your head examined. Really, if a man doesn’t stand by my car who should? A goat? Right now in Nigeria the easiest way to grab attention is simple! Go to the press and scream that someone is after your life. That is the reigning industry now.

First it was Chibudom Nwuche, Deputy Speaker of the House of Reps who had alleged that a governor was after his life. The man who brought Nwuche the “false” information has now been jailed for one year.

But if you think that will deter Nigerians you ain’t seen nothing yet. Two weeks back it was a chief Judge in Ondo state. This week its Lam Adesina who has alleged that a police officer was offered N10m to snuff the life out of him.

Now, the police commissioner in Oyo state has asked Lam Adesina, Executive Governor of Oyo, to name the would be assassin. If Lam produces a name I will eat my head with ketchup. No kidding.

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On the 1st of October, our president Olusegun Obasanjo, launched a book and brand new initiative tagged “I See Hope.”

Its been seven days now and I am still trying to figure out whether something is wrong with my eye sight, because try as I might the only thing I see is despair, hopelessness, angst, and helplessness. Almost four years after the PDP led government took over the helms of affairs we have witnessed so much motion without movement.

I don’t see hope. Maybe I’ve got cataracts or my eyes are blinkered, but to tell the truth this country is still groping in the dark and there’s no glimmer at the end of this tunnel. People are hungry. People are angry. The roads are bad. Power supply is still epileptic. Armed robbers are sacking homes. Our policemen are dispirited and lacking initiative. The politicians are stealing and lying. Nothing seems to work.

And OBJ sees hope.

It must be those funny glasses of his.

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Kris Okotie! Remember him? In his former life he was a pop star with a string of hits in the early 80s. Music buffs will remember some of his songs and jerry-curled coif. Well, the trained lawyer soon got the Saul-on-the-way-to-Damascus treatment and is now better known as pastor of Household of God, a sprawling church head-quartered in Oregun, Lagos.

Now, this is not a biographical sketch. The buzz is that Pastor Kris Okotie who had previously expressed interest in running for the senate and ruling his home state of Delta is now eyeing the top job. Okotie wants to be president.

A pastor as president? Yes. Why not? Remember Bertrand Aristide. Well, Pastor Kris Okotie is serious about his ambition and to actualize it he has been on the airwaves spouting big grammar and making us listen up.

If truth be told Okotie has a lot of serious things to say but to get to them you have to wade through the sea of jaw-breaking English he likes to speak. A sample: Interconnectivity of empathy and political ventriloquism.

After hearing him espouse his views you leave wondering whether it wouldn’t be best for every one if he just issued a simple declaration: I want to be president, vote for me!

Really.

And as at last week free tapes marked DECLARATION were being given out gratis while a form is circulating asking people to join the F.R.E.S.H band wagon. House of Nigeria F.R.E.S.H is the NGO Okotie is using as launch pad for his ambition.

Will he succeed? I can’t say, but one thing you can’t ignore is the novelty the man of God is bringing to the whole staid political arena. There’s even a free musical jamboree planned for the 26th of October.

One last thing: Anybody know what the constitution says on the marital status of the president of Nigeria?

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By the 10th of October, the drums of war beating over Bakassi may be stilled forever. Judgement is expected to be delivered at The Hague in respect to the disputed oil rich peninsula. Nigeria and neighboring Cameroon has been at daggers drawn over the peninsula for years now.

Keep your fingers crossed.

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And if you are thinking of coming home for Xmas and plan to spend time in Lagos, my unsolicited advice is simple: stay put where you are. Lagos is in the grip of a terrible traffic stranglehold that is driving Lagosians crazy.

Morning noon and night the story is the same. Now it takes me an hour and a half to get to work from Yaba to Victoria Island even though I leave my house at 6.30 am. That is a twenty-kilometer stretch that shouldn’t take more than 20 minutes on a good day.

Everyone is blaming the traffic situation on bad roads made worse by persistent rainfall.

And we have a governor who wants to be re-elected.

Politicians!