All The Men Are Gone!

Don’t you just love the Internet? This is the second in my pet series that explores phrases and words typed into search engines to produce Nigeria related results. Again, don’t forget. The only reason why these searches specifically interest me is that they somehow led web surfers to my website and all webmasters are interested in what sends traffic their way.

The way some of us string words together in a search, it is a miracle of the modern day variety that servers don’t crash along the way as the software and hardware work overtime to decipher our jargons. It is a bigger miracle still that we obtain any result even remotely close to what were looking for.

Take the following for instance: “Newspapers magazines man is nothing without the gods”. What sort of result is that supposed to generate? I got tempted so I typed it into Google to see what would happen and it pulled up websites listing “Jesus’ Alien ancestors”, “Dungeons and Dragons” and strangely enough, 2 pages from this website. The Writers Write main page as well as the one page devoted to some of my attempts at poetry.

Well, here goes! Enjoy the ride, if you can understand it!

“Vultures at night”
Meeting time…

“Ogbanje”
Will also be at the meeting.

“Thug life in America”
It’s a hard knock life. That’s what they tell me.

“Poems about broken bones”
Woah, if Wole Soyinka could pen a paean to his first grey hair, why shouldn’t we have poetry talking about broken bones? So, will this be titled To My First Broken Bone or what? And when he gets another, that one will be To My Follow-Up Broken Bones? The same chap probably wrote those other masterpieces, To My First Attempt at Masturbation, To the Stink From my Left Shoe… and for his woman, he wrote To Her First Broken Fingernail.

“Naked Nigerian Women”
Go watch Chico Ejiro’s movie, Shattered Home. Sick sick man. Still, I find it of particular interest when people search the Internet for naked bodies of particular ethnicity. Could it be that you can tell the difference just by looking at the nakedness of a Nigerian woman from a Ghanaian woman? Isn’t black just that – black? Or are the “attacks” and “defenses” shaped differently, more ample in some?

“Naked Nigerian men”
We don’t post our photos on the Internet, you hear? It is not a Nigerian thing. We may be sick, but our sickness never reach that yonder.

“Education in Nigeria since the inception of democracy”
Same as education in Nigeria before the inception of democracy. Why do you think things changed?

“Sensual massage Brooklyn”
The same guy probably searched for “Sexual massage New York city” Check the Yellow Pages. If your body needs some panel-beating, good place to start.

“Sir Shina Peters”
Ijo Shina. Dance with your chest.

“Misconception of Africa”
You’re opening a can of worms, buddy. You could write a book on that topic. Hell, you could write a 20 volume encyclopaedia. Where do you want to start? The countries – individually misconceived?

“Will reparation for African Americans work”
It ain’t gonna happen dude. Not in this lifetime and plane of existence. Besides, I had the impression you folks are kind of glad your great grandfolks got out of Africa before the ship went aground? Reparations? That’s one boat that ain’t gonna float.

“Search for secondary schools in Ibadan Nigeria”
Too many words, buddy. You have totally confused the engine. Next time, try “Ibadan + School”. Or just hit one of those reunion websites.

“Wet Nigerian girls”
Oh, our girls get wet too. Honestly speaking, they do. But you will have to wait for the rainy season to see them in that condition. If you are fit and randy (I mean ready), you may also follow them to the river where they take time to pour water on their heads to cool down before returning home with the water they have gone to fetch. They also get wet when they are washing the clothes… You know, we don’t use washing machines like all these Oyinbo pepper people. You should see the muscles on the “washer woman” in my area. She gets wet when she washes too. That’s the sort of wetness you’re talking about, right?

You can also get the girls on this side as wet as you want them to be, you know? Just get a bucket of water and splash it on any girl you run into in the nearest O’Dabro store.

“Picture of Sola powered car”
I don’t power cars. What do you think I am? Batteries? Oh, you mean solar? Sorry.

“All Nigerians living in USA”
Na we be dis o, my mother’s husband. We dey for dis yonder o! You no go fit find all of us for the Internet sha. Dat one go hard small. We plenty, ya hear?

“Yelling tree frog”
Hush up! People are trying to sleep!

“Nigerian men in America”
All taken! At least that’s what my single female friends tell me. You have to find your own Nigerian husband before you come to America or you will have a tough task of it. All the good men are gone. Only the credit card swipers are left.

“Yoruba love poems”
You fit chant so?

“The wild man of Africa”
All moved to America. Really, web searches like this give Africa a bad name. Wild man…When will you folks shove this Tarzan “Bundolo” myth up some place where the sun never shines?

“Abnormal bossom”
Bro, I bow small. So, why would you be looking for that now? That’s what turns you on? What is your definition of abnormal sef? Super large, so large the tower leans frontwards? Tiny ones so small, you can’t even see the nodes? Cancerous ones? Mutilated ones? Why would you be looking for that anyhow? Cos you think you got a pair? I fear and I tremble.

“Female navel snuffing”
Is this about death fantasy and stuff like that? I tried the search and it took me to some terrifying websites. My broda, Oyinbo man dey try something. How to die go dey give some people romanciquine, I no know. But me I no get chest. Na mouth I get like person wey don chop bean cake. You try am if you get belle. No say I no wan you o!

“Jigida”
The song or the real thing? Uche Ibeto never check out of Naija o. Likilikilikiliki sa sa sa sa!

“Sad poems about depression”
Are there any happy ones?

“I saw my cousin naked”
Dude, a little more info would have been helpful. We’re truly curious. Are you male and you saw your female cousin naked? Your female YOUNG cousin, not someone in her 60s? Good for you! Enjoy the view.

Are you female and you saw your young male cousin naked? Was he at alert like he just woke up from a dream full of bossomy babes like on Baywatch? Enjoy the view.

Are you male and you saw your male cousin naked? Or you’re female and you saw your female cousin naked? Is that making you feel excited? You’re a homosexual. Get with the program.

Now, whatever you are, tell us how you did this. May be we can get in on the action. Next time, put in the address of your house and we will find our way there to come and enjoy the view too. By the way, you didn’t see her on a porn site, did you? Send us the web address! We’re all eager to crash the server!

“Naked dancers in house”
What is wrong with all these sickos searching for nudity on the Internet, visiting www.dannishardrive.com and… (Did I just say that?).

“Hairy buttocks”
Whatever floats your boat friend.

“I am going to write about Yusuf”
Good to know. I am sure Yusuf will be flattered. Thanks for informing us. While you’re at it, why don’t you write about Bature too. And Mohammed.

“Free men underwear pictures”
Are there some you pay for? And what do you want to do with underwear pictures anyhow? Not even with the men in it, just the pictures…That’s what fries your egg?

“Very fat people women naked”
Pray one doesn’t fall on you, you this very skinny perverted man naked.

“Pictures of people flirting then taking their clothes off”
You shouldn’t be on the Internet. Go to a bar or the nearest Go-Go Club and your fantasies will become your reality.

“Benin city naked”
Wow! That’s supposed to be poetry, right? You’re trying to do that short poem magic John Pepper Clark Bekederemo did with Ibadan? Benin city…Naked. Wow! I shake my head for you. I shake am hard.

“Prostitutes pictures”
Get the real thing, buddy. Just watch out for New York’s finest or whatever it is they call themselves when they’re not shooting some unarmed immigrant.

“Picture of African Americans with corn rows”
Probably a brother from another planet. Haven’t you seen the movie called Signs? Beware of them corn rows, buddy. Especially rows with black dudes.

“How to call Nigerian cell phone”
There you go, throwing away the one excuse you have for not calling home! Why would you want to do that? It worked so well for me because I wasn’t lying. I really couldn’t get through to those stupid GSM phones that my brothers and sisters and friends who were always broke somehow found money to buy. The day I figured out how to make those calls, my phone bills skyrocketed! Well, do not say I did not warn you. Dial 011 – 234 – then jump to the 80…etc. Drop the 0 before the 8 and all should be fine, if ALL CURCUITS ARE (ALWAYS) BUSY, PLEASE TRY YOUR CALL NEXT YEAR (LATER)!

“Dialling one number but reaching wrong number”
The NITEL Syndicate don reach you! Don’t give them the MoneyGram details please! And don’t believe whatever they tell you, it’s a lie! Just abuse their mother and hang up.

“Pictures of Nigerian girls in America”
My brother dey find wife. Well, what does my pastor say…He who finds a wife finds a good thing. Ride on bros.

See ya some other time!