‘Labalaba’ and the Suya’s fire: Why the short and ugly are married 2

I am beginning to think that the royal families are in a better world than the rest of us, or how else can one describe the late Princess Diana’s response to a TV interviewer when asked to comment on the imbroglio caused by (ask for my opinion of the Prince when I return to 9NJA) Prince Charles during the last lap of their separation. She was so polished and cultured that she chose to use a garnished phrase that “the marriage was a bit over crowded” in sharp contrast to what women in our world would use. The women in our world especially European women would prefer phrases like “my husband is cheating on me, my man is unfaithful, or my husband is seeing another woman”. And a typical Nigerian woman in Victoria Island or Ikoyi would most likely say “the foolish Man left me for a short and ugly woman”. Please ask why her height and beauty did not keep the man at home. Are you wondering how an Ajegunle or Mushin woman would answer? That’s for another day.

For every relationship or marriage there is always the third man or third party, I mean crowded by the third man… I am not speaking French here and neither am I referring to God, ‘Otio o’ please leave God out of this; He is the umpire that we will all give the account of our stewardship to.

Perception defers and whatever you choose to call the third person in your relationship is immaterial here.

Here is a play titled ‘Labalaba and the Suya’s fire’ (Professor Wole Soyinka can not do better) starring the tall and beautiful as desperate woman and Narrator as The third man. Please enjoy…

Man – I love you

The Third man – you and I know what you want from her

Desperate woman – are you sure?

The Third man – She has been fasting and praying for this time, now she wants to know when you’ll come to visit her parents

Man – ok, just tell me how you want me to show it

The Third man – Is he aware of the fact that you are not just rude and impolite but egocentric?

Desperate woman – The feeling I have for you is so overwhelming that I can not describe it

The Third man – It’s a lie, your feelings are 110% under your control you are even more intelligent ….. you have hidden agenda, didn’tshort and struggling Chukwudi on your streetpropose to you three months a go?

Desperate woman – Honestly I don’t know why I love you so much

The Third man – No man/woman will be attracted to the other for no reason. Even though you are lucky to have a man showing interest in you at 38, despite telling him you are just 23 (na pancake sorry powder dey hide your wrinkles). It’s obvious that you can not afford to loose this golden opportunity. Isn’t that enough reason to love him?

Man – I am the only son of my mother, she prays that I marry a homely and God fearing woman

The Third man – ‘Mugun’ open your eyes to see that she is haltering you to the altar with her unusual ‘born again’ appearance.You are not just about to mortgage your future and happiness ……she will soon becomes the husband in the house to haul you around like a horse.

Desperate woman – If I am asked to choose 100 times I will pick you a again

The Third man – if given second opportunity to choose, you are gone. She is just managing you because you are her last hope or what I will call last bus stop since loaded Jude and handsome Kelvin ditched her

The third man is the truth, the reality, and the sense of reasoning in every relationship. The ‘olorunshogos’ that have ‘Aristos’ despite being already committed to serious relationships will go to any length to cover their filthy pasts.

The other day a lecturer friend who lectures in one of the higher institutions in Lagos ran into a couple in London, the lady was his old student and coincidentally the man also is a friend he lost contact with some 15 years a go. The lady knowing the escapades she was known for on campus and more especially that my friend is aware of her serious commitment to his neighbour Obiora in Festac town became apprehensive and restless. She will not allow the two old friends to discuss as she repeatedly interrupted. Desperate to abruptly end their conversation she dialled a number on her mobile phone, gave the phone to her husband, managed to drag him to the car and waved my friend good bye. She is intelligent isn’t it? What does she think my friend will gain from exhuming her garbage past that may ruin the man made fire brigade marriage?

The short and ugly does not have the luxury of gimmicks as she has never been involved in double dates, how could she have had such dangerous experience when there was no competition from boys to date her. She dreams and waits patiently for when the lucky man will come her way. She is not expecting men but a man as the very first to come knocking will not just carry the day but the honey pot as well, hence she will not be on the market shelve till dusk . But the spoilt, tall, and beautiful ‘dongo’ orDarego will stay till dawn to shop and shop for the best bargain at the high street market, so carried away with the euphoria of shopping that she doesn’t realise how late it is and of coursewhen the dawn comes it comes unannounced like the African Mascara abi na ‘Agbepo’ at night only then will she realise that the Mr. right was among the ones she shopped and dropped in the day. Why did she drop the Mr. Right? When shopping you walk round the market for the best bargain, she also hope to enjoy herself, enjoy the shopping, and pick the best bargain only to realise later that the available is now the desirable for her. She has her own legal tender as well just as you and I pay for our shopping with hard earned Dollar abi na queen’s pound sterling, just that hers own legal tender is not man made.

The short and ugly is usually calm, obedient and does not believe in women liberation as her bible teaches her to submit to her husband because he is the head of the home. Unlike her counterpart she wants to contribute all her penny to the running of the home. The husband does not loose her sleep whenever he travels out of town, he believes in her to instil discipline in the children and to bring them up in the ways of the Lord so that they can become successful in life. Is it possible for a woman who wears ‘spagetti’ and micro mini to instil the sense of decency like moderate dressing in her teenage daughter?

The other day I met a friend’s elder sister who was happily treating herself to some cans of Heineken and whose husband later joined to enjoy in the binge. They have three teenage girls at home; I need no one to tell me the kind of legacy they are going to hand over to them because even though she was in her 50s Icould still see her fading beauty, I was seeing the picture of a one time Darego who is now grandma Darego. There is no denying the fact that there are some tall and beautiful girls that are well mannered and a few ill mannered short and ugly ones. We all know the proportion don’t we?

If a man will allow the sense of reasoning to prevail only then will he realise that when a tall and beautiful woman says she loves him he’ll look around and guard his loins.

– That when she hurries him up for marriage he should confirm her true age from her parents

– That when she spends good money on him it’s her way of investing for ‘calculated’ dividends

– That when she calls the mother-in-law to be regularly she is ticking the requirement list to get the poor woman’s approval

– That he should watch out for cookery book whenever she cooks for him as the kitchen is waiting to be taken over by either the house girl or the man himself after ‘I do’

– If she keeps quiet during quarrels she is only waiting for the right time to give him a run for his money

– That he will soon return triple for every wrist watch, perfume, and shirt she bought for him after the D-day

During horrible courtship the difference between a wise man and the other is that the wise needs just a green light to call it quits, while the other waits for the ‘Molue’ light.