Mother or Wife: Who Comes First?

When I wrote “Di Na Nwunye Obodo Oyibo” (Foreign Husbands and Wives) a month ago the essay generated a healthy minor controversy triggered by a thought-provoking response by one Mrs Patricia Daboh, an African-American woman married to a Nigerian. She wrote in her comments: “I find it amazing that you love your mother so much that you would rather drop the “love of your life” and marry someone of your mother’s nationality preference. I know what it feels like being pressured not to marry someone from another nationality, for I am an African American woman, and I am married to a Nigerian man. I believe you are happy with your choice, but I must admit, I find it a little shocking that a man would actually heed to the wishes of his mother, when he is suppose to be in love with a woman.

“The connection between you and your mother seem stronger than any other connection you have. As a wife, I would not like that one bit! When a man grows and matures, he should, if you believe in the bible, cleave to his wife, leave mother and father, and his wife and he become one flesh. A bond between a husband and wife should be stronger than that between a parent and child. Please do not take this negatively, but your devotion and loyalty to your mother over that of your own happiness is surprising to me and interesting.”

But other comments posted by readers contradicting Mrs Daboh’s views were note-worthy. One reader saw it differently from the angle she took it. Mr John wrote: “Patricia Daboh: A husband can divorce his wife and go home to mama for a good pot of soup. You only have one mama, and can have wives at different times of a man’s life. There will always be an ex-wife, or ex-husband, but never an ex-mama. Get that? Leave that part of the bible alone. The bible stories was not written with the African culture or even any other culture in mind, but the Isrealites’ stories. There is no way two can become one flesh. Two opposite sexes are joined together to procreate, any other thing is for social well being, which one can meet among groups of similar social interest.”

Another respondent to the thread named Godwin Kwushue had this to say: “This thing is just practical, have you seen a man or woman who will remain married to a spouse with mental problem? As far as your spouse is concerned you have outlived your importance. Your relative will not give up on you, they will take you to the end of the earth to make sure you are restored to sanity and good health. You will still remain their son and brother, they will be offended if anybody should maltreat you because of your mental state but your so called ‘for better for worse’ partner, who has pretended all along to be ‘one’ with you would have moved to someone else’s bed. Some people abandoned their safety net {family} on account of this phrase and when situation that they can not handle confronts them as a result of their marrying or ‘joined’ so to speak with a monster of a husband or wife they become overwhelmed and alone. People should always endeavour to be pragmatic. I have always told friends this, your wife and husband may go but you mother and father will remain till death”.

The question then arises against the foregoing backgrounder therefore: who between a mother and wife in a man’s life is more important? Who comes first?

Some people may argue that the question over who comes first between a mother and wife does not arise because of how they see things. But it’s important we put the question in perspective because a lot of homes have been broken on account of misunderstanding between mothers-in-law and their sons’ wives. A friend of mine got his wife divorced recently simply because the lady’s parents were ‘intruding’ and interfering in his marriage matters. He told me that because he showed love to his aged mother the mother of his wife equally expected him to shower the same amount of love and reverence to her, something practically impossible.

In the Holy Bible we are admonished by our Maker to honour our fathers and mothers. It is found in one of the ten commandments of God which Moses through divine guidance delivered to descendants of Adam and Eve. The important place occupied by our parents in our hearts and lives generally cannot be over-emphasized. Yet a lot of people observe that Biblical admonition more in the breach. They can afford to tell off their parents telling mama or papa to ‘go to hell’. Some fathers and mothers, admittedly, sometimes go beyond their normal moral boundaries while seeking to ‘control’ their children’s affairs and choices.

In the same Bible it is written that upon maturity an adult will leave his father and mother and build a home with his wife; the two becomes ‘one flesh’ united in marriage. But I believe that the Bible does not counsel us to abandon completely our dear parents while labouring to be two flesh embedded in one with a certain ‘stranger’ we took home as a wife. What I believe the Bible is saying in essence is that a time shall come when the child would aspire to be another child’s father or mother and by so doing becomes a father or mother himself or herself. So the cycle of paternity and maternity continues in perfect harmony with the human reproductive system as ordained by Jehovah.

A good pal of mine based in Germany once asked me during our meeting in Dusseldoff using a riddle. He was obviously piffed when I told him that I was missing my mother in the village! He had questioned: If in a tragic event in which I am travelling in a boat with my mother and wife and the boat is capsizing with me possessing the capacity to save just a soul, one of the women, who should be saved and who should be allowed to perish? In other words who would I prefer to live and who should die? Without thinking twice I answered him thus: My mother comes first and she would most definitely be saved!

You see I am in love with my wife quite alright but motherhood transcends any emotional attachment one could ever extend to a wife. As my reader Godwin Kwushue reasoned: “your wife and husband may go but you mother and father will remain till death”. Yes I have never seen nor heard of someone filing divorce papers against his/her mother in the law courts. Your wife can betray you, give you heartbreak or even connive with your enemies to kill you! She can harm you or even kill you pointedly without remorse, ‘mourning’ you thereafter, blaming it on the devil and inheriting your estates but sweet mother cannot do such things.

Finally to Mrs Daboh particularly I say thank you for your comments. When I had nursed that intention of marrying my former French girlfriend I think I was a victim of lust and infatuation and not true love. I was swept away by a charming woman who gave me sexual satisfaction; I was carried away by a “sex machine” that effortlessly seduced and subdued my entire system. I know better now and I have no regrets heeding my mother’s wise counsel.

While I may agree with you that “the connection between you and your mother seem stronger than any other connection you have” I beg to disagree when you postulated that “…but your devotion and loyalty to your mother over that of your own happiness is surprising to me and interesting.” My wife is a source of happiness to me quite alright but she is not the major source. And she knows that for sure! God and Jesus Christ are major sources of happiness for me; besides my mother follows before any other source. That is the truth and nobody can change that for now.